Introduction and some quick help...

Hello there. I found this forum searching around for some information to help with my relationship with my wife. I won't get into all of the details right now, as I'm still reading through a lot of the posts already on here. I must say this forum has already been very informative in a short time.

But one thing I would like some quick help on is some of the terms I see used. Can some people post on here some of the terms and definitions that you use regularly that a newbie like me might not understand right away. For example, I see the term "splitting" a lot, and I think I get what it means now. But if there are any other terms, abreviations, slang, etc. that you think would be helpful???

Thanks a lot...

GPR

GPR, welcome to the BPD forum. We are pretty evenly split between the BPDs (BPD sufferers) and the Nons (nonBPDs, most of whom have strong codependency traits). Both groups are good at trying to support each other. The abbreviations we use most frequently are probably those referring to other Cluster B personality disorders.

We frequently refer to Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) because BPD frequently is seen with one of them. Indeed, most BPDs also have another disorder. If I remember correctly, approximately a third of BPDs have BD (Bipolar Disorder), which is an illness -- not a PD. So now that I've told you about our acronyms, what about yours, GPR? Ground Penetrating Radar? General Packet Radio?

With regard to splitting, you likely already know that it is the cause of black-white thinking. It also explains why your exGF would accuse you of things so outrageous that you marveled that she could even say it with a straight face. There must be an adult part of her mind, you think to yourself, that knows that accusation is ridiculous. You are right, of course. Her "adult" knows exactly that. Yet, because her inner child takes over whenever emotions are intense, the conscious part of her mind cannot get in touch with that logical adult.

This process of isolating one part from the other is called "dissociation." You do it every time you get really angry. Indeed, you did it 24/7 when you were a child. You have had so much experience with it that, whenever you are very angry, you know you cannot trust your judgment and thus wait until you cool down.

You also dissociate when daydreaming because you are no longer integrating your conscious thoughts. Do you remember the time you were driving and suddenly realized you could not remember driving the last ten miles, not even the intersections? That was dissociation. The same thing happened when you went to the kitchen to get something but, on arriving there, could not remember for a minute what you had gone in there for. Well, BPDs do that far more frequently than you do.

Indeed, BPDs often believe the outrageous things they say because, when they are angry, they are not in touch with their logical adult. This is why BPD is called a "thought disorder" -- their perceptions of your relationship are distorted. This is not to say, however, that they always believe the nonsense. Like you, they also tell lies when they are terrified of being discovered at something. The problem, of course, is that they feel terrified often. So they tend to lie a lot more. You will drive yourself crazy, however, trying to tease apart the lies from the distorted perceptions.

Thanks for the repy.

GPR is just an acronum I've used online for a while. It started because I like poker a lot. Everyone played at my house because I had built a very nice table and everything. My house became known as "'My Name' Poker Room". I signed up on a Poker Forum and used the GPR as an ID, and I've used it since then.

Thank you for the definitions. I won't get into too many details right now (don't really have the time), but I am basically 99.9% certain that my wife (and mother of my children) has BPD of some type, although I guess she would be called High Functioning. The stories I've read on here were like a series of "AH-HA" moments. And many of them I could substitute my wife's name for the person in the story and not miss a beat.

Actually, ironically, my wife was the one that kind of discovered this to begin with. She knows there something wrong with her as she is constantly depressed. She was taking a psych class at the local community college. She came home one day and said, "Oh my god... we were talking about personality disorders, and I swear I have this..." It was one of those, she's joking, but not really joking kind of things. I read the definition and text in the book and agreed. I've started to research it somewhat on and off, but not heavily. Because as is said, anyone can almost manipulate themselves into diagnosing anybody with anything. But after reading some of these real stories, I have little doubt.

I started to get more heavy into the research because we've been having a lot of problems (which I will get into later). We decided to get councelling, both for the marriage and for her. The company handles about every type of councelling, treatment, etc. with several locations. We are going to start with marriage councelling first and then get her councelling. And I wanted to research some stuff before we went, and found this place.

Anyway, like I said, I will get more into my story later, maybe today. Just wanted to reply back and thank you...

Hey GPR

I was baffled by all the abbreviations etc when I first found this forum - it's a bit like learning a new language isn't it!

I thought this site might help you as it refers to many of the behaviours associated with Cluster B personalities - so it is really good for reference (and for translation!).

All the best

http://www.nook2.com/CommonBehaviors.html

Thanks Normal...

OK, I've done some more research, and what can anybody tell me about the "Waif" Borderline Peronsonality. I've read the article here: http://www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html and it sounds a LOT like my wife. Anyone have any insight or input?

GPR wrote:Thanks Normal...

OK, I've done some more research, and what can anybody tell me about the "Waif" Borderline Peronsonality. I've read the article here: http://www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html and it sounds a LOT like my wife. Anyone have any insight or input?

It's pretty much like the description says. The waif needs to be cared for. The waif feels s/he is incapable of caring for her/himself. Anything that goes wrong in her/his life is never her/his fault. If a person is wired that way, then it's a very attractive lifestyle. I mean really, deep down, how many people would be fine with someone willing to take care of their every need?

I've spent the past 13 years with a waif. We split up twice, most recently at Christmas. Another man involved, though she swears, in her own, waiflike, "good girl" way "He's her friend" or her "recovery buddy" (get me a bucket). She has spent most of those years having me wait on her, rarely lifting a finger, ignoring birthdays, anniversaries. And lately spending all of her time away from work in bed. Whenever I've balked or called her on her behavior it's spun around on me and I'm "verbally abusive" (maybe, as I sure as F**k would be with any 'friend' that treated me that way). I have been to blame for everything, but in truth, she made me responsible for her happiness (she used to project that at me regularly). Selfishness has been a topic for years, so NPD may be involved too. She has no concept of her own self-centeredness. That was always astonishing

Sound familiar?

Yes, that story sounds very familiar. It's almost like she finds things to be unhappy about. And then basically will in sort of a passive way, tell me that it's my fault and I need to figure out how to fix it.

Exactly. She was never satisfied with life in general Always needed something, or to paint me as something (angry, abusive) to feel complete, which never came. Always needed fixing from ailments that had me running to the pharmacy, or needed things to make her life complete.