Is this BPD?

The reason i've come on this board is not because i believe with all my heart that i have this disorder, but because people here do, and i'd like some of your opinions. I've been reading about BPD lately, and some of the symptoms sound similar to what i'm experiencing. I really, really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 16 years old and i grew up with a pretty good family life. I'm a very cynical person, almost paranoid, because i've been in a lot of relationships throughout my life in which people have taken advantage of me. Because of these experiences, i'm very distrustful and can be very manipulative towards people i don't care about or who i believe has wronged me. I've never had many people in my life that i've really cared about, but those who i do care about, i think about all the time, and i'm extremely afraid that they will leave me. The mere thought of certain people just drifting away from me makes me sick to my stomach. I'm very understanding and caring towards the people i care about. I do all i can to make them happy, putting them before myself. Still keeping my basic principles and morals, i almost take on their character so that i can relate to them better. but when they can't give me what little i ask of them, i get very angry, very fast. I'm usually good at hiding my emotions and controlling them, but when i feel crossed, i shut down and become very bitter, especially lately. My mother has always taught me how important it is for people to reciprocate when you do something nice for them, and i've learned to get angry when people don't do the things exactly the way i would do them. I know this isn't a good way to think, but i feel incredibly betrayed when little things like this happen.

I get angry at myself, because i know how stupid a lot of things that set me off are. I have a good life, and shouldn't be sweating the small stuff. My therapist tells me i can either get over it and help myself get through it, or be miserable, and logically, i couldn't agree with her more, yet i can't stop myself from getting in those bad moods, from crying, and from getting sick from all the stress. It's gotten so bad that every morning i wake up with terrible stomach cramps now from all the stress. Even if i had a good day, once my mind wanders while i'm sleeping, i wake up feeling sick to my stomach. I can't for the life of me figure out if this is all just hormones or if it's something more, something that will get worse.

I've felt so powerless and so out of control for the past few months that i started cutting my arms. I hated doing it, because i knew it was dumb, but i felt like there was no other option. I told my therapist, who told my mom, and my mom said as long as i stopped doing it she wouldn't tell anyone else, which i have, but i still get the urge to do it when i get upset, and i really don't want this to continue and get worse.

I have a friend who's mother has BPD, and she's absolutely manic and overboard, so i feel bad even thinking about whether or not i have this. I know how severe this is for some people, and i feel so guilty because i know everything i'm experiencing seems so menial in comparison. To be honest, i've even told my therapist that i'm constantly searching for something to be wrong with me, but it's only because i want to explain what i'm experiencing. My father is on medication for depression, as is my closest friend, and i've seen how medication can really be tough, and i do not want it unless it's absolutely neccessary. I've always been afraid of medication, sickness, i don't want to be crazy, but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and i know if something doesn't click and i don't change now, this is never going to stop, and things will only get worse. I feel bad mentioning these kind's of things to my therapist, because i feel because i've already done it once or twice before, it'll make me seem like i'm looking for a problem, but does anyone here think it's worth mentioning?

Hi, newyorkk! If you think you might have something like this, it's definitely worth mentioning to your psych. It's possible to have some traits and not the disorder too, I think. Also, if you're feeling pretty bad, there's nothing wrong with taking some meds to help you feel better. You can just try to find the right ones for you and see what happens.

Thanks for replying. It's just such a weird decision for me, telling my psychologist something like this. I've already in the past gotten screened for OCD, which turned out to be non-exsistant, so i feel bad mentioning something like this to her unless i'm almost sure of it. From what i've heard about the disorder, i definitely can relate with many characteristics of it (fear of abandonment, mood instability, urge to self-injury, etc.), but again, i know of some people who have very bad cases of it, and in comparison, everything i'm saying seems menial. I just don't really know what to do.

Mention it to her and tell her it's important to you to know what's going on. No one's problems are menial.

Hello, Newyorkk, welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Your level of self awareness and articulate description of your problems are very unusual in someone only 16 years of age. Indeed, at any age, that level of self awareness is especially remarkably if you actually suffer from BPD -- a disorder that robs a person of a stable sense of self, making it a frightening and painful experience to acknowledge to oneself that a ny disorder is present.

Granted, such insightful BPD sufferers are commonplace on this site. But they are rare individuals who have the courage, fortitude and intelligence to cross the pain/fear threshold into self awareness. I haven't seen any statistics on this but I would be surprised if more than one BPD sufferer in a hundred has achieved what those on this forum have already accomplished.

I agree wholeheartedly with the advice Jasmin has given you. Your desperate attempts to reduce your pain (e.g., the cutting) indicate that your problems are far beyond "menial." Based on my experiences in therapy, I believe it works best when you put all your cards on the table, telling the therapist about all your feelings and thoughts -- including any thoughts you may have about possibly suffering from BPD. Regardless of whether or not you have BPD, your thoughts about it constitute a concern that she should be aware of. It is her job, after all, to help you make sense of it all.

As Jasmin states, a person can suffer from strong BPD traits even when the severity of such traits does not rise to a level warranting a clinical diagnosis of BPD. Indeed, all adults occassionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, e.g., splitting, magical thinking and mirroring. The distinction between BPs and nonBPs thus is a difference in the frequency and intensity of the occurrence of such traits. Best of luck to you, Newyorkk.