Cathartic ramble...wife with BPD?

I am removing this post because I think some of the details would easily point to me if my wife were to see this (that would not make her very happy). I hope that she seeks help, though not likely.

WW, I'm sorry to be welcoming you to the BPD forum under such sad and painful circumstances for you. Like you, I also come from "a non abusive household where my father was a highly functioning alcoholic" and my closest sibling was "5 years older than me." The result of that situation was that my mother was not getting her emotional needs met by my father so she turned her full attention on my sister and me -- particularly me. I therefore became the "little man" of the household, growing up to mistakenly believe that being desperately needed by someone for what I can do -- not being loved for what I already am -- is what real love is like.

I needed to ... make it known to her that I would not allow myself to be subjected to that .... That's when changes started to happen.

Your emotional growth, by leading to the establishment of stronger personal boundaries, is causing her to pull away from you because she is unwilling to tolerate them and unwilling to actively participate in the therapy she is receiving. On another website, a BPD therapist says that BPD relationships typically last 18 months or 15 years. They last 18 months, he explains, if the Non has strong personal boundaries because a healthy Non typically is willing to spend maybe 6 to 12 months trying to reestablish the fantasy conditions experienced during the 6 month honeymoon period.

The relationship last 15 years, he explains, when the Non has very weak personal boundaries because, as the years go by, the BPD spouse becomes increasingly resentful that the Non cannot make her happy or fix her. Significantly, such a codependent Non (like me) never does abandon his wife. Instead, she abandons him. Indeed, what often happens is that she fabricates a "physical abuse" and has him arrested, as occurred in my case. That puts her in the best position for retaining the children, staying rent-free in the home, obtaining the best divorce settlement, and taking all mutual friends away from him.

The 15-year process is accelerated, as occurred in your case after only 8 years, when the Non grows stronger and sets up better personal boundaries. I therefore commend you for your courage and fortitude. I wish you could have been able to advise me when I was half-way through my 15 years with my ex, perhaps saving me from the last seven years.

After telling her that I did look at pornography for some "relief" she stated (and had me convinced) that I was a porn addict.

Been there done that. During the 6 month "mirroring" honeymoon period, my ex loved everything I did, including my porn. Indeed, she bought me a scrapbook to put it in. After the marriage, of course, she denounced me as being a porn addict and wanted "the filth" destroyed. Unlike you, however, I never believed it.

She has called me at work on at least 2 or 3 occasions to tell me that she was going to end her life.

I know the feeling. My ex called me three times from the subway platform -- so I could hear the rumbling sounds of trains going by -- and told me she intended to jump in front of the next one. Then she would hang up.

I told her that we should really attend couples therapy if we wanted this to work. She had always refused that notion, but finally relented.

Yes, I tried the couples therapy. Actually, I spent over $200,000 on six different therapists over a 15 year period. Like your wife, mine played games with the therapists or refused to go back to them. The last one she saw weekly for 5 years. She liked that therapist because the T never would render a diagnosis, instead claiming "labels are not useful." After four years, I kept insisting on a diagnosis and she finally conceded, in her vague way, that it is "a thought disorder." As far as I could tell, all that therapy was a total waste of money because my ex, being high functioning, never believed she had a real problem.

The biggest mistake I made with therapists was going to the very same one that treated my wife privately and who treated us both in couples sessions. That mistake ensured that I would never hear the term "BPD" because the therapist would not even tell my wife what her diagnosis was. Of course, she would not tell me for fear I would reveal it to my wife. You therefore made a very wise move when deciding to see a psychologist separate from the T who is treating your wife.

I locked myself into the bathroom and laid on the floor what I presumed would be my sleeping area for the night.

On the day my ex had me arrested, she had chased me from room to room. Normally, I would leave the apt. just like you do. This time, however, she was threatening to do something very costly -- which could have made me liable and lose all my life's savings -- if I left. Because none of our interior doors has a lock (Big Mistake #2), she came into my bedroom four times -- on the fourth entry she started destroying the door by swinging it hard in an attempt to hit my head before I backed away. Instead, it slammed into the wall. So I pushed her back away from the door (Big Mistake #3) and she tripped, falling down. That is all it takes, in DC, to get you arrested. All of this "brutalization," by the way, took place 15 feet from her sister and our grand daughter, both of whom I had flown here and was entertaining at a cost of $2,000.

Is going "no contact" like this a good idea (I saw that mentioned elsewhere). I am also torn, since I desperately what her to get help, and I feel like I am abandoning a friend in need.

Yes, it absolutely is a good idea. If you had very strong personal boundaries, one might argue that minimal contact would be best because that might facilitate your effort to reach some sort of fair settlement with her. Yet, because you are still learning to build stronger personal boundaries, you are at great risk of returning to her, continuing in a toxic relationship that is harmful to her as well as you.

I know because that is what I did over and over again. Like you, I felt that leaving her went against all my beliefs and every fiber of my being. In hindsight, however, I now realize it the best thing I ever did.

Or, rather, it was the best thing she did to me. As I explained, I never got strong enough to walk out on her. Even when I got out of jail and found that she had secured a protection order barring me from my own home, I still was not strong enough to divorce her. For me, what it took was seeing her stand up in court, in front of my adult step kids and one grand daughter, and lie to the judge about my violent nature.

The judge saw through it and fully suspended the sentence because she could see that all three women (my wife, her sister, and our grand daughter) had serious emotional problems. Indeed, it was the judge who told me that I never should have been going to the same therapist as my wife.

So, WW, you will have an enormous amount of undeserved guilt and pain to work through while pursuing the divorce. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that nearly all of the Nons on this forum -- as well as many of the BPDers -- agree that (when children are not a consideration) Nons should leave the BPD spouse unless (a) she is sufficiently self aware to acknowledge she has a problem like BPD, (b) she has obtained a good therapist, and (c) there is evidence she is working hard to learn to control her emotional dysregulation. Otherwise, the Non's codependency is the glue that holds together a toxic relationship that is harming both people.

Finally, the general advice here is that a Non involved in such a long term relationship almost certainly has strong codependency traits, because healthy Nons typically do not remain in toxic relationships beyond 18 months or so. That is, it takes two people with serious issues to sustain such a relationship for very long. Even after you divorce your wife, you will be at risk of seeking out another woman with the same disorder if you do not work hard on bringing your codependency under control.

But you already know that. So I again commend you for your decision to seek help from your own psychologist. You are on the right path now. If you were to venture off onto the path that I took, the two of you likely would remain mired in that painful mess for another seven years until she decides to abandon you.

Ditto here....

WW, I strongly recommend that you pay a visit to BPDfamily.com, where they have separate forums for Nons who are Staying, Undecided, and Leaving. Take a look at the "Leaving" forum, where you will find valuable information on protecting yourself once you decide you are committed to a divorce. Of all the precautions they give, the most important rule when you are divorcing a BPD spouse is to prepare for your move in advance and announce your intention to leave on the very day that you are moving out.

Because your wife will be in great pain, irrational and terrified, she likely will split you black in a way you have never witnessed before. My wife, for example, did many things I could have never imagined she was capable of doing to me. That is, divorcing a person who is unable to regulate their emotions gets very nasty very quick. Hence, from the moment you announce you are leaving, you will be at great risk. As I mentioned, being arrested like I was is very common.

Once you leave for the hotel or apt., do not return without someone accompanying you -- preferably someone (e.g., movers) whom your wife does not know because she is less likely to act out around total strangers. There are dozens of other things you need to know that those forum members will walk you through. Take care!

Thanks Downtown - you've been very helpful. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, and I will definitely check out the site you mentioned. Thanks again.
ww65