New here and long post - am I BPD?

I have tonight discovered BPD after a horrible Christmas which is the end of a horrible year. I’ve lsot my partner who meant more to me than anything in the world because I pushed him away and now I’m wondering, looking back, if I have BPD.

My real problem is that I have complete and inexplicable uncontrollable rages, my partner says it’s like the red mist descends and I have no regard for the situation I’m in or who is around. I only have sporadic memory of these incidents, he might say it went on for 3 hours but I’ll perceive it as more like 30 minutes. I can’t explain what triggers it, except it seems to be linked to a feeling of rejection or being unloved.

I am divorced and I left my ex-husband quite amicably after 10 years of marriage and we split money, childcare, etc very amicably with no rows. Interestingly, I did not have these periods of rage with him (although he witnessed rows with friends of mine that were, although not as dramatic as this past year, probably the start of this pattern of behaviour). When I left I was excited about my new start and living alone after a relationship that had become loveless. It was me who decided to end the marriage.

I met my recent partner almost immediately and it was a very happy period of my life, I was totally in love and thought I’d found my soulmate. He felt the same and proposed after 6 months. A week later he panicked (he had been left by his wife after a rocky marriage and took some time to get over it). He came to see me one night, broke it off and left while I was in the loo. I was totally devastated and felt completely alone. The next morning I drove straight over to see him and we sorted it out, although he did want me back and was sorry he had panicked I felt dreadful, like I was clinging to him and he didn’t want me. I don’t know if I ever re-built confidence in the relationship. I would go into panic mode if he didn’t answer the phone (we spoke at the same time each night) and I would ring again and again until I was exhausted by the crying and feelings of rejection.

Shortly afterwards I was due to see him one night when he had his children but I didn’t have mine. His son was back from a school trip so his ex-wife wanted to pop round and see him. My partner asked me to wait until she had gone (at this point I hadn’t met her). He then called and said she wanted to watch something on TV with her son so it would be a few hours. When I knew this was over I sent him a text to say I was on the way but calling into the supermarket between our houses and could he let me know when the coast was clear and the call never came, my calls went unanswered. Instead of going over or going home I waited in the supermarket until midnight, unable to go to his house for fear of rejection but not wanting to go home and be alone. Eventually I went over and he was alone, but said he and his ex needed to talk about their relationship, had drunk a bottle of wine together and she had asked him to get back together.

I was terrified I would lose him, instead of walking away as I should have, I totally clung to him. He didn’t have any intention of getting back with her, and neither did she really, but I have never got over that night. Now, whenever his ex is mentioned, whether she has called round to drop off/pick up the children, phoned him, or whatever I can’t handle it at all.

In the 18 months since then there have been other incidence of mis-judgement from him, nothing at all sexual (I do believe him on that), but times when I feel he is putting his ex first (sometimes I’m probably right, other times I think I’m over-reacting). But it is my reaction to it that has got more and more extreme. I am constantly terrified of losing him and I feel he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care even though I’ve done some horrible things to him which he has forgiven me for. I get these complete uncontrollable rages and the gaps between them get closer and closer together. I cannot forgive him for anything and throw things back in his face all the time – I have an amazing memory for his wrong-doings but not for mine. I feel lonely all the time and yet when there are people around I feel out of control and want them to go away, especially if they are in my house. I have become more obsessed with routine and order. I used to go to his house and find the chaos amusing, and I loved helping him and doing things for him, now I just cannot bear it. I want him to myself all the time and resent interference (phone calls, visitors, etc) when it is “our” time (we have set childcare patterns with our ex’s and so have certain times we can have time to ourselves). I get very, very angry about trivial things and then regret it afterwards.

One thing I dread and fear is him not turning up at my house when he is due to come over. In the early days his parents were staying with him (between houses for a few months) and he would often come straight from work, but other times he would go home and come later, and the waiting was almost unbearable, I would convince myself he had dumped me, had a car accident, gone back to his ex, etc even if he was half an hour later than I expected.

After the time he walked out while I was in the loo a week after our engagement I cannot stand him leaving my house, even if it’s planned and he’s going to work. I’m fine if we leave for work together but otherwise I feel resentful towards him and might say nasty things, even though I need to get ready and go to work myself and need him out of my way. When he used to stay weekends I would leave at the same time as him to pick up my children or I would feel so desperately lonely when he has gone, I couldn’t bear to be in the house alone so soon after he was there and I’d resist washing his mug, or making the bed so I could feel his presence for a bit longer. I thought it was because I loved him but now I think it might be feelings of being abandoned.

Anyway, I could go on. But then came Christmas, a thorny topic with two sets of kids and two ex’s. It was his turn for his kids and he decided to go to his parents, which upset me but I was OK with it. We spent Christmas eve together then he left Christmas morning (to a few thorny comments from me even though I knew he had to go). I had made a huge effort with his presents as I knew I’d been a bitch the past 6 months or more, including a weekend away just after Christmas. His presents was mediocre, less than past occasions and just not really showing any thought for what I’d like. I tried to cover it up but I was hurt and in tears the best part of the morning. Then my folks came for lunch and later, when my kids had gone to their Dad’s I called him to say I was on my way over to his parents, a 20 minute drive or so. When I arrived 30 minutes later there was noone home. I called and he said they’d gone for a walk and I could wait “the day didn’t revolve around me”. I sat in my car in the cold and felt so completely alone and hurt until they returned. I tried to put on a cheerful face for the evening. I spoke to my Dad (who left when I was 14 to love with his new wife and her children) who was with some of my step-siblings having a great time and I felt totally isolated. And then when everyone went to bed it all came out and I can’t even remember most of it. His children were upset and told their mother (who was horrified) and his parents won’t have anything to do with me (or him, at the moment). I just don’t understand why I can’t control it but I completely have no sense of myself when it happens. I’ve done it to him before, and it doesn’t seem to be the “big” things that trigger it – I totally lost it once because his daughter had slept in his bed when I wasn’t there (she’s only 6) – I felt it was a completely personal rejection of me. It scares me that it happens and that I am “not there” when it does. It has happened a few times in the past with friends which were isolated incidents and years apart. But this past 6-12 months it has just been frequent and scary. He has said I frighten him. Funnily enough, today when we talked I realised how much he did love me, but I could never see that. I know there is no way back for us but what do I do about it so it doesn’t happen again?

Hello, Scared, welcome to the BPD forum. I am sorry to hear you are going through such pain. Yes, the abandonment fear, loss of memory, and black-white thinking you describe sounds like a strong pattern of BPD traits. All of us exhibit those traits all day long as young children. When we become adults, we still have them at a very low level. When they are as strong as what you describe, however, they can make you and your loved ones miserable.

You ask how you can control the destructive behavior and pain. Very shortly -- probably later today -- some of the borderlines here likely will respond to tell you what is working for them. I know that many of them are pleased with DBT therapy. The first thing they likely will recommend is for you to find a psychologist who has much experience in treating BPD. That is important because there is great variation among psychologists and other therapists in their ability to effectively treat this disorder. And, of course, you have to be very committed to working hard in therapy for several years to learn the techniques for controling the wide changes in your emotions.

None of us at this forum is qualified to tell you whether your BPD traits are so severe that they warrant a clinical diagnosis as such. A good psychologist can tell you that. He also can tell you if you have another illness too. Most borderlines have another PD or illness (e.g., HPD or bipolar disorder) in addition to BPD.

The BPD forum members are pretty evenly split (if you'll excuse the expression) between BPDs and Nons (nonBPDs) here and both groups have been really good at trying to help each other. Indeed, the strength of this forum, IMO, is that it is the only really active BPD forum on the net that is not targeted solely to one group or the other.

I'm one of the Nons, which doesn't mean I don't have issues but, rather, I don't have BPD. Like most Nons here, I have strong traits of codependency which I've been learning to control over the past several years. Like the borderlines here, the Nons also will try to give you support.

My suggestion -- and I believe most Nons here would agree -- is that you stand a much better chance of holding onto your current BF if you explain to him that you have the disorder and are working hard to control it in therapy. Make no mistake -- he already knows something is wrong. It therefore should be reassuring for him to hear that you know what it is and are taking steps to heal yourself.

Before telling him that, however, get your ducks in a row: First, obtain references for a BPD-experienced psychologist by calling several psychologists or calling the psych dept. at a university or hospital in your area. Second, see that psychologist as soon as possible to get his professional opinion as to whether your issue is, in fact, BPD. And, third, tell your current partner (if the psychologist agrees that may be helpful).

Until then, keep reminding yourself that, despite the intensity of your emotions, they do not constitute reality. They are only feelings. That is how we Nons deal with it. Specifically, when we are extremely angry about something, we know from a lifetime of experience that we cannot trust our own judgement at that time because our inner child takes control. So we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have a chance to cool down. It is far easier for us, of course, because we don't have to deal with the frequency and intensity of emotional changes you are experiencing.

Until you get more responses, Scared, please take a look at some of the other threads on this forum. You likely will find that other BPDs have raised many of the same issues you are having to deal with. Finally, I should note that the vast majority of borderline never achieve the level of self awareness necessary to realize that they have BPD. Hence, if you really do have this disorder as you suspect, you have an amazing degree of self awareness and courage. That means that your chances for learning to control your emotions are very good.

Hi there. I have a few questions for you.

Were you always this way? If not, at what age did this behavior start? I ask because truly most bpders I know have always been this way. It's like we are born with a sensitive nervous system, and, indeed, research is starting to back up biology. You say you did not act like this toward your first hub. Did you have a completely normal relationship with him? Do you get along with your family and friends?

If this behavior is specific to this one relationship, then I suspect there is something wrong with this particular relationship. At any rate, I think you should consult a therapist to help you with this, whatever it is.

Hey, keep us updated and Happy New Year