Why do they keep you as a contact after they leave?

Another question regarding BPD. My BPD ex has (I believe) split me black as she has not contacted me in a few months. I did write her a letter asking her to treat me with respect. I'm not sure why she has cut contact with me, but she has and I am only assuming that it is because of the letter I wrote to her telling her that she makes me feel uncomfortable when I talk to her because she's so hot and cold with me. I emailed her a couple of times after that to see how she was doing and tell her how much i really care about her but no response. However, she still has me on her messenger BUT has me BLOCKED (and probably still has my phone number). So my question is, if she hates me right now then why does she (and generally other Borderlines) still keep me (and others) as means of contact? Does this mean they still care for you or still love you? Because with most people, if you hate someone, you get rid of them out of your life completely and can care less about having their contact info. She can see me whenever i'm online online and so can easily delete me if she wants to. Any responses would help. Thanks.

Hi,

There is never any sense in these issues, and any form of contact is a bad form of contact. Therefore, just cut her out of your life completely. Even if you go to her in a friendly manner, it's just as bad as going to her in an angry manner. For both of your benefits, you must do the logical thig and just move away from her. only then can you both have a chance to move forward in your respectve lives. Delete all contact information about her, andd if she still manages to get in touch with you, don't even read what she has to say - just delete it and look forward. Over time, the lack of responsde that she gets from you will make it easier for her to move forward in her life too.

Kevin

But I really care for this person a LOT. How come you suggest I cut contact with them? I'm a bit confused, it would help if you can explain as to why you feel any contact with them is bad contact?

I will try to explain:

I understand that you care for her, but look at what is happening - Each time you try to make contact with her, you end up getting hurt. You can cut contact now and take a 'break' from each other. After this 'break' period, you both might have matured/wisened to the point where you can both be friends. Right now, however, communicating with each other is eroding your relationship progressively further. Please, just take a break from her.

Kevin

Ok, here's how I see it.

I have a thirteen year old kid who has every social networking gig that exists and when she gets angry at somebody she does block them, but doesn't delete them. In no way is this child borderline. Bless her soul, she has tons of friends and is just a wonderful person. But she doesn't delete. If I ask her why not she shrugs and says, "I don't know. I just don't." Maybe she will want to contact them in a few years or something...lol.

I think sometimes the borderline label has people tied up in knots. If you were involved with a borderline she may actually be doing what a lot of people do...block but not delete.

Now...speaking as a borderline myself: When I was much sicker often I would not contact somebody I REALLY cared about because I felt it was better for both him and me to take a long break. I knew I needed help and was not a good partner and I also felt that the partner, even if he was a nice person, was bad for me at the time. It could be that he overwhelmed me or I didn't trust him or that I just didn't want a relationship at the time. It may have had nothing at all to do with him personally. It would have been healthier if I had been able to call him and tell him this, but I wasn't healthy and I couldn't do it. The kindest and best thing I could do for me and for him was to just stay away so I wasn't tempted to go back to a bad situation for BOTH of us. I had always had a lot of self-awareness and I really didn't like to hurt people. Also, if I hit that deep, dark depressive hole, I really wanted to be alone or just with my few close friends whom I could trust (girlfriends, not male friends).

I am not sure what your particular ex is thinking because, contrary to popular belief we ARE all individuals and we can't know for sure what another borderline is thinking. But it's best not to snap to conclusions or try to read her mind. IMO it's best to deal with what you know: She doesn't want to talk to you. It's probably best to just move on and let it be. Now that I can see things more clearly, I always figure if something is meant to be, it will. That even includes friendship with an ex. It can't always happen.

Have a great night and try not to think too hard

To answer your question, why do they keep you as a contact after they leave?

I'm going to try and not sound harsh but it's because the borderlines fear abandonment, both real and perceived. It's a way to manipulate you in the future and see if you still care about them. Usually they have several of us nons as backups (my ex would never go a day without already being in another relationship or at least someone’s bed after a breakup). They cannot be alone as this is their biggest fear. To not keep your things or refrain from contacting you in anyway would mean giving you closure and then they might have to face the fact that their perceptions that you might not actually care about them are true. It could take weeks, months or even years as they focus their attentions on others but usually they check in using some method at some point in time. My ex actually still keeps in touch with several past exes (and lovers, even one night stands) as 'friends'. Some examples of how my ex did this to me when we were not together:

Seeing me at a mutual friend’s birthday party and texting me to meet her outside despite her ignoring me for several weeks and I giving her no indication I wanted to speak to her at this engagement.

calling me up to help her get a rental car because her car broke down and she didn't have anyone else to call (2 weeks mind you after our biggest break up and her asking me to move out of our shared home, because I had nowhere else to stay she had been staying at her parents. This also happened the very day I was moving to my new place. Oh, and I later found out that she had already been sleeping with an ex lover!).

Telling a friend of mine she barely knew within 5 minutes of an online conversation she initiated that she was doing fine and had been dating a "nice" guy for two months when it had been less than two months since she broke things off, she had indicated (LIED) that she had missed out on a lot of her friends lives while we were together and had been selfish and needed to focus on building those relationships she intended to have for a long time. This was also a month after I had stopped all contact (even third party) due to legal boundaries she set up.

And yes I gave in every time and helped or replied in some fashion, that's how addicted I am!

because I had taken her broken laptop to get fixed (and paid for it of course!) and only I could get it back and after she had filed a police report for stealing it, I sent her a brief text saying it was done and when she wanted to meet in a public place to get it. She responded by calling me up a bit tipsy, to come and get her from a party she was at. I did and after some amazing sex we got together for the last time (later found out she was at the guy she was currently dating birthday party and in the previous week we had been at a mutual event and she had completely ignored me, like she never even knew who I was!)

After a 2 year 'relationship" aka addiction to my borderline and after several horrible breakups (police, suicide attempts, physical and verbal abuse, slandering, calling police, her spreading horrible rumors to my boss, parents, friends, etc) I discovered we would date for about 4 months and then break up and be off for 2-3 months (I was usually split black at this point), then we'd get back together (and people would be like WTF?!?).

In my most recent break up (2 months ago) she initiated it as a preemptive strike because I'm sure she perceived my behaviors as 'abandoning" despite our history and those things had not been as crazy this round. She did however keep a few hundred dollars worth of my stuff, despite having three separate opportunities to get everything back to me. I did get some but NOT everything. She then proceeded to completely ignore me and after I had a third party step in a following a lawyer’s advice sent her and email describing the items and worth, indicating I would file a police report if she did not comply. Well big mistake she called up the police and reported that I was harassing and stalking her. Of course she forgot to mention that we had been seeing one another recently and indicated back to when she had filed a report with the police that I had stolen her laptop (I didn't and it went nowhere), plus she did have some previous emails where I said some not so nice things from a previous breakup (crazy by proximity anyone), so she definitely had some ammo. I was given a warning that all she'd have to do is report me again for any reason and I would go to jail so I gave up. But see how this left an opening to contact me again in the future?

Funny thing is I managed to get mugged during all this so I ended up having to change my cell number but she still has my email. I waiting for the 3 month period to come and if she'll inmate contact again somehow (prolly be pissed when she realizes my # changed ). After she called the police and I ceased any contact and my attempt to get my things back she contact a random friend of mine that she barely knows and within 5 minutes was telling him that she had been dating a 'nice' (see how I'm black and he's now white) for the past two months. Well we both know it's been less than that since she broke things off! Was she trying to get a reaction from me? I think so!

All this despite her sounding logical, sincere and regretful during the breakup. I just want us to both move on she said!

Sorry for the long post!

WoW That is so me.

I'm glad someone raised this topic because it confuses the heck out of me. A month after a fight with my ex-friend, I bumped into her and tried to talk to her but got ignored. So, I figure she needs her space and doesn't want to talk to me. So, I go to great lengths to avoid. Then she starts going out of her way to see me. Recently, I waved from a distance but didn't go speak to her. She get angry and blocks me on Facebook. I don't know if it's because she saw me or because I didn't go talk to her -- It's like nothing I do is right. I just can't figure out why, if I trigger so much anger within her, why she'd go out of her way to see me. But now after reading this, I think I'm a little less confused. Well, maybe, maybe not but at least I have a better understanding of what others have experienced, and while everyone's experiences are different, it does help. So, thanks.

This behavior sounds really familiar so I thought I might share some of the method hehind my own madness.

It is very easy for me to feel hurt, betrayed, and/or abandoned. Doesnt take much. Theres also a lot of special little ticks and triggers that are probably nowhere near guessable. Much like tripwires you wouldnt be likely to notice them until after youd...well, tripped them lol Im going to attempt to make sense here.

When Im mad (mad being an umbrella term here) at someone that is an active part of my life my immediate feeling is to get them as far away from me physically and emotionally as possible. I think I this behavior grew out of a necessity to replace the consuming rage that used to be my norm.

It seems to me that you are a bit confused by her ability to feel/act a completely different way towards you for no apparent reason. Well all i can do is relay what goes through my head but it could be similar.Its as all of the emotions are constantly around waiting to be tapped into... If Im mad at someone i can simply think about them for a while and boom Im in love all over again (or whatever). It feels more natural to work things out in my own mind on my own time. It could have a lot to do with her upbringing (I know, cliche)

I keep trying to tell you, honey, that sometimes there isn't a reason.
I don't have reason for about 90% of the things I do unless they're directly related to something I'm thinking about RIGHT THEN.
Maybe that's just me, not so much a Borderline trait...
But I really don't think it's significant from what I know of the situation.