Insight and advise

Hello,

I have been reading these forums for a while now, trying to gain some more insight into BPD, and would like to thank all of you for sharing what you have all been going through, those with BPD and Non’s.

But I require some personal insight and advise about 2 situations that have come up.

About 2 months ago, my GF of 2 years broke up with me. Things were going fine, sure the odd disagreement, but we would work it out. Then suddenly out of the blue, she calls it all off, but wants to remain friends. The reason she gave is she wants time to sort herself out, figure out what’s going on in her head. (4 months before the break, she was diagnosed with BPD, but did not wish to tell me, I only found out later)

3 Weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend that the reason she decided to call us quits was because of the BPD and also she believed she was falling in love with another friend of ours.
I honestly did not take the "falling in love with our friend" thing well, but kept that to myself. But I also looked into the BPD thing, now I can honestly see what was going on, and how she has been dealing with this for a long time.

Now the Problem is, I still really care for her, and we both know if she got with our friend it would destroy me, and also any kind of friendship. She also talks to me every second night, and as if nothing has changed between us. Also, our friend is Bipolar; if they did get together I can only imagine the ticking time bomb that would be…

And also,

Now I have done lots of reading about this, I believe my sister-in-law also suffers from BPD, does anyone have any tips or hints I can use to point her in the right direction to try to get some kind of help? Being Direct with her will only cause problems.

If anyone has any advice about these issues, it would be greatly appreciated

MoreLostthenConfused wrote:About 2 months ago, my GF of 2 years broke up with me. Things were going fine, sure the odd disagreement, but we would work it out. Then suddenly out of the blue, she calls it all off, but wants to remain friends. The reason she gave is she wants time to sort herself out, figure out what’s going on in her head. (4 months before the break, she was diagnosed with BPD, but did not wish to tell me, I only found out later)

She wants to remain friends because you will remain a source of attention/supply to her. Cut the b1tch off.

MoreLostthenConfused wrote:3 Weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend that the reason she decided to call us quits was because of the BPD and also she believed she was falling in love with another friend of ours.
I honestly did not take the "falling in love with our friend" thing well, but kept that to myself. But I also looked into the BPD thing, now I can honestly see what was going on, and how she has been dealing with this for a long time.

Could be jealousy tactic to see if you still 'care' about her. Don't give her it.

MoreLostthenConfused wrote:Now the Problem is, I still really care for her, and we both know if she got with our friend it would destroy me, and also any kind of friendship. She also talks to me every second night, and as if nothing has changed between us. Also, our friend is Bipolar; if they did get together I can only imagine the ticking time bomb that would be…

Ok you've developed feelings for a BPD, you SHOULD NOT proceed to have a relationship with her. Cut her off and learn to emotionally distance yourself from this girl - she is broken, you cannot fix her. And you can't really stop her from going with this guy. I guess your best chance is to act emotionally cold, like you don't give a crap that she's with this new guy at all. Try to make her jealous a bit by hinting at a new girl (make one up if you have to but be subtle) if you want to get back with the BPD and make her WORK HARD for your attention. That should work but REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

MoreLostthenConfused wrote:Now I have done lots of reading about this, I believe my sister-in-law also suffers from BPD, does anyone have any tips or hints I can use to point her in the right direction to try to get some kind of help? Being Direct with her will only cause problems.

Mostly a lost cause, but if you are certain that she is and truly want to help her you can send her to a site like wikipedia's BPD page or something with the diagnosis and see how she reacts. Remember that even with therapy BPD is extremely hard to treat and requires a willing patient. It's a long shot but meh...

I can give you advice with almost being in the same exact situation as you. A relationship of two and half years, gave my heart and soul. Broke it off within a week.

As while I know you really care for her, it is better if you two are seperate. I truly believe that there may be a little birdy saying that you know what is really better for you. (It was in my case)

She is keeping you around because she knows that you will stay. Its an awful thing to do, keeping you around but its exactly what she is doing.

As for you figuring out that she will enter another relationship is something that you may have to own up to later. One thing that I found out helped me is completely cutting off contact. If I can't contact her for figure out if she is with someone, then how can I know? It almost a protective instinct.

This board is wonderful help and can do wonders for your understanding of the disease and if you have any more quesitons, feel free to post them (yet try and keep them to one thread) and there are some outstanding members that will help you.

Cheers

Error

Hello, Lost, welcome to the BPD forum. I agree with Error and Asphyx that you should not return to your exGF. Nearly all the Nons here -- and most BPDs -- will advise you to stay away unless she is in treatment and committed to working hard on healing herself for many years.

I still really care for her, and we both know if she got with our friend it would destroy me.

Letting go will be painful but you will survive and come out of it much stronger. If you really will feel crushed by your ex's relationship with your "friend," they are not the problem. Rather, the problem is your low self esteem, which you need to work on. As you found out with your ex, it is impossible for anyone to make her happy. She has to do that for herself. It works for you too. The only person who can make you happy and feel better about yourself is you. Please consider what Error and Asphyx are advising you.

Hey All,

Thanks for the replys, its helped re-open my eyes to the whole thing.

My problem is I have always been a fixer, I must fix whatever is broken, even though I feel useless because I was not able to
fix our relationship, or help her fix herself, I think i can move on with a better understanding.

As for our friend, from what I believe he has been trying to get with her for a while now, always being "there" for her, incase
we ever did break up.. But I heard that over the weekend they were hanging out and she had an episode, and now he is trying to advoid her.

I dont think i can do much about my sister-in-law, if i said or did anything, i know she would punish my brother for it...

Anyway Thank you all again

Hi Morelost,

I'm glad to see that you can see our points without trying to put a negative spin on BPD. Something that Non's develop in many cases is called "Codependency". There are many good posts about this case and I'm sure there are others that can explain it in much more detail than I.

Something that you may have to learn is that it is not ok to put anothers happiness before yours all the time. A relationship takes two to tango and cannot just have effort from just one side.

If you have any more questions feel free to post them!

Error

Hello Morelost. My situation is also a near replica of yours. Honestly I do miss my ex bpd gf @ times but the only feasible solution is to let it go unless the other party is willing to undergo ongoing therapy. One way that I deal with it when I start missing her is to think of how I felt when she was splitting black, how my dignity & self worth was being eroded by her mood swings & me having to constantly tiptoe around her hoping that she will sort herself out - she never ever did & the longer that you stay in the loop the worse it becomes. It really equates to an abusive relationship & I'm sure that like me you have probably tried really hard; just as you think you have it waxed along comes another s*itstorm & you are left feeling completely debilitated & wondering how to patch things up & there goes your self esteem once again & so it seems to go on & on.

This forum is really useful; without knocking my friends & family there support has been very limited because they do not have experience/knowledge in these matters. I only found out about this condition about 2 weeks ago & my jaw dropped when I saw all the similarities between the typical symptoms & the traits that my ex had exhibited. Spend time with yourself, use this forum, do things that you have always wanted to, give your career a boost, read whatever. You will find that you have a lot of spare time with her out the way - BPD's are huge time suckers which is not in itself a problem but more often than not one chugs around the same old mountain. Hope this helps.