Help deciding if my boyfriend (the father of my kid) has BPD

I have read a lot about BPD, because after googling disorders associated with rage it kept coming up. All of the symptoms seem to fit him, but it's hard to say if fear of losing a loved one fits, because he's very up and down when it comes to that. If there is a guy on here who doesn't mind sharing stories with me about the things they've done and felt that were obvious BPD signs, that would be awesome. I say a guy, because if I can find someone who acts the way my boyfriend acts, I would really like to tell him I found someone he can relate to. I think it may help him to be a more well adjusted person, and it is REALLY hard to stay with him as he is now. I've been with him for 2 1/2 years and we have a 16 month old daughter, so I'm trying to make it work, and I really love him when he's not being awful towards me. He's been to psychiatrists all his life and not ONE of them has been able to help him. He says he's never taken a medication that worked, they just make him feel different things, all bad. There are moments when he has "clarity" and says he wants so badly to change, but he can't. There is rarely a day that he is pleasant to be around. Lots more, I'd really like to talk to someone diagnosed to see if they think I'm right about his disorder. None of those stupid psychiatrists have really gien him a diagnosis except to say he had "anger" issues. *sigh* Obviously. Please give me info! Thanks for reading. - Danielle

None of those stupid psychiatrists have really gien him a diagnosis except to say he had "anger" issues.

Danielle, if your BF has a clinically diagnosed level of BPD, don't hold your breath waiting for a psychiatrist to tell you about it. I took my ex to six different therapists over 15 years (spending over $200,000) and never once heard the term BPD. One reason is that BPDs are great actors and can snow the less experienced therapists. Another is that, because insurance companies rarely will cover BPD, the therapists use another term -- PTSD seems to be the popular proxy term for this decade. A third reason is that, if the BPD sufferer is high functioning as your BF appears to be, telling him that he has BPD is the kiss of death for therapy. He will leave therapy. Whether he is able to make any real progress in therapy without knowing he has BPD seems to be a contentious issue.

Moreover, if you tell him he has it -- and find someone on this forum with whom he can relate -- he almost certainly will project it back onto you and will sincerely believe that you suffer from it. Typically, the BPD sufferers with the greatest chance of recognizing that they have it are the low functioning sufferers who are in such great pain that they have to recognize it or die. In contrast, the self-aware BPDs on this forum seem to be to generally be high functioning. How they were able to break through to self awareness is a total and complete mystery to me. I am simply amazed by their accomplishments. Moreover, they are intelligent and very articulate. So you've come to the right place to learn about BPD from those who have to deal with it 24/7.

A few points from a bpd, however a female (still bpd is bpd ).

First off does he substance abuse or drink a lot? That will make anything wrong with him even worse.

Secondly, yes, many times it's hard to get the diagnosis.

Thirdly, I don't know if he has it. I do know that he won't get better if he doesn't work very hard to try, no matter what is wrong with him. It requires a lot of hard work and frequent self-checks.

I hope he decides to invest in serious therapy. Cognitive therapy and Dialectal Therapy are awesome and very good skills to learn. They can help one forever.

AHH, thank you AGCDEFG. You're my new best friend. You keep posting really helpful things on my topics. I posted back on the other comment you made on my 2nd topic. He does drink, but was drinking a LOT daily, and not that the doc prescribed him meds he's only drinking a beer or 2 a day. "I hope he decides to invest in serious therapy. Cognitive therapy and Dialectal Therapy are awesome and very good skills to learn. They can help one forever." This is gold to me. I just started college, and I'm getting a behavioral science degree to start off with. I plan to be either a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and so far I've learned that the types of therapy are really what it boils down to. I was thinking psychiatry, but the more I talk to people with really difficult disorders, the more I'm leaning torward a doctorate in psychology. The fact that you stated specific types of therapy could really help me find GOOD help for M. Thanks so much for that post, and please send me messages if you want to talk! - Danielle

Hey, no problem. Borderlines (if he is one) have emotional dysregulation disorder, a MUCH better description. We have to learn how to stop reacting and start thinking logically and between the black and white lines, to the gray. However, in my opinion, it is best if a borderline or anyone who is mentally different doesn't indulge in any substances AT ALL. We just can't handle it and they affect us poorly. The rate of substance abuse is high as many try to self-medicate. I never did that, which may have helped me a lot...lol. At least I was only fighting one demon, not alcoholism or drug abuse.

Kudos to you for investing in difficult patients and wanting to become a clinical psychologist. I think DBT is going to become huge. I'm trying to get in to see a DBT therapist (done cognitive) and there is a waiting list! There is a great need for DBT. Although borderline patients can probably be no fun at all, the ones who want DBT are the ones who really do want to have functional relationships and be good people. Not that I feel we are BAD people. When the rage takes over, we can do bad things and, only speaking for myself, I would have terrible remorse. I decided I wanted to jump off the rollercoaster and do anything I had to in order to have a peaceful life. Peace rocks!!!!

I'm older than your bf. There is hope for him ONLY if he is willing to try very hard. It's quite rewarding when you handle a confrontation with calmness rather than overreaction. I always feel like a little kid when I know I've bucked the urge to act "borderline" and have used my learned skills to come to a peaceful conclusion. This is a disorder you fight forever, but the rewards of overoming the obstacles are a challenge to me. It may help that my spiritual beliefs are that we choose to come to earth in order to learn, and that this is the path I chose for myself and I am here to improve myself in this carnation. In other words, I feel I am doing what I'm supposed to do; that I decided to really challenge myself int his particular life (I believe in reincarnation). Anyhooooo, won't bore ya anymore (borderlines are boringly long-winded sometimes).

I wish you all the best and will keep *trying* to help the best I know how. Have a great weekend

What is a DBT Therapist? If that's what people keep telling me works, that's what I'll learn to do. I took the advice of another person on here last night and tried to make M feel like I was going to help him and stick beside him no matter what. He was trashed when I got home from night school talking about how the meds dont work and he quickly became angry and name calling when I tried to explain (calmly) that alcohol doesnt help anything, and that you have to give the meds more than a week and quit drinking every day (even if it IS only a couple beers.) He said I don't listen to him, even though I had listened to every word he had said about how he felt, and was simply trying to give him my point of view. He's very childish about these things. So he went to bed furious, telling me I was a fat **** and to leave him and whatever guy Im screwing go to him. I've learned to shrug these comments off, so I just sweetly told him goodnight. I left him a note to read on the computer before he went to work that said I would go to the ends of the Earth to find the right therapy for him, or I would learn it myself, and that when he was ready to fight his battle I would give him the tools he needed to do so, and that I would NEVER EVER give up on him. The morning after he went to bed furious he usually goes to work without looking at me, and he ignores me the whole day, but this morning he came BACK TO BED and cuddled with me like I was his angel. So, keep on with the advice, guys ; ) You're all really helpful, especially AGCDEFG and ... that other girl. I forgot her screen name. : ) She posted on my other Topic.

Hey, sweetie. Look up Marsha M. Linehan. She has a book out you may want to buy as well. She invented Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.

Now your boyfriend's reaction...hmmmmmmmmm. Im trying to think back (btw, he does sound borderline to me, but I don't have any credentials to diagnose...) I digress: the alcohol hurt him. Is he like this when he's sober? He was being bpd unreasonable and I've done it myself. However, looking back I'm trying to think if I'd have responded to anyone telling me they'd stay forever or not. It is possible I wouldn't believe it so it would have just made me cry and get angrier and say stuff like, "You say that, but you don't mean it. Everyone leaves" blah, blah, blah.

I truly don't think there is anything you can do when a borderline is acting borderline. Probably the best thing to do, if it's something you want to put up with, is just listen to him rant and act sympathetic. However, I am wondering why a nice person likes you is in love with such a sick young man. Is he really attractive to you? Do you have a thing about saving people and fixing them? If so, I highly recommend reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. In spite of my being borderline, I also had an extremely caring, loving side that drew all sorts of dysfunctional people to me and I had to learn not to be codependent too. I felt I had to put up with anything and felt sorry for everyone. I stayed with an abusive hub for seventeen years. He didn't hit me. He did devalue me constantly. I thought I deserved it and that because he had had some early and severe health issues I had no right to ever be angry at him. Twisted, I know.

I still have trouble wanting to fix people and rescue animal. I still love to rescue and help animals, but I'm different about people these days. I'm happy to try to help people that I can realistically help, and I'll lend an ear to a friend, but I back off when I realize it's bad for me. I realize that the only person who can change somebody else is that particular person. All your wonderful, altruistic loving can't make him well. One last thing: I am on meds that have REALLY helped, but it took a long time to get the right combination. Also, you have to give meds up to eight weeks to kick in, depending on what he is taking. Finally, if he drinks, that will take away from the effectiveness of the medication.

Read up on DBT. It's very interesting and so helpful to those of us who think with our emotions. So many times, we are then illogical because one can't think WELL with our emotions. You have a great weekend and take care. Are you in the US? If so, I may be able to look online and find you DBT in your state.

Honestly, when he's been sober for a while, he still acts the same exact way. Depending on his mood at that moment, he acts either very childish, or like he's trying to be an adult about things. The slightest thing that is "off" will send him into childish fits like that though. He's right, everyone else is wrong. Period. Sometimes alcohol increases his anger, and sometimes he acts like he is very passionate and loving when he drinks. So I guess he's just up and down, and alcohol magnifies whatever his mood is. Most of the time he just wants to be left alone, so his mood also decides if he will tell me to be quiet when I try to talk to him, or just listen and nod politely, but not say much. This is one side of M, though, and it seems like there are MANY unpredictable sides to him. With friends, he is the entertainer. Very funny, but still hostile. People tend to be drawn to people who are mean or angry, if they are angry in an entertaining way. And he is. People think he's joking when he says the things he says, but he's not. When I say I'm leaving he begs me to stay, but then tells me to go and that he won't miss me if I keep standing my ground. It's like he's afraid of being alone, but at the same time he doesn't want to be caught begging. Once when the cops had someone come get him so he wouldn't have to go to jail, he went from being abusive and "I want you to move out, I do NOT care about you" to "Baby, PLEASE... you know this isn't what I want. Please, please let me come home and make it up to you. I need you and I want you and our family together." It's hard to know what to believe when he sincerely hates me one minute, and sincerely loves me the next. I told him I had joined this site and that I wanted him to get on it so that he could talk to other people who felt like he did, and he would have support. He didn't say anything, which is actually a good sign, because if he were opposed to the idea he definitely would have given me his 2 cents on that ; ) Yes, I am in the U.S. and I will most definitely check out that book you recommended when I get some time. I'm racing the clock trying to get my semester finished and we're moving to another house, as well. Plus, our daughter is hitting the Terrible 2's already and M's mother has been too sick to babysit, so I've had to bring her to work with me for 2 weeks! *Sigh* I need a clone ; ) I also agree that I think with my emotions, and I am very co-dependant. I don't know if I already talked about my Agoraphobia issues, but that's a big part of me staying with him. Mainly it's our daughter though. I want her father to be a part of her life, and I do love the man he is when he's not in a "bad" mood. He makes me laugh, and it's crazy, but I feel safe with him. Kind of one of those "I can hurt you, but nobody else better EVER hurt you" kind of things. He loves our daughter so much... I think if we left him he would go downhill pretty fast. We all got PIG FLU recently and when the baby got it he called his mother (who he hates) and said "she has to be ok. She HAS to." Like if he lost her, he wouldn't be able to handle it. It's complicated!

Sounds like you're trying to save him from himself and you can't. Tell yourself this one hundred times, a million times: "I can't save him." Something will stress him out, if you DON'T leave, and he'll still probably make a grand suicidal gesture, maybe in front of your kid. He sounds very, VERY unstable right now. Extremely borderline and maybe more. You have a child. You don't need two, one potentially dangerous.

Hon, I think it's only a matter of time before he abuses you physically and, if not, that he abuses you so bad emotionally that you can't get over it. Is there some reason why you stay? IMO your daughter is better off away from this influence. Does she see him acting so unstable? And the police???? Think about it. You can't change him. He is wired to be this way and has no intention of trying to get better. Heck, he may even have some antisocial personality disorder in there. At any rate, he is way too damaged by his disorder(s), whatever they are, to be a partner to anyone nor a father.

I'm really sorry, but I know bpd first hand. And if he has any sort of personality disorder, it is chronic and debilitating and takes a lot of work to correct. And he doesn't seem motivated. Get out while you can. Can you go live with your parents for a while? (((Hugs)))

Thanks a bunch, ABG, I'm really leaning toward leaving asap after last night. And abuse has been a part of this all along, but I thought after he went to the doc he would really try. He was taking the meds for 2 weeks and 2 days ago he went off them for some stupid reason. They were actually calming him down a lot, and he seemed to be making some progress. He started putting me down and even pushed me off the couch with his feet because I was asking him why he felt like he needed to talk trash to me and hurt me mentally on purpose. I didn't even know he had stopped taking them until he got that way last night and told me he had. It just made me furious that I have tried so hard to help him because he begged for my help, and then he basically p*ssed in my face after I have been SO good to him for almost 3 years through all his abuse. I guess I didn't realize that this whole time I've been holding in MY anger towards him, beause I had to go into the bathroom and kick and punch and throw things just screaming to get it out of me so I didn't hurt him. That's the difference between me and him though.. I could NEVER hurt someone I loved, even when they make me so mad I can't stand it. He never acted physically abusive around our daughter, until recently, and then it's not really bad, but I'm just done with this now. After feeling so much hate for him last night, because of the things he said to me, what he did in front of our daughter, and realizing what he has done to my sanity, I just don't feel anything for him any more. I have so much on plate already, that I will NOT let him drag me down when I have tried with all my remaining energy to help him and he won't do what he needs to for us. I'm more afraid now that he WILL be nice to me, because I don't want him to change my mind again, or hurt HIM. When someone puts you down so much and you hold it in so long, you just want to put your fist through their stomach and spit in their face. I'm not this angry, awful person he's made me into. I don't even recognize me anymore, and that is rediculous. I never wanted to hate the man who impregnated me and held my hand during labor, but he really really wants me to hate him. *sigh* Ok, I feel better now that I ranted. Don't worry though, guys, I'm not one of those people who can't handle these kinds of things, it will just take me a little bit to shake it off. : ) Life is a great thing, it just has it's bad moments so you can recognize and appreciate the good ones.