I need advice on a BPD boyfriend (long post)

This is my question and situation, sorry for the length of the post. What's the best stragedy for getting back someone who has borderline personality? Is it best to just ignore him and wait for him to return on his own, or should I attempt to get him back myself? I really love him and it's just difficult because he gets sooooo mad over nothing, even though he thinks it's something serious.

He had started to withhold sex from me for some random reason (he claimed that he just isn't into me like that anymore, yet the other night when he got high he was all over me, but claimed that he doesn’t remember it happening). I think one of the reasons he's doing it is because he thinks that since I want sex all the time, that he doesn’t satisfy me. Instead of constantly feeling inadequate sexually, I think he’s choosing to cut it off completely. Either that, or as some type of punishment because he does know I like it so much. But because he's withholding sex, I told him that I wouldn't be spending money on him anymore and this completely infuriated him. He told me all the girls want him and that he's going to ###$ one of them tonight instead.

He constantly lies, and when I catch him lying he tells me it's my fault because I accused him in the first place, so most of the time I let it go when he lies. His favorite line is "I don't care." He says he doesn't care so much that it makes me think he really DOES care. He tells me I give him high blood pressure all the time even when I've been nothing but good to him. He always puts me down, but I say nothing but good things about him.

The day it really seemed to go downhill was when I got involved with another guy. Once he found out, he told me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore but then after I agreed to cut the other guy off, he agreed to talk to me, but this was the time where he started withholding sex. The only reason why I did this because the whole time we've known each other, he's said repeatedly that we're not in a relationship, and that he doesn't care about me in that way and he even encouraged me to see other people, but yet he still seemed EXTREMELY offended by me getting involved with someone else. Even though he. of course. Repeatedly said that he didn't care.

Today we had a huge fight because I told him I wasn't going to buy him a 250 dollar Zune for Christmas since he's refusing to give me sex or kisses anymore. (I already bought him an XBox 360, a cruise, a samuri sword, an iPod touch, clothes and video games, not counting the places I've brought him when we go out. I don't mind, but it never seems to be enough. I have to keep proving I love him.) He couldn't understand why I wasn't doing it and now he told me he doesn't want us to talk anymore. But yet he told me that he still wants us to go on the cruise together that we had planned, even tho he told me not to talk to him the entire time. Yet when I approached him with the idea of a cruise, he said he didn't want to go on it, he was only doing it for me. So, he's essentially going on a cruise that he doesn't want to go on, with a person he doesn't want to be near. Ok...?

He's been especially bad lately, I think it’s because of the holidays coming up, since his family had kicked him out earlier this year. As we've gotten closer, it seems like it's gotten worse. His feelings are constantly back and forth. He gets especially mad because I constantly try to analyze him, I know I should stop if it's bothering him but I guess I didn't realize HOW bad it bothers him. He claims my guesses are ALWAYS wrong. It's like I can see right through him and it pisses him off, but I think he's just scared that I won't like the real him, either that or he doesn't want to face his true feelings.

He's counter dependent and I'm co-dependent. He HATES to be touched. I LOVE and CRAVE affection. I keep trying to compromise and he wants nothing to do with it. I have to change what I do for HIM. I feel like I'm the first girl who is truly there for him and he has no idea how to deal with it. It seems like he doesn't feel like he's worthy of anything because he's always telling me that he doesn't understand why I care for him so much. I can't help it. I love this man. I have no idea if he loves me or not. I don't know why he'd act like this if he didn't love me and just wanted to be friends as he claims. He always goes back and forth for how he feels for me. Sometimes he says that we have something between us and other times he says we have nothing, we have never had anything and we will never have anything. I think he's been hurt so much that when he comes close to having real feelings for someone he hurts them instead. I could go on all day. I know we'll never have a "normal" relationship but I just want him back anyway. (I suppose it's my dependent personality disorder.)

Anyone have any ideas? How should I get him back? And does it seem like in his disturbed mind he might genuinely love me? Why do BPDs resent people who make them happy? Also is there any way to get back on their "good list" once they've put you on their "bad list?" Please don't tell me to just leave him because I'm not going to. I might have other men on the side to keep my sanity since he has no problem having other women, but I'm just not leaving him. I don’t care if I have to be completely subservient to him. All advice is appreciated very much.

How should I get him back? ... Please don't tell me to just leave him because I'm not going to. ... I don’t care if I have to be completely subservient to him.

Wifey, you are in the wrong forum. I suggest you try one of the addiction forums here or, alternatively, a travel forum that would give you ideas on where to take him next. Have you considered a cruise to Alaska?

You will find that the regular members of this BPD forum (BPDs as well as the Nons) are here to get healthier, not sicker. They therefore will advise you to stay away from him until he starts learning how to control his BPD and you start learning how to control your codependency. Your toxic relationship is hurting both of you.

Granted, you might find one or two newbies on this forum who want to help you get him back. But how could they possibly come up with something you haven't already tried? At this point, you've turned the man into a gigolo by buying him every imaginable gift in exchange for sex -- a process that could only be improved, I suppose, by his establishing a gift registry so you know what to buy next. At the same time, you've turned yourself into such a doormat that your goal of becoming "completely subservient" has already been achieved.

I nonetheless implore you to not remove this thread until I can see how Shaken responds. He is the young man who brought down the ceiling in another thread where Nons were discussing whether it is easy to get BPDs into bed. Your seeking advice on how to get BPD gigolos back into bed takes that discussion to a whole new level.

I have borderline, but unlike your bf I have had YEARS of therapy and work on myself every day.

Hon, RUN FOR THE HILLS.

If you stay with him, or try to get him back, you will be wasting your life on a very sick man who is not doing one thing to help himself. And you can't make him do it. He has to decide to get help on his own and then it will still be years before he can possibly be a good mate for you. Run, run, run and don't try to fix him because you can't. It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. He isn't capable of a relationship. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to let him go. (((Hugs))) I know it's hard, but I know what I"m talking about.

AGCDEFG wrote:Hon, RUN FOR THE HILLS. ...The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to let him go. (((Hugs)))

Wifey said she didn't want to hear that from anyone. But I'm so glad you said it anyway, Alphabet. It means so much more coming from you and, then, you're such a sweetie when you do it. We Nons are the ones who are hard on unrepentant Nons. We're like reformed smokers coming upon a smoker with a cigarette hanging in his mouth.

hi johnswifey, i am new here and i experienced the same thing you are experiencing right now.

i'm sorry i cannot tell you how to win your boyfriend back, but i'm going to share my experience in another thread and i hope you read it so you can decide if you really want to win this person back.

AGCDEFG wrote:If you stay with him, or try to get him back, you will be wasting your life on a very sick man who is not doing one thing to help himself. And you can't make him do it. He has to decide to get help on his own and then it will still be years before he can possibly be a good mate for you. Run, run, run and don't try to fix him because you can't. It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. He isn't capable of a relationship. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to let him go. (((Hugs))) I know it's hard, but I know what I"m talking about.

As hard as it is to admit, somewhere deep down I know you're right. It's so tough to do though because he told me that everyone always leaves him. I wanted to be the one girl who was different and stayed with him regardless. Also I think part of it is that he's partially convinced me that everything that's been going on is all my fault. Part of me thinks if I could just not say certain things, or of I do things better, or if I treat him better that none of this would be happening. Here are a few choice quotes of his from the fight from earlier:

“u act like an old person, u cant interact wit anyone” (I have social anxiety and he knows this)
“it shouldnt be that hard to find a girlfriend cuz they all want me”
“all u do is piss me off now”
“ur no different from all the other girls, ur all the same to me”
“everyone ###$ cares about me, I dont give two ###$ nemore”
“###$ it michelle, leave me alone”
“delete me from everything cuz that’s what im doin” (Yet I’m still on his buddylist)
“I no longer have to explain myself to u, u r no longer my friend or nethin to me, u will not stay in my memories”
“headache and high blood pressure, wheres a girlfriend when u need her”

These to me sound like the words of someone who's really hurting. But, just because he's hurting, it doesn't justify him attempting to hurt me and put me down.

Hon, I'm sorry I said exactly what you didn't want to hear. But I felt compelled to say it. Now let me explain something. A big BIG part of borderline is a terror of being abandoned. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy too because the untreated borderline finds ways to chase away even the most loving SO's. It is part of the illness though and staying with him will NOT make him less afraid. There is NOTHING you can say or do to convince him that you will not leave him. It's distorted thinking, but it's part of bpd. Sadly for me, I have lost a few important people because of my illness, but that helped me learn and made me realize how much I needed help.

You will get sucked into his illness yourself if you stay. And he will delay getting any treatment he might get if he hits rock bottom if you enable him. I see it as the same as staying with an alcoholic. If you go to an Al-Anon meeting, I am told, you will be told not to enable the alcoholic or he won't have incentive to get better PLUS you will destroy yourself. Alcoholism is also a serious illness where people tend to be in denial. Think of borderline as alcoholism (indeed, they often do go hand in hand). Do you really want to stay with a man and have children with somebody who is that sick? Think of the children you could have and the chaos they will live in because of their father. Is that the home you want for yourself and your future family?

Please think hard, and take good care of yourself. And have a Merry Christmas with those you can count on and who will act consistent toward you and loving because they CAN and he CAN'T.

AGCDEFG wrote:Please think hard, and take good care of yourself. And have a Merry Christmas with those you can count on and who will act consistent toward you and loving because they CAN and he CAN'T.

Thank you for putting it in perspective for me, and talking some sense into me. Merry Christmas to you as well. He's back talking to me again, after assuring me he'd NEVER speak to me again. I feel like he's threatening to leave me in an attempt to manipulate me into doing the things he wants me to do. It seems as though his emotional development hasn't gotten past that of a child. Ironically though, now that I know more about his illness, I see how easily he could be manipulated. He told me he burned my Christmas presents after the fight but now he's going to go back out and get me the same things again. It seems like this is just going to be his continual pattern. This situation with him is making me realize that I need to work a lot harder on my dependency issues. Instead of worrying about trying to fix him, I need to work on myself first, otherwise I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I do love him and when he's in a good mood he's the most amazing guy I've ever met. But when he's bad, he's BAD. I don't want to be with someone who constantly is condescending to me.
If it's not asking too much I have a few other questions that have been driving me crazy. Why does it seem as though borderlines and dependents attract each other? Why are borderlines so afraid of admitting that they care about people? Do borderlines tend to say the opposite of what they mean? And why do some borderlines dislike physical affection?

You know, hon, every borderline is different so it's impossible to tell you why your SO acts like he does. Plus a lot of borderlines also have traits of other psychiatric illnesses such as bipolar/anxiety/depression/maybe some have a bit of narcicism, etc. It's even hard for doctors to diagnose people who, for lack of a different explanation, are differently wired and behave in puzzling ways. My guess is that even he doesn't know why he does the things he does. You are pretty much at the mercy of your up/down emotions (much different than bipolar because they change minute to minute). Until you learn to recognize what is going on with you and that how you are FEELING at the moment does not mean that your feelings are an accurate portrayal of reality, it is hard to stop acting out on these crazy back and forth emotions. Now some people have these emotional swings more and worse than other borderlines. You can have a cold or have pneumonia. Either way, you need a lot of therapy to understand yourself. It is the only way you can stop, think, learn coping skills and be the person that you are underneath your disorder. And since many borderlines aren't even sure of who they are, because they change so quickly, that can also take time. Borderelines have poorly integrated personalities so we can be our adult self or our child self or our good self or our naughty self at different times. This lack of integration needs to be addressed. It is quite workable. Usually when the borderline is raging or making some sort of all-or-nothing demand or not making any sense, his "child" self is the one you are talking to. And doesn't it seem as if you are talking to a two year old sometimes?

I'll try to give you an example of something I would have done before I got help and I can tell you why *I* did it and assume that your SO is at least in the ballpark of doing his strange turnabouts for the same reason that I did. However, I don't know for sure. But I'll do the best I can.

SO: Can you please unload the dishwasher?

(This is an innocent request, but depending on the mood of the borderline, it can escalate to feeling like criticism, bossiness from SO to flat out acting like the borderline is a slave. This is IN THE MIND OF THE BORDERLINE ONLY. Most likely it is an innocent question. I am going to pretend that the borderline (in this case the old me) is upset about something that has NOTHING to do with the dishes and my inner child is in control of me. And, trust me, my inner child, used to be a whopper ). Now if a borderline is under stress and has not had the training to learn how to control the stress, this absolutely innocent statement can send her/him over the edge. I will give you my inner child's response, which you probably recognize).

ME (stressed out from criticism from work and pouting because of that) Why don't YOU do it? You ALWAYS make ME do everything around here! You KNOW I had a hard time at work today and now you F****** expect me to be your slave on top of it. Well, F**** you! (gets up and throws a dish on the floor, breaking it). And I'm not cleaning THAT up either (notice the child-like tantrum). You're such a jerk! You don't love me. I hate you! (more childlike blubberings). I'M LEAVING! In fact, I WANT A DIVORCE!

SO is left with a swirling head, wondering what he did and feeling guilty. "I shouldn't have been so hard on her."

Two hours later she comes back, her adult having taken over, and runs to him, hugs him, apologizes, is full of remorse. "I don't know why I acted that way. I'm so sorry. You must hate me. I would NEVER leave you (borderlines tend to speak in black/white terms. "I'll hate you forever." "I'll LOVE you forever.") Yet because of shifting emotions it is impossible to feel one way about anybody forever for a borderline who is unaware of his disorder. When the borderline is in "adult" mode she also means what she is saying at the moment. It's not a lie. It's just that her/his emotions will shift again, the inner child will come back, so that the borderline can't be consistent. I know it doesn't help the nons, but the borderline is usually tortured by her own reactions and inconsistencies and anger...and I can speak for ME only when I say I was horrified by the childish rages. I would be so regretful that suicide would cross my mind a lot. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just am trying to explain the full range of emotions a borderline experiences due to the emotional dysregulation so that nons can understand it more, even though I don't believe anyone should stay with an untreated borderline.

Why are codependents attracted to borderlines? Sometimes they aren't, but the other ones leave. That's why I encourage nons to seek help too...so that they don't get involved in many dysfunctional relationships. It's an illness of itself. "I can fix him. He's so nice when he's being nice. I can see the potential." "I promised in church to love him forever." "If I leave, he'll kill himself and I'll be responsible." You can't fix this serious disorder. It takes a very skilled professional who specifically understands borderline (they are out there).

Be happy to try to answer anything I can. But remember all borderlines are different. If they substance abuse or attempt suicide, it's NOT your fault. It's hard for me to know what a borderline on drugs is like (it can't be pretty) because I knew SOMETHING was wrong with me and didn't want to make it worse by using drugs or even drinking. I've never been drunk in my life! I *have* made a few grand stand manipulative suicide threats, fortunately for the people who knew me, only a few times. The suicide threat is emotional blackmail. Call 9-1-1, but leave. If it happens, it's not your fault. The person is very sick and you can't possibly be responsible for him or her. But borderlines do kill themselves at a 9-10% rate so definitely call for help. It is the ONLY thing that you can do.

Whew! Hope this helped somebody!!! Merry Christmas

Thank you for letting me see just how completely irrational my own thoughts have been with my relationship with me ex. Granted, when I have been at the point you have been at I at some level also knew I was not thinking clearly. Now I can see that even better.

I cannot help you figure out how to get him back and I refuse to try. I only recently came to the point of not wanting to get my ex back (though I want to retain the friendship, I am coming close to telling him to piss off entirely.) What I can tell you is it will probably get worse before it gets better, and as of right now for me it has only been getting worse. So I can't promise that it will get better.

PLEASE let yourself talk to your friends and family who are able to see the reality of how toxic this situation is to you. Remind yourself that they are RIGHT and you are too emotionally invested and are so willing to be making excuses for him that you are refusing to do what you know would be best in the end for YOU.

You had a very long post there detailing the ways he mistreats you and is completely unreasonable in his reactions towards you, leaving my to wonder why on earth you would even want him back. Your original post read, "How do I get my ex back, he treats me like crap!"

Let me remind you, as my friends have had to remind me MANY times over the past 6 months: YOU DESERVE BETTER... he treats you horribly and you can find someone who will treat you well ALL the time not just when they are being good. Now let me add what I have been reminding myself since I made the decision to no longer pursue a relationship with my ex: You are FAR better off with no one that with someone who makes you miserable.

~K