New and Confussed about my BPD relating to sex

Hey everybody! (I have dyslexica so sorry if my spelling and grammer isnt brilliant)

I should proberbly start with who I am and how I came to post on this site...

Im 17 and I live in england. I havnt been dignoised with BPD yet because of my age but Iv been treated for it since I was 13 and Im waiting for a dignoises. I have been in a psyceatric unit twice and I was also sectioned, during that time I became friendly with a girl that was admitted there for anorexia and depression, 2 mounths after I met her she killed herself. I was deffently in love with her and it broke my hart. Also I was sexual abused by my best friends dad when I was 13, I was bullyd for it which ment I had to leave school. I never realised that it effected me and I still feel it has'nt.

My problem is that I have made the disicion to not be in a relationship. I have had a boyfriend in which I was sexualy active with, I also have been sexualy active with girls too but for a year now I havnt been intrested in sex or being in a relationship. My friends and family keep asking me "have you got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet" and I always answer no... Im starting to get the feeling that they think Im wird and unattractive to other people which makes me feel embrassed and sad . My friends are very sexual people and alot of their conversations are about sex. Im starting to think that I am wird and a bit of a loner... I dont wont to be alone all my life but I dont wont a sexual relationship...

My questions are

Why do I not wont to be in a relationship is it partly to do with my BPD and how do I fix it?
What do I say to my friends and family when they ask me if I am in a relationship?
Is there anybody else with the same problem or is it just me being wird?

Carnt wait for your reply! and thanks!

xxx Jennie xxx

Hi,

Thank you for coming here to talk about this. Firstly, I can assure you that there are many people who have little interest in sex and relationships. I am 26 now and have no interest in sex (However, I WOULD like a relationship). The great thing about humans is that we are not all the same, and this includes sex/relationships. There are some who cannotlive without having a partner, while there are others who prefer to be single and alone. Then again, there are others who just want to have sex without having a relationship.

So, don't feel that you are in any way weird for what you want. In fact, I implore you to be proud of yourself and your wants, and never to feel alienated. You can still be friendly with these other people. I mean, just becauwse you have different likes/dislikes, it doesn't mean that you cannot be friends.


Why did you go into the psychiatric unit? I was in one once many years ago...

Kevin

Hello, Jennie, welcome to the BPD forum. I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through such pain and turmoil at such a young age. I don't know if you actually have BPD but you've come to the right place to ask questions about it because there are a number of articulate, self-aware folks here who suffer from BPD. At the moment, however, only Kevin (i.e., Chucky) and I are logged onto the forum. I am pleased that he has already responded to you because I am a nonBPD, which doesn't mean I have no issues to work on but, rather, that they are different from BPD (e.g., codependence).

I nonetheless will share a few thoughts with you. First, nearly every adult you speak to will praise your decision to take a break from being sexually active. You have so much turmoil to deal with that it is a wise decision on your part to delay the added emotional turmoil associated with sexual encounters.

Second, your decision to "not be in a relationship" really goes well beyond your decision to refrain from being sexually active. Because you can have close relationships that are non-sexual, it sounds like you may be wanting to avoid any new emotional ties, which carry with them the risk of intimacy and abandonment -- the two things that BPD sufferers find most painful. On the other hand, it may have nothing to do with BPD because, at your young age, people frequently shy away from close relationships due to their immaturity. The immaturity, together with all the hormones released at your age, is why many therapists are reluctant to diagnose BPD until people are 18 or 20.

Third, you should know that, although it is common for people your age to be sexually active, they talk about it far more than they actually do it. And many of their alleged sexual conquests are fabricated. Moreover, nearly everyone your age feels weird and unattractive at times. Some just do a better job covering it up than others do. So, like Kevin says, be proud of yourself and your wants.

Fourth, if your friends ask why you are not in a relationship, tell them you recently were in a relationship and don't want to be tied down to one guy again so soon. Say you are taking time to ground yourself and determine what it really is that you want out of life. That should hold your friends at bay. After all, the fact that they are expressing such interest in your non-relationship status really only reveals their feelings of insecurity. So it should take no great effort to hold them at bay. With your therapist, however, tell everything. Tell him, for example, that you are struggling to figure out your sexual identity. And tell him about any concerns you have with dealing with emotional intimacy and fears of abandonment.

Wow, thanks you two! I did'nt think that anybody would reply!

I see what your saying, I should be proud not to be in a relationship, not ashamed? And you are right, the past couple of years have been a rolercoaster ride blind folded! Hopfully Irl overcome this (fingers crossed). I wish one day I could look back over this and see it as a blip in my life and nothing more. I can asure you Irl be working hard towords it.

To answer your question... I was sectioned because I tryed to kill myself while in a average psycatric hospital and came very close. they wonted to move me to a secure intensive care unit but they couldnt do that unless I was sectioned. Proberbly the worst moment of my life, at least grieaving for love ones is acceptable and normall...

At the moment Im going threw more problems. My nan, who Im very close to (she taught me my 2 times tables) is in the last stages of demntia. My mum and I (when I have time off school) are her full time carers and for a week we put her into a home so we could have a break. My nan came back from the home with a broken leg, she also has a nasty cough, her hole leg is bruised and bloody and she is compleltly non responsive to anything around her anymore. This happend in only a week! We
was never told by the nursing home that anything had happend to her, not a nock or anything, they compleltly denied everything! But how could nothing of happend!? The morning after she came home I tryed to get her out of bed but she was screaming in pain. My mum called the doctor, he came round, checked her over and said that nothing was wrong! When clearly she was in pain! Nothing happend for a week after apart from my nan stopped eating and drinking which made her even more spaced out untill We rang the doctor again and she was finaly taken to hospital... shes laying there now on a dose or Morphine... I feel like she has been let down so much. She has been in so much pain, for a few days it was like she gave up on life... I realy hope that she die's peaicfully in her sleep soon, so she doesnt have to go threw somthing like this again and it will only get worst... She has no quality of life... I carnt stand seeing her like it anymore

Hi again,

When we get old, our skin can bruise very easily, even with the slightest of knocks *like hitting the leg against the side of the bed, for example). My grandmother was the same when she was ill in hospital but, look, Jennie, these things happen. What is happening in your life right now is life itself. Nothing can really stop this, and we must try to cope with it all as best as we can. That is the only thing that we change: How we look/cope with these things. Your grandmother will be fine, but i'm sure that she's worrying about you too.

Try to look at how worried you are for her; and then realise that that is how worried she is for you too. So, just as you'd like her to be better, she'd very much like to see you better to. You can give her tht - i.e. you can let her see that you are doing fine in life. You must generate some determination and composure though, but I know that you can do it. Take all of these problems in your stride and just get on with things. I know that you have it in you to do it, so please try. Your mother and grandmother might not have the mental strength anymore to change, but you do. In a certain sense, they might gradually be beginning to look up to you.

Kevin

Kevin, I've read many of your posts and am always favorably impressed -- but the one above is special. There are several poignant thoughts, all packed into two short paragraphs. Because your posts generally contain such insights, I've just assumed for several months that you are in your 60's, if not older. So I was greatly surprised to learn, in your post above, that you are only 26. I don't know how that can be. Yes, I understand you are working on a PhD in psych. But that is just book knowledge. What comes across in your comments is a wisdom that only comes -- well, that usually only comes -- with maturity and experience because book learning and raw intelligence are woefully insufficient.

In trying to resolve this puzzle, the best I can come up with is that at some point in your life -- after your mental acuity had nearly fully developed -- your life was so painful that you must have gone to hell and back, approaching right to the edge where one either dies or -- if one is strong enough -- gets a priviledged view of humanity that is withheld from all others. Absent such an experience, you cannot be 26. No way. Perhaps you are 62 and, due to failed eyesight in your old age, you mistakenly reversed the numbers.

Jennie, I'm sorry to hear that you are losing your nan in such a painful way, with her slipping away in stages and in pain. In response to your question, I was not saying that you "should be proud not to be in a relationship" but, rather, that you should be proud of yourself. That means that you would stay true to your own goals and aspirations, as Kevin states above. Yet, because you likely intended for your statement to mean exactly that, I probably am only talking about semantics here. I think it makes perfect sense for you to slow things down in relationships (whether sexual or not) while you have so much turmoil to deal with.