PLEASE!....I need insight from those with BPD!!

I have an ex who is undiagnosed BPD....During our relationship, I had no idea why she would have outbursts...crying, calling me names, over really minor things. I am not going to get into detail about the relationship, but please know that I realize I have no business diagnosing her...but after the relationship ended I needed closure...so i went online to kind of figure out how to deal with the break up. I came across BPD and sooooooooooo many behaviors/characteristics were dead on.

I love her......but it was so hard to deal with all of the verbal abuse. our last text was her calling me a name and me pleading with her to stop...and I told her she was so abusive and it was hard enough to deal with the break up. She texted back saying ...ok..and i thanked her (genuinely..i was surprised she stopped, because she usually goes on and on). she then said 'ok..after i thanked her and told me to take care. we had no contact for 3 weeks..during that time i learned so much about BPD.

I then became saddened...I felt really bad...not pity bad...but bad that she has to go through this. I reached out via email (we are long distance btw), no response...i texted her after t-day and told her that i hope she had a nice holiday...no response...i texted her a few days ago to ask if she was ok..no response. Last night I emailed her telling her that in my heart i was saddened by how things ended. i apologized for my wrongdoing (calling her abusive) and told her that i look forward to being her friend when we are both ready. she emailed me back this morning and said 'thank you....i wish you peace and happiness..n that you live, laugh n love (her fav saying). then she said I'm texting this..sorry so quick. (she was texting the email from her phone.) that was it. My question is...why can't she apologize for her behavior? I mean she was really mean to me...i forgive her regardless and won't bring it up, but i was just wondering. she alos is very guarded..most times she is very expressive when she communicates her feelings. Lastly, does she even want to be my friend? she did not respond to that either...idk...am i being a pest...should i just leave her alone? give it time? i personally am not ready to be just friend, because i still have romantic feelings towrd her...i mean we were so in love..talked about marriage, livnig together etc. but i am just so confused. i have no clue what she could be thinking. i do realize just because she may have bpd...doesn't mean that you can answer specifically to her, but what are your thoughts and observations. I would really appreciate any insight. thanks so much everyone!

Dude, I wasn't going to answer any nons anymore because some are so negative and hurtful in their posts, but you weren't and nobody else is answering you so, hey, I'll try to help. I am bpder trying to recover and working hard and I can look back and see the stuff I once did and maybe offer good advice/maybe not (take your pick)

I say this to almost anyone who is kind of addicted to somebody with bpd or with bpd-like traits. Remember, you can't diagnose her. Only a professional can do that. Having said that, this person sounds like she is very emotionally all over the place and with bpd you ARE. Its not intentional, your emotions just change very quickly and you present as very unstable and can greatly confuse your partner/friend/parent by being sweet one moment and suddenly weepy or angry the next and it doesn't seem to make any sense. And, trust me, it makes no sense to the bpder either and, if she is bright and insightful at all, she will eventually seek out some really good treatment, such as Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, to help her control her emotional dysregulation as well as her impulsivity (too big problems I have and struggle with every day, but TRY very hard not to inflict on others).

If she is in that mode where she is confusing you or maybe making you think you did something wrong, I do think that, as hard as you may find it, it is best to let her go. She isn't in shape to give you what you need, and, frankly, she isn't in shape to love herself yet either. She needs help controlling those fluctuating moods and it's just not going to happen because she WANTS it to happen. I am shocked at how much work it took even to get to where I'm at, and she needs to understand that she has a serious disorder, she needs to seek out appropriate help (not all therapy helps bpders, and you need to let her go until she does these two things.) If not, I can promise you, she will make promises that she wants to keep, but can not keep. She will say she loves you and then say she hates you and she will mean it both times. She is not a whole person yet and this takes time.

Do yourself a favor and be good to yourself. Pamper yourself. Do the things you like to do. Try to make a CLEAN break with her because any opening will draw her in again and you don't need the dysfunction, which will only cause YOU dysfunction. Most nons who post here are good people who are puzzled that being nice or loving isn't enough. You're right, it's not. You are dealing with somebody who has a serious mental illness and it is asking too much of yourself to be able to help her. I hope you perhaps go into counseling to work through your codependency (bpders attract co-dependents like bees attract honey...lol).

Hopefully both of you will get stronger, but you have to think about yourself first. It's not selfish to take care of YOU and I truly hope you do that. Well, that's just my .02 and I hope you have a great night and take care of you

Thanks! I appreciate you responding...funny, I sent you a private message on here a couple of days ago praising your insightfulnees and willingness to help. lol

Yeah...I agree. I know I cannot have a romantic relationship with her. Because you are right..I have needs as well and it would be unhealthy. Just want to be her friend down the line...when I have healed from this.

I also understand what you mean about us 'non's'. I have noticed in a lot of forums in which they basically insinuate that those who have bpd are evil, all of them cheat...on and on. I don't agree at all of course. (my ex was faithful and loyal, and I know she is not evil..not at all.) Also, a lot of people will just say they think their ex has bpd if they exhibit even one characteristic. I was more sad when I discovered that she MAY have it. Because I knew there was NO chance for us romantically. I do realize she needs a lot of help. And I will never say that to her...not my place.

Thanks again...and good luck to you in your recovery. I can't imagine how difficult it must be....