Do I Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

I think I have BPD. I'm not sure how or why it started but the symptoms started with low self-esteem, eating disorders, depression and then "these" feelings, such as suicidal thoughts and more depression.

Overall, I don't know who I am. I feel empty, alone, misunderstood. I take on a few personalities a week, hoping to find one that "fits." I have no perception of self. I don't know what I'm feeling or thinking. Whenever I try to hear myself (when it's quiet) think, I hear nothing. That's why I value people's opinon of me because I can't "see" myself. It's difficult for me to describe myself because I don't know who I am. I'm confused on what to believe, who I am, and my gender identity.

Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to keep living, yet I can't kill myself (though I've tried once). I feel that if I do kill myself, my parents would be so depressed and disappointed. Plus I don't really know for sure what lies beyond this life. There have been times when I've cried in public and in my bed because I want to end it, but I couldn't. I've even written suicide notes, just to feel "better."

I do everything except cut myself. I am afraid of blood, surprisingly. Yet I overdoes frequently on advil and cough medicine, make myself stay up for more than 24 hours at a time, drink multiple energy drinks a day (fighting addiction), make myself pass out, binge eat, seclude myself and have continued feelings of an eating disorder.

I want to have BPD or something similiar to it because it would be an answer to this question. I want people to pity me, feel sorry for me and take care of me. I tend to overexaggerate things. I rely too much on people, which makes things worse. I also have terrible relationships. Every one has been destroyed at one point. There are days when I love my friend, then hate him/her the next day. I am also extremely hyper-sensitive. I take every comment personally, and look for the meaning. I over-analyze everything. When I meet someone, I am mean and ignore them. But when they leave, I'm really nice and miss them. It's very confusing.

When I'm around people I don't know or my parents, I put on a mask and smile. I don't remember the last time I've felt genuinely happy. But I force myself to not think about how terrible I feel and focus on that evening. I tell myself that after that week, I will be so much happier. Then that time comes, and I say the same thing for the next week. I'm never genuinely happy. I do, however, go through a range of emotions. I get angry, am tense all the time, get hyper for no reason, then, when alone, I'm depressed much more. Am I doing this for attention?

I have difficulty making decisions. Extreme difficulty. I can't make long-term plans because they always end up being broken. I switch back and forth in them, which is bad, considering I am a senior in high school (18 yrs old).

I don't know what to do. I think that if I don't get help, one day I will commit suicide. I just can't see myself living when I'm older. I'm not even living now. I feel like a zombie or in a prolonged stage of sleep. Nothing really means anything to me, but some things do stress me out. I feel numb and don't know how to react appropriately to a situation. I tend to cry very easily.

Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder? Or am I just being overly dramatic? I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I have this, and sometimes I think I don't. I need help. Sorry for this long letter.

Thanks,
Juno

There is no way for us to diagnose you, but you know yourself that you do have traits. It's worth checking it out.

As somebody who has BPD, let me tell you that nobody will take care of you except for you. You need to be the one who seeks out help from a well-credentialed professional who understands borderline...first for diagnosis and then treatment, if necessary. It takes a very adept professional. And you have to want it bad and to work hard on yourself. But it's worth it.

Good luck. I'm going to attach a borderline site. It answers a lot of "borderline" questions, along with dispelling myths and talking about types of therapy that are effective. YOU have to take the first step to change. Here ya go:

http://www.bpddemystified.com/

Thanks for the advice and website. I will check it out.

It's just, I don't know if I have it. Sometimes I feel like I'm making the symptoms/feelings up. And other times, they're very glaringly obvious...

... And you know what? It's a good thing you're realizing this at such a young age.

Regardless of whether you are BPD or not just the fact that you realize "something's up" is such a good thing. I'm in my 40's and I didn't realize something was wrong until recently. I just thought it was depression... An eating disorder... OCD... I never thought for once it could be BPD. Didn't even know what that meant until a few years ago.

I too have the tendency to attach on to others and use them to find my sense of self. I have only realized recently that this isn't good. I'm learning to stand up for myself and realize I do matter.

I agree with AGCDEFG ~ Therapy is a good thing. And it's important to find someone who understands BPD. Thanks for the Website... I'm going to check it out too.

Hang in there, Juno. Most important thing for now is to seek out some help. Do you still live with your parents? Tell them about all this and ask them for help. If not, go it alone. You can do it! ~ Sly

Yes, I still live my parents. Even though we are very close, I cannot bring myself to tell them what's going on. When I had serious depression and an eating disorder, my mom cried for a long time after she found out. I can't put them through that again.

If I do look for a therapist, wouldn't my parents have to be involved? That is why I'm not currently looking for one. I do feel that I need help because I don't really want to go on. I've already tried it once and I will probably go through with it sometime soon.

I have a friend with BPD and I talk to her a lot. I also have an older friend who is helping me. She's like a sister to me. She has become a great source of strength which I have begun to draw from.

Do you honestly think I have BPD? Or am I just being weird?

Juno, all adults have BPD traits to some degree. The traits are not a problem until they become strong enough to start making you unhappy and undermining your relationships with other people. Yes, the behavior you describe sounds like strong BPD traits. But as Alphabet said, none of us here is qualified to know whether those traits rise to the diagnostic threshold level.

At this point, you only need to make a decision about seeking therapy, not a decision about what disorder you have. Hence, what is important is that you have such traits and that you are miserable. So it is important, as Alphabet and Sish said, to seek help from a professional well trained in this area.

Make no mistake, your parents already know you are suffering from something and are very worried about you already. Given all the painful behavior you describe here, they would have to be blind and dumb to not be worried. They are hiding that concern to protect you. Hence, when your mother started crying about your depression, it is very unlikely your openness caused her to start worrying. Instead, your openness likely helped her to get in touch with all the worrying she had been trying hard to suppress. More important, your openness gave her permission to start discussing it, knowing she did not have to remain silent to protect you.

So, by withholding information from them, you are only denying yourself access to the two people who are in the best position to give you help and support. Moreover, they likely will be greatly relieved to learn what the problem is so they won't feel so helpless, as they now are. Please tell them so they can help you find a really good therapist.

As Sish told you, it is remarkable that someone at your young age is self aware enough to realize you have behavioral traits which might be BPD. If you hang around this forum very long, you will meet lots of self aware people. But that is misleading. What is commonplace on this forum is very uncommon outside it.

Although I have met many BPD sufferers, I have yet to meet one outside this forum who is sufficiently self aware to be able to describe her self-destructive traits with the insight and detail you have demonstrated here. No, I haven't met one at any age, much less one at eighteen. It therefore is evident that you have remarkable strength and courage.

Thanks, Downtown DC, for your input and advice as well, but I'm not actually that aware of my traits/habits. I wish I was though. However, my self-destructive habits sometimes fade. They come in waves. They're either very powerful and bad, or nonexistant (for a day, per se).

I am a teenager, nonetheless. It could just be hormones. Or I could have possibly "skipped" the fifth stage of Erikson's psychosocial development.

I wish Sish, Alphabet or you could just run my life. I screw it up all the time. I can't make decisions. I'm too emotional, stressed out and sensitive.

Juno ~ You seem much more grown up than a typical teenager. I think you're more self-aware than you give yourself credit for.

I agree with Downtown in that it doesn't really matter which disorder you have, what matters is you get some help. Sounds like you're considering doing that. You don't really have to tell your parents; I mean, you are 18 and a legal adult. But if you're in school in something and don't have enough money to get the help you need, you'll have to tell them. I'm sorry your mom cried when you told her things before, but maybe that will help her understand better? In other words, she is "ready" for it more than if it came out of the blue.

I don't know... I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I'm just hoping it helps.

Sly

It's very possible, Sish. Even if I considered telling them, I'm not ready. I mean, what would I honestly tell them? In my family, things like this are better left up to the imagination or out of mind. Ignorance is literally bliss. I need my privacy, anyway. If they knew, they would ask me countless questions.

I just don't know anymore. Even if I did get a therapist, I doubt I'd get better. I've felt like this for a few years now. I don't think I can be "fixed," honestly. You know how some people know they have a purpose in life? I'm not one of those people. I used to be, but now, I can't see myself in my 20s or 30s. It's almost as if I wasn't meant to be.

You did make sense, no worries. And thanks.

juno1991 wrote:I just don't know anymore. Even if I did get a therapist, I doubt I'd get better. I've felt like this for a few years now. I don't think I can be "fixed," honestly.

I said you are strong and courageous. You are smart, too, when letting your adult do the talking -- as you did earlier today. (Unless you were adopted, that means at least one of your parents also is smart.) With this defeatist last post, all I hear is your inner child talking. Go away child! I want the smart courageous adult to return. I miss the conversation I had with her earlier.

What I'm saying Juno, is that there is no way an intelligent person like yourself, without even trying therapy, will logically conclude that she cannot be fixed. Hence, you don't "think" that. Rather, it is a feeling. That is, you should be saying "I don't feel I can be fixed." To which I can respond, I'm sorry you feel that way because it must feel discouraging.

None of us here is going to want to raise arguments against your child's feelings. They are irrational and untouchable by reason or logic. Yes, they are very real and intense. But you have to address them in some other way than talking in a rational manner about them.

You know how some people know they have a purpose in life? I'm not one of those people. I used to be, but now, I can't see myself in my 20s or 30s. It's almost as if I wasn't meant to be.

Those are feelings too so it is hard to believe your adult actually believes that. Like I said, go away child. Schoosh!