The "Non" can't fix her... BUT...

You can see in my other post that I strongly suspect my wife has BPD. I realize that I can't "fix" her, and she has to want to fix herself... She has agreed to get therapy, which is only a small first step, but it's a start.

But I guess what I'm asking (from both Non's and BPD's), what are some does and don'ts while they are working on things.. Basically, I know I can't fix my car, but driving it into a tree isn't going to make it better. I know it's hard and even somewhat rare for a BPDer to admit they have a problem, seek help, stay with it, and make progress. So basically, what should I or shouldn't I do to so that I don't screw that up for her?

Hi GPR,

I don't think that I've been talking to you previously, and I am therefore new to your situation. However, the best thing that you can do is to learn/read about BPD as much as you can. However, you h ve to realise that you are in no way her counsellor or therapist - I think you already recognis this. Learning about BPD will help you understand her behaviour, and it might prevent arguments from arising (if you understand why she does something annoying to you, it might be that key thing that prevents an argument ensuing). So, ultimately, try to just get on with normal life as much as possible. BPD can be draining, however, so if there's anything you must change in an 'everyday life' setting, I think that you should perhaps ask to help out with the various chores. Again, this might ease some stress from her and be a key part of preventing an argument.

Kevin

Chucky is brings up a great point.

Many of us going looking for information not to Understand why they are doing these things, but only looking how to fix it.

When you go looking for this information it is only for you to understand here, not to fix her, chucky put it well.

Error

I now realize that I can't fix her, which is what I've been trying to do...

But so far she is saying she wants help. Now, we are married with 2 kids. Still together. I can't just leave during this process. So I'm more wanting to know what I should / shouldn't do that would get int the way of HER progress. Because I know there are probably things that I could do/say/etc. that would set her back or make it worse. I'm looking for insight to help me avoid as much as possible.

GPR, a lot of specific "do's and don'ts" are available at BPDfamily.com, the largest forum targeted to Nons only. They have 17 separate forums, two of which should greatly help you: "Parenting with a Borderline" and "Staying with a Borderline." The "Staying" forum, for example, will explain how to use validation as a way of minimizing arguments. Validation is extremely important to BPDs because they generally feel that their feelings were invalidated throughout childhood. "Staying" also would be a good place to ask for pointers on how to deal with a wife who contributes nearly nothing to family income, sleeps to 11:00, and does little of the housecleaning and taking care of the boys.

In one of your other threads, you say that when your sons "...act up, make a mess, she is suddenly a Horrible Mom, she will yell at them...." Because your first priority must be your 3-year-old and 7-year-old sons, I also suggest that you read the long thread called "When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?" It is in the Workshop forum at
http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/ ... ic=97979.0 .

Thank you... that's the kind of stuff I was looking for...

Don't try to FIX her... she's not broken, she's... a collector's item.
Look, the easiest way for someone to figure out how to live with themselves, their crazy, and try to adapt to it is to accept it rather than seek to fix it.
It's a lot harder to accept a mental disorder than it is to accept a personality trait.
That's why I walk around proud of my crazy, using it instead of fearing it.
If you approach this thing like there's something wrong with her, as opposed to something she needs to own and control because she owns it, you're going to shatter her.
If she needs medication, that comes later.
First and foremost she has to accept this thing as a part of herself instead of a flaw...
Just sayin.

Well I must say Smile, that is a different way of going about it, and I enjoyed reading it.

I hope you don't mind me using some of that advice in the future, if the person is dead set on staying with the person.

Dont worry, you'll get royalties

Error

ErrorType11Kid wrote:Well I must say Smile, that is a different way of going about it, and I enjoyed reading it.

I hope you don't mind me using some of that advice in the future, if the person is dead set on staying with the person.

Dont worry, you'll get royalties

Error

I better get royalties.
That thought is totally under patent.

Is it a problem if I pay you in Applebee's giftcards?