Hardest Part of Codependency?

Ha, Thirty years is a long day away!

I too hope that you do find someone, anyone that takes the heartbreak we do....

I vote for pope!

haha

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i remember more about my other ex-bf. i think he's also BPD (or maybe NPD) because he kept stalking me online, befriending my friends and sent an e-mail to my bf. it was difficult to deal with because i tried ignoring him, responding with anger or tried being civil to him, to no avail. i was frustrated because my friends actually believed him at some point but i proved him wrong when i got an evidence him spreading false rumors to other people about me.

it was a nightmare. compared to what i am experience right now, that one was much horrible. he stopped bothering me when he found another supply though he tried to come back to me when he found out i am dating someone new. according to my friend his new gf is pretty. i think he thinks she's prettier than me and i would be jealous if i found out.

i think his mother has BPD as well. he's the youngest among his siblings and the only provider left. when we saw each other for vacation, his mom got angry at him, sent him a text message for spending an extra night in our place. i was like, wth..he's not a baby anymore and she had him all her life

ah codependency. just like all the rest of the emotions/traits.

on a continuum and sometimes it flairs up to absurd levels especially when you get into a "toxic" relationship scenario. Attempting to fix something you can't really fix from your end. DC is classic. he is just finding his wings again, sure he got burnt out but he is wrangling his beat up ego, he let himself get vacuumed up and his little one was kicking the poop out of the big old wise man he has in him. HA HA. DC is wise but i think he just got the romance burnt out of him a bit (like maybe 5 humans worth) but we all have to find strength to get through these relationships to attempt to maintain ourselves and not self destruct.

love is out there, soul mates exist...maybe not on this day to day plane but on some level it is real. May not be one could be 1000's depending on where you are at in life, what day you meet someone, what corner of the universe you are tucked away in. Everything changes constantly. We can grow with it and accept it as truth or just be victimized by it.

Kind of like codependency. You can let it control you or you can attempt to control it. DC saved me from months if not years of beating myself up due to what he has gone through, I was just lucky enough to internalize it. Like I was handed a cake and he iced it for me, i wasn't going to eat the cake without icing. At some point in life you knuckle up and start beating the bad/negative out of it or at least changing it into neutrally charged experiences/matter.

Maybe the hardest part of the codependency is actually admitting that I didn't love myself enough to address the fact that I have dreams, desires, wants, needs etc...Try and fix the world for everyone and then realize it doesn't have any staying power. Just one little soft boy trying to make the world better throwing band aids on everything I encountered that didn't fit my world view. Well after 25 years of it, I have realized there are some things you can help/change and most everything you can't. You can work on how you receive signals, what you internalize, and how you process them and put all that knowledge into action to make YOUR world better.

Funny, over the past 5 years I realize now I cared so little about myself that I blacked out decades of my past (not because they were that bad but) because i was trying to learn how to let go, I have woken up remembering a dream maybe 25 -35 times in the past 5 years...Just trying to let go. The hopelessly romantic boy will always exist, and I feel he deserves to exist. Just gotta find a balance. If the little children in us can't be free to co-exist then we will have issues. I had a twin and a BPD girlfriend and a super needy family...was super easy to be codependent and let it control my life, now I truly want to live. I want a life, my life. It was a rough road to get here but I feel like a new person, maybe a little cold, distant and jaded but that is me compensating for decades of the little one running the show. I am still soft,loving, compassionate and romantic inside, just learning how to conserve that energy and direct where it has a better chance of surviving and having a positive impact on the world at large.

Ah the razors edge, fun to dance upon each day. but each morning I wake up is indeed a gift. Damaged goods or not we can all enjoy the ride, we should enjoy the ride and we should fight with all we've got to enjoy it and share the human experience.

Ummm, having to deal with the police, seeing her bleed all over our home, having my things broken and still wanting her. check

having drunk myself into a DUI last Spring and then getting back together with her. check

having to excert all this time, energy, and money to get over her while she's out sleeping around AGAIN! check

waking up in the middle of the night with her on my mind, in my heart and my stomach aching. check

having nightmares about her that I can remember and I hardly ever remember dreaming. check

having to post a note in my car saying not to go over to her place, text, email, etc because if she decides to be vengeful I WILL GO TO JAIL. check

knowing deep down that it's not over, even after 2 months and the third breakup. check

having lost what I thought truly was the one person for me in the whole wide world. check


having to admit that it wasn't love it was addiction to the sex and the emotional highs she sometimes provided and having to remind myself of the lows to keep myself from her. check

In two years and three breakups it's not any easier even now that I've finally woken up. The child me is not very happy and the adult me is just hurt, tired, and damaged

Wow, bruning that sounds like quite a ride.

Now that you have recognized what you have been through aren't you proud of yourself? Ha Maybe I should explain.

I look back at the past that I have been through and am proud how I handled things, I mean very few humans could have done what I did and even kept their sanity a little!

Cheers.

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