Pre-Emptive striking?

Has anyone here ever been compelled to compulsively end a relationship because of imagined abandonment or betrayal? Like, you know the scenario in your head isnt real but just incase something like that could happen you want to STRIKE first? I feel like i'd rather end a relationship abruptly and harshly than waited around to get the brunt end. I get this feeling alot and i dont act on it, but more and more i feel like i may (IE, cheating, saying something cold, completely severing contact )

My ex did this with me. He broke up with me over, which at first I thought was over something little (not wanting to give him a backrub one night) and after a whole break up, him moving out, meltdown we talked it out and it turned out that he had been feeling like I was going to leave him so he broke up with me first. Now, I wasn't remotely planning on leaving him, I was incredibly happy with the relationship. I just had cleaning week at work and had to stay late to clean every day, and even though I told him that he felt I was purposefully coming home late to avoid seeing him. Which was not remotely true, I very much looked forward to getting home to see him every day and rushed through the cleaning as fast as I could!

Are you worried that you may act on these impulses, like my ex did, and have it ruin a relationship?

~K

Well I'm in good control of my actions so I don't fear acting without being able to stop. I feel like it'd be better for me to put the nail I'm the coffin and " win " so to speak, instead on anticipating for this person to strike at me. Or break up with me. Once I do this it's over and I'm free of worry. I'm trying to tame my need of feeling like I need to do this.

fmybrainlol wrote:Has anyone here ever been compelled to compulsively end a relationship because of imagined abandonment or betrayal? Like, you know the scenario in your head isnt real but just incase something like that could happen you want to STRIKE first? ...

Yep. Do it all the time. Romantically, I can think of only one time when my boyfriend ended a relationship (turned out to be the best gift he could give me - abusive). Platonically, I've dropped people all the time when I felt they were paying less attention to me, preparing to leave. I stick with maintaining relationships online because it's easiest to break those off when I perceive the interest has begun to wane. Just stop answering emails/posts/PMs/whatever.

fmybrainlol wrote:Has anyone here ever been compelled to compulsively end a relationship because of imagined abandonment or betrayal? Like, you know the scenario in your head isnt real but just incase something like that could happen you want to STRIKE first? I feel like i'd rather end a relationship abruptly and harshly than waited around to get the brunt end. I get this feeling alot and i dont act on it, but more and more i feel like i may (IE, cheating, saying something cold, completely severing contact )

Hi there. I have borderline too and trust me I know exactly what you mean
It's called "I will dump you before you dump me" (at least that's what I call it). Although I never did it in a romantic relationship, I did it to friends and even family. I have had massive therapy for years and years and look back and can still remember doing this and why I did it. "If I leave first, they can't hurt me."

Have you ever gotten treatment? There are some really good treatment options out there now for bpd (yeah, I know the old school sites and books say you can't be helped...it's lies, but it's what they thought at the time). I have some good books you can either pick up at the library or read. They are self-help strategies for bpd and can help with feelings of abandonment and what to do about your emotional dysregulation and impulsivity. Borderlines, under stress, can also become delusional and even have brief psychotic episodes. It isn't that hard to control borderline though once you understand it...and to recognize when you are "doing the borderline" and control it.

I found these books VERY helpful. They lead me to great therapy. I hope you decide to find somebody who specializes in borderline. I think you'll find it's worth it and that you won't be so quick to leave people because of the terror of abandonment. I actually found out it's cool to be alone. Anyhooooo, here are my fav books and I hope you get help and don't destroy your relationship. I am also going to post a very healing borderline site called The Borderline Sanctuary:

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/communities.htm (this is the site)

The books:
http://www.bpddemystified.com/index.asp?id=24

http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behav ... 1572245131

My ex recently did this to me, exactly 2 months ago. I recall feeling a bit smothered cause I was literally spending every night with her after we started dating again in July. We had previously lived together and that turned into a bad situaion that led to the last breakup (police involvement, her cutting a wrist). It wasn't that I didn't love her but we did have conversations where she said things like "is it so bad that I need you to reassure me" whereas I was seeing her everyday, txting from work, etc and frankly was tired of livin out of a bag and only going home to do laundry, get my mail, etc.

I can see now how when I took something back home and stated I needed to spend some more time at my place that she perceived it as abandoning because a week later after spending the night together and making plans for the weekend she called me up at work all agitated about some financial things that had come up so I spent my break consoling her. Next day she calls at work about how she has to go to a work happy hour/retirement party but doesn't really want to go. We make plans for me to meet her at her place later that night. Well she never shows, doesn't answer her phone and after waiting a couple hours I go go a bit pissed and text what happened. Well I end up having to call her the next day and she claims she was drunk, waited to sober up then drove home and left her iPhone in her car. She then tells me
she's goin to breakfast with coed friends and I get no invite. When I do see her later
she is distant, later she shows up wih a male friend to pick up the laundry I had done for her and states she is going out. I'm pissed because I had an engagement to toto and thought she was coming with, so I sure that came out. Next two days we barely txt and do not talk(now I think somehing is up). Finally we get together after work, I apologize
because I have been worried and miss her and she breaks up with me. Then I find out she starts a relationship the very next day!

Sound familiar?