Hardest Part of Codependency?

Since many of us share at least a little bit of codependency, what is the hardest part that you guys have had to deal with over the time of your ordeals?

For me, when I wake up and I have nothing planned out for the next day I get a slight upset stomach. It definitely is not as serious as it used to be but I will admit it is still around. While the nights used to be hard it is something that I have conquered and am quite proud of.


How about the rest of you? What problems do you guys have or have conquered in the past?

Error

Hmm not entirely sure of what your saying.

isnt codependency like relying on someone elses approval of you, rather than your own?

There are many different ways co-dependency manifests itself. Some people get control issues as a result.

At least, as far as I understand it.

yyyoshiii wrote:Isn't codependency like relying on someone elses approval of you, rather than your own?

Codependency occurs when you grow up mistaking being needed (for what you can do) for being loved (for what you already are). Indeed, codependents like me do not really feel loved unless they are sorely needed by someone. Part of it has to do with low self esteem, which we build up by being useful to others. The problem is not that we want to help people. That is a good thing. Rather, the problem is that we are willing to keep helping even when it is to our great detriment. The best explanation of this I have seen is Shari Schreiber's article at http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html .

As commonly used, the term "codependent" usually implies that the person is very controlling, wanting to keep the other person dependent upon him. Controlling codependents therefore do not want their spouse or partner to get better even though they pretend that they do. As far as I can tell, however, most of the Nons on this forum are the noncontrolling type of codependent. Like me, they have made enormous efforts to help their loved ones get well. In my case, for example, I spent over $200,000 taking my ex to six different psychologists over a period of 15 years -- all to no avail.

What is the hardest part that you guys have had to deal with over the time of your ordeals?

Error, I am tempted to reply that the hardest part was the stainless steel bed (no mattress) that I had to lie on for three days while in jail over the weekend -- after my BPD wife of 15 years had me arrested for pushing her away from the door she was trying to destroy in our home.

Actually, however, the hardest part was training my inner child to believe all the BPD information that my adult had digested within the two week period following my release from jail. Understanding the BPD material was the easy part. What was difficult -- and what took many months -- was internalizing it to the point that I believed it at a gut level. Only then was I willing to act on what I had learned. Until then, my child refused to comply, dismissing it as mere theory that was an insufficient basis for walking away from my loved one.

I appreciate you sharing your experience DC and I'm glad to see that you are so far removed that you are able to discuss it openly, and I also cannot imagine being sent to jail just in turn for trying to stop a loved one.

[quote="DowntownDC"}
Actually, however, the hardest part was training my inner child to believe all the BPD information that my adult had digested within the two week period following my release from jail. Understanding the BPD material was the easy part. What was difficult -- and what took many months -- was internalizing it to the point that I believed it at a gut level. Only then was I willing to act on what I had learned. Until then, my child refused to comply, dismissing it as mere theory that was an insufficient basis for walking away from my loved one.[/quote]

I truly believe that I have accepted the fact that If even she would come back, I would not be able to have her back because we would not be able to have a stable A relationship. The final hurdle of always having something to do or be with someone is my final dragon to slay.

We will see and every day is a new story.

Error

He Error. As a NON who was involved with a bpd gf I can tell you that your experiences are quite normal. Letting go is anything but easy esp when you cared for the person. To be honest I have good days & sometimes bad days usually when some trigger sets me off eg. a fragrance, a place, a sound in fact anything that you associate with that person & then it becomes really hard to suppress the codependent part of oneself in order not to fall back & pick up the telephone. I liken it to a drug; although I have never used drugs, I believe an association with a bpd is similar to getting a high because of the intensity, but like all drugs the come down is the worst part. We just have to be tough & not empower them to start the cycle all over again.

i think the hardest part of me is to accept that there's no such thing as "soulmate."

foreverblue wrote:i think the hardest part of me is to accept that there's no such thing as "soulmate."

Isn't that the truth! The only woman I ever dated who felt like a "soul mate" was, of course, the BPD whom I ended up marrying. I know it's sad but I now regard the "soul mate" feeling as a red flag. It now means "too good to be true."

Now thats something I disagree with DC. I truly believe you have a soul mate and maybe you just havent found her/ him yet. While I understand why this might seem like a red flag and I may be a hopeless romantic I think there is someone waiting for you just around the corner.

Error, aahhh, aren't you the romantic! Well, I am so glad you are. At 21, it is important that you have some romantic notions and ideals so that, by the time you reach my age (about 3 times that much), you won't be a total cynic on everything. So we may not disagree quite as much as you suppose on that issue.

Actually, I do hope to meet another woman with whom I can fall deeply in love. I now do realize, however, that sustaining a loving mature relationship will not be facilitated by our being "soul mates" but, rather, by our making a concerted effort to work on our relationship on a daily basis. That said, please ignore this last paragraph and come back to read it when you turn thirty. That will be a good age at which to start thinking about getting married.