Bpd's, Nons & the Law of Attraction

Hi everybody. I have recently split with my bpd gf. On thinking back it occurred to me that over a decade ago I also dated someone who was diagnosed some time during our relationship with bi-polar disorder. There were some similarities between the 2 namely mood swings, lying, cheating & they both were very sensual individuals. Also both were very attractive & neat on their person. However, the bi-polar did not exhibit any abandonment fears, black & white splitting & extreme relationship instability that the bpd displayed. My question is simply this: Am I having a run of bad luck or is the Law of Attraction working against me in that I unwittingly attract women with personality disorders ? Anyone had a similar experience ?

Howdy.

I've actually dated two of them in the last year and a half... at least, I'm pretty sure.

Why? Well, I'm self-diagnosed with at least a bit of avoidant personality disorder, and I'm guessing that having AVPD makes you an ideal target for BPD's. You're shy, quiet, and not good with the opposite sex, and they see this, and THEY jump all over you instead of you having to make the first move. They shower you with attention you're not used to, they tell you all manner of good things that you want to hear, and they're dynamite in the sack. Before you know it, you think you're in love, because your self-esteem gets SO PUMPED from being around them.

At least, this is my experience.

Thanks Burly; sorry about your recent experiences. I agree with most of what you have said except in my case I'm not the shy retiring type; I'm kind of out there & confident so it seems that also pulls them.

Heart and Burly, I used to feel -- like you two guys -- that BPDs could spot codependents like me across a crowded room and would make a beeline for me. After having read the stories of BPDs on this forum, however, I believe BPDs are just looking for someone who loves them. The ones doing the targeting, I believe, are those of us who are codependent to some extent. Due to our strong desire to be needed, we seek out the wounded birds of society. Moreover, because most of us have low self esteem issues, we are totally wowed by being around someone who makes us feel like a knight on a white horse.

With avoidants, on the other hand, I agree with you Burly. Many, if not most, BPDs have an outgoing personality because they make such an effort to fit in. It is not manipulation but, rather, a genuine desire to be accepted. In addition, many have a childlike warmth (due to their purer emotions from splitting) that is disarming and puts total strangers at ease. If you had met my ex, for example, you would feel within an hour that you had known her for six months. I really doubt they are "targeting" avoidants. Instead, I think they are just being outgoing and trying to meet a wide spectrum of potential mates in an attempt to be loved. The avoidants, however, will find that type of personality very attractive and, in any event, that is the only type they will meet.

As far as I can tell, then, the BPDs generally are not targeting any one group. Rather, it is the codependents who are targeting, searching for a damsel in distress. And the avoidants are not searching but, rather, simply waiting for any person to arrive -- which most likely will be the outgoing type.

heartman, i feel the same thing. i had 2 boyfriends, in succession who display traits of BPD. the first one though is quite narcissistic. he might be avoidant, but i am not sure. we met online and he was a virgin when i met him. since a lot of men in the forum we met were going after me, i think he targeted me because i can be his "trophy" gf. when he gained confidence, he started to flirt with other women and build this "fake" persona. not until we broke up, i learned from his coworker that he's shy around girls and cannot hack it IRL so he flirts with women online instead. i almost married him but he confided that he's entertaining calls from a certain girl i suspected that he's flirting with. i broke up with him because i think he might cheat since i was the only girl he had sex with and i think he's still exploring what would it feel like to be with other girls.

the current one, i met in a friend's party. i was pouring drinks and until now he claims that i was looking at him that's why he approached me. he had to drink a shot though before he could muster the courage to talk to me. the impression he gets from his coworkers is that he's cocky but shy around girls. everyone thinks he's too shy to get a girlfriend that's why they were surprised that he got me as his gf.

i am actually just average but i have a down-to-earth and childish looks. i dunno why i attract shy guys. does that mean i should stay away from shy guys?

Interesting perspective Downtown but what if I said that with the bpd it was her who did all the seeking out ? Indeed she almost targetted me armed with info about myself & past relatiinships & @ times in the early days I had to tell her to cool her jets.

DowntownDC wrote:With avoidants, on the other hand, I agree with you Burly. Many, if not most, BPDs have an outgoing personality because they make such an effort to fit in. It is not manipulation but, rather, a genuine desire to be accepted. In addition, many have a childlike warmth (due to their purer emotions from splitting) that is disarming and puts total strangers at ease. If you had met my ex, for example, you would feel within an hour that you had known her for six months. I really doubt they are "targeting" avoidants. Instead, I think they are just being outgoing and trying to meet a wide spectrum of potential mates in an attempt to be loved. The avoidants, however, will find that type of personality very attractive and, in any event, that is the only type they will meet.

As far as I can tell, then, the BPDs generally are not targeting any one group. Rather, it is the codependents who are targeting, searching for a damsel in distress. And the avoidants are not searching but, rather, simply waiting for any person to arrive -- which most likely will be the outgoing type.

Well, you're right that I obviously "target" damsels in distress. I think this is because, as an avoidant, I have low self-esteem and thus seek out women that I figure won't dump me if we're both "damaged".

I think, though, that it works both ways... the BPD girl I'm having issues with clearly knows she has issues, and as such I think she has a tendency to absorb "damaged" guys into her collection. I never, ever see her with confident, "manly" men; she inevitably attracts those of us with self-esteem problems. I know about five or six guys that she talks to regularly who she's probably at least half-flirting with, each of whom would give his left nut to get with her (thank God she has a BF, though that poor BF is just a mess). Like me, I think she avoids seeking relationships with anyone who looks "together" because she feels that that kind of person would just dump her at the first sign of trouble. And man, there would be signs of trouble...

Heartman wrote:Interesting perspective Downtown but what if I said that, with the bpd, it was her who did all the seeking out?

In that case, Heart, I would say I am flat out wrong -- or, alternatively, that you are such a hot guy that the young lady found you irresistible, making you a rare exception to my rule. Take your pick.

Must be I'm Red Hot Downtown No seriously she approached me with military precision having checked out my previous relationships, where I lived, even tel numbers & she laid it on really really thick. Maybe bpd combined with some other disorder, I don't know.

Heartman wrote:Must be I'm Red Hot Downtown No seriously she approached me with military precision having checked out my previous relationships, where I lived, even tel numbers & she laid it on really really thick. Maybe bpd combined with some other disorder, I don't know.

Maybe she was also just particularly outgoing. I'm definitely not, nor am I looking for someone with an obviously low self-esteem or avoidant or anything of the sort. I tend to go for the manly man, and that gets me in a whole 'nuther type of trouble, i.e. the abusive relationship.

I seriously doubt there's any single personality type for BPD people, just like there isn't a single personality type for anyone else. However, we, as in human beings, do tend to attract the same type of person to us. Rather than looking to the girl with BPD, maybe you should take a look at yourself and see what has made you so attractive to her.