Deleted post

I am sorry. Delete this post please.

maybe she is testing you x

We were together for 3 months ... although short, we had an amazing relationship with respect, humor and passion.

Hi, Emma81, welcome to the BPD forum. As you likely know by now from reading about BPD, those suffering from it have an unstable sense of who they are. They therefore will try to fit in by mirroring your personality and preferences for a period typically lasting for 5 or 6 months. During this honeymoon period, you likely will experience the most passionate and exciting relationship of your life. The sex will be great. And you will feel like you have met your "soul mate." Due to the mirroring, this experience will be the closest you will ever come to making love to yourself.

Your exGF does not do the mirroring to deceive or manipulate you. Instead, she is trying to act appropriately around you because, like all of us, she wants to be loved. Moreover, because she feels bad about herself, becoming infatuated with you or another person for a few months provides a distraction that gives her relief from the pain. Of course, because it is infatuation, part of what she is in love with is the "real you" and part is a projection of you being the one who is going to save her and make her happy. That projection will evaporate in a few months and she will start to realize you cannot fix her.

I mention all this to highlight the fact that you are only four months into the honeymoon period at this point and, thus, you have seen her only at her best, when she is infatuated with you. You have not yet seen the abusive treatment that lies ahead. You may have seen some but not the worst of it. It likely will get much worse. What you experienced a month ago is called preemptive abandonment, which occurred because you exGF was so fearful of abandonment that she abandoned you so as to go ahead and get it over with.

I therefore would not consider returning to such a relationship unless there is strong evidence she will fight to overcome this disorder. That requires that she (a) is sufficiently self aware to already know she has strong BPD traits, (b) has been working hard with a good therapist to overcome it, and (c) is committed to working hard for many years in therapy.

BPD is extremely hard to overcome because the disorder makes people feel so bad about themselves that they are terrified of admitting that they have such a problem. Moreover, it distorts their perceptions of their relationships, making it hard to know when their behavior is at fault. Further, it destroys their ability to trust, making it difficult for them to believe what a therapist (or you) is saying to guide them.

My guess is that not more than 1 in 100 BPD sufferers ever achieve (a) above because it is too painful to be self aware enough to acknowledge having BPD. All the BPD sufferers on this forum are in that elite group which has achieved self awareness and most of them seem to be well along in their therapy to overcome it.

Should I lay low or should I just be a bulldoser?

If you are determined to return to the relationship, you need to learn how to establish strong personal boundaries to protect yourself. The fact that you are wanting to return indicates that, like me, you likely have a problem of enmeshment, i.e., you are inclined to perceive other peoples' suffering as your own and perceive their welfare as your own.

The problem is not that we want to help others but, rather, we are willing to do so even when it is to our great detriment. Stated differently, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for what we already are). If your personality is like this, it is important you learn about it. The danger is that, even if you don't return to your exGF, you will seek out another unstable woman just like her. If you are a caretaker type like I am, you will be drawn to women that desperately need you.

hj jhj hjjj

DowntownDC thanks for your thoughts and insights after being in a long-term relationship with a borderline.

Hi there.

I have bpd.

You can't overcome it, but you can improve. But it's always there.

If gf is extremely interested in getting help (DBT is the greatest imo!!!), then she can, but she has to be extremely motivated and interested in getting help and she has to realize that her disorder is the problem. It isn't about what YOU do, it's about HER. YOU aren't the bad guy. Her illness is. And only SHE can learn how to control much of her disorder. She will still probably have some slip-ups while under stress, but bpd can become very tolerable for the person and for her loved ones. I can testify first hand to that.

Maybe I'm not as bad a borderline. I've had long term relationships. My first marriage lasted seventeen years. I'm into fourteen of my second, a very happy marriage. I get along with my grown kids and have had some long term friendships with some VERY understanding and loving friends . But I can look back and go "Wow. I was NOT a bed of roses" lol. And I lost a lot of people I loved due to this diosrder. It was misdiagnosed as bipolar. If I had known what it was, I would have gotten a better handle on it at an earlier age. Your gf can do that...BUT it's up to her.

IMO it is useless to attempt a relationship with a borderline who is in "it's all your fault" mode and who either uses drugs or drinks and then abuses you...and is not attempting REALLY HARD to be helped.

As a borderline, I warn you that if you get involved with a borderline in denial nothing good can come of it. And the sicker they are, the worse it is. It's like trying to swim upstream without arms. You can't do it.

Hey, good luck

AGCDEFG wrote:
As a borderline, I warn you that if you get involved with a borderline in denial nothing good can come of it. And the sicker they are, the worse it is. It's like trying to swim upstream without arms. You can't do it.

Hey, good luck

Well, don't let a cute face fool you...lol. I was really pretty for a LONG time (still look good for my age) and many a man was sorry that he got sucked into my sickness...lol. I couldn't be alone. After my divorce, I would go from man to man because I was terrified of being alone and I lied and played games a lot. I wouldn't wish that person on anyone. I didn't like her. Fear drove me. I have vowed I will never be that person again. EVER. I hurt a lot of nice men because of my own insecurity. I would say I cared for them when I didn't just to have a back up to the guy I liked at the moment. It was quite dysfunctional. I look back and can't believe I did that, but bpd will terrify the person into doing things they know is wrong and don't want to do.

I have learned that being alone is ok, but I didnt' really know that at the time...

Take care and find somebody who can give you what you need.

I started reading this today, and wondered if you were at all an ex-boyfriend writing about me. Boy the things I'm sure I put my ex through. Although I tried to educate him on what it was like to have BPD he couldn't grasp the whole picture. The mood swings were terrible. The voices in my head got louder with distorted thoughts. I got to where it took every ounce of energy to cope in the relationship. It was especially bad around the holidays, because quite a few things had happened in my lifetime that revolved around the Holidays, thus now, not making them an easy thing to deal with. I would always pick a fight, or break up with my ex around the holidays. I always build up this big fascination in my mind what they will be like with someone I "love" or think I "love". Only to be let down in my mind, that things didn't go like they should have went. I feel he had a little part to do in the break up and the BPD surfacing again though. I guess I should say I always know it is there, just certain people trigger things, at no fault to them. He became very possessive and controlling, so there were other things going on then just my "mental Issues" as he now puts it to people he associates with.

In the beginning I thought he was strong enough to wait for a while to see if my condition improved. Thought he "loved" me enough to wait around for a few days. But I was wrong, he went out after just a few days, and slept with someone else. This was after he professed how much he loved me, he just couldn't do this anymore. When the fact of the matter was that we had only been separated for a few days. Then of course my mind went into overdrive. I finally ended it, because the whole darn thing got me a few trips to the therapists office and I had been therapy free for several years. I had to get rid of the trigger to be healed. I know now that I have lived with this disease for a very long time. I guess I'm just becoming more aware of what I have to do to keep it under control.

Hope I didn't ramble on too much, I lost myself in thought.