Confused about everything...

New to the forums here, but decided to stop by because the burden i carry has gotten way beyond what i feel im capable of carrying. Its really hard trying to talk to others about things, because i tend to keep things inside and push everyone away that wants in. I try to self-diagnose, because im so sure of my inability to tell others how i feel. Luckily i dont really have the pressure here (online) to express myself than i do in person. It makes it easier for me to just write out my thoughts and express myself, so ill do it here.

Ok so heres my story. Growing up, i was always keeping to myself rather than letting others know how i really felt. I had a voice disorder (actually a webbing of my vocal cords that had literally went by unnoticed for 18 years) for most of my 19 years of living, that made being 'normal' a very difficult task. I was consistantly made fun of, picked on by kids, adults, and sometimes even my teachers, for the way that i sounded (high pitched/faint/hard to hear me in any place that wasnt quiet). The funny thing was, i have always heard myself differently than how other people heard me. When i talked, the voice that i heard was like a normal kid, but it was tormenting, almost to the point of where id want to cry when id hear my own voice through a video or a recording. It was terrible to say the least. Not to mention everywhere id go on a daily basis, people would ask me if i was sick or what was wrong with my voice or something along those lines. All i could ever tell people was 'that was the way i was born'. I knew something was wrong with me, but my family always told me that i was just normal like everyone else. All the time, that was what i had been told when i came to them from elementary school crying, day in and day out. Ive been so lonely becuase of the way that i was. The 'normals' dont understand what its like to have to go above and beyond with everything, just to prove that you belong, that youre equal.The "normal" people dont know what its like talking to women and having them smirk at you or laugh at you the moment you open your mouth. I asked many women out and whatnot just to be turned down with the usual "you're really sweet, but...." Ive felt like ive never had the opportunity to make friends, they just sorta came to me. The first day of school every year was the worst of all school days. There would always be some sort of 'introductory' thing where we would have to stand up in front of the class and say something about ourself ( whats your name/where you live/interests/etc), and i would just get so paralyzed with fear, that id have to force myself not to cry. Eventually when i was 18, i decided to work up the courage to go and see an ENT, and get to the bottom of things. Luckily i found out that there was something (ENT thought it was folding, but i found out that i actually had a web when i went to go see a speech pathologist). Another irony, i found out that one of these things that had been haunting me for most of my life, was cured with literally 10 minutes of speech therapy. I searched online like some sort of nutcase thinkin that there was something terribly wrong with me, i found a few therapy techniques, and on the way home from college one day, i tried them out and whattya know, i was fixed. Sadly, all the years of bottled up emotions and anxiety still remained.

Ok, so a small portion of my 'problems' came with the voice disorder. Now heres where it gets tricky, even for me. My family to me was my brother. I was the middle child, i have an older brother thats 2 years apart, and a younger sister thats 3 years apart. My brother was the impulsive liar/stealer/cheater narcissist who never quite understood wrong and right. My sister was worshipped by my parents because she was the little princess who never got into any trouble whatsoever. My parents worked most days, and when my mother had post-partem depression with all 3 of her kids. She was stressed beyond belief, and to be honest, i kinda hated her growing up, but i didnt understand. So i pretty much grew up being friends with my brother, hanging around with him almost everyday just because i didnt really have many friends of my own. He always hung around really really troubled kids. Most of them i could imagine going to Juvie before theyd hit junior high. I hung around those people, but i didnt talk to them or do any of the things that they took part in. I just observed. Sadly i ended up getting in trouble for a bunch of rediculous things that i actually had no part in. My brother had this fascinating way of distorting the truth, he had a way with words and lying that just screwed me bigtime, everytime. Any time that he got in trouble, he would find ways to blame me and pull me down with him. Once he had me grab my parents credit card (i was like 9 at the time and had no idea what a credit card was for the life of me) and he told me that he was doing some contest and they just needed the number so they can send the stuff to us. So because i trusted my family (i was really just this angelic kid growing up, sorta believing that i could trust everyone and FAMILY ESPECIALLY), i bought into it, and i ended up getting grounded from everything for an entire year when my brother got caught. Okay, so it may not seem like too big of a deal, but time after time of being duped by my own brother, having to deal with parents that dont trust their own son, and being around people that just showed absolutely no compassion for the things around them, i built this foundation in myself that was based around:

a) Most people are selfish, the good guy always gets screwed in the end, the world is filled with bad, and people thrive off of picking on the weaker less-inclined individuals
b) i can only trust myself
c) theres only good in the world OR theres only evil or bad things.

So i went through most of my life with that pattern of thinking. Ive always been very very emotionally sensitive. Im like a scab thats continually being picked at, and eventually i just start bleeding all over everything. I remember that in every argument ive had with parents, or if any adult or teacher confronted me with doing something wrong, i would literally just break down and cry. I recall a time in 3rd grade, when a teacher of mine told me that i was the brightest kid he had seen in a long long time. I was reading Watership Down going into 3rd grade. But i was disruptive in class, seemed to have no respect for the rules, and i never did my work. When my teacher told me this in front of my mother, i just shut off. I dont think ive been myself since then. In high school, i started to detach myself from being social. I didnt hang out with friends much, i didnt get invited places, i HATED my family, i was constantly irritated, i was angry at the world for having been a good kid struggling in a bad environment. I was a completely different person around family and around friends. When i was around my friends, i could talk and be okay and just have fun, but when i was around my family, i would just feel like id want to die. And to make the matters worse, i was sexually abused by my brother when i was 12 or 13. The sad part of it all was, i didnt do anything to prevent that harm to me, and im not sure why. I feel like i let myself fall into that situation just as i had so many times before. I guess i figured that if i fought back, or if i told someone like my parents, he would find a way to turn it around on me, and make me look like i instigated it. That was the most embarrassing thing i had ever though about, and i constantly thought about it from that day on, wondering if i was gay because i let it happen. I dont know, its like i feel that every bad situation i get involved in is my fault in some way or another. The worst part is, i was always afraid of losing people that mattered to me. Friends were the only thing that have mattered to me, and even i 'hate' them sometimes. But i was worried that if i ever acted out against my brother, that he would somehow turn it against me, and i would end up with nothing. No friends, no family, no dignity, nothing.


Im 19 now, and both the voice problem and the brother are out of my lives, but i feel like im so confused about everything. I cant commit to anything, i bounce from one thing to another, i have a really hard time explaining anything, even in writing i bounce from topic to topic, or ill somehow connect irrelevant things to a topic, i never tell the truth about how i feel, and when i do things come out in full-force. I cry when im confronted, i get really defensive about everything, i push people away that try to get close, i get angry easily, i have a terrible self-esteem, im somewhat paranoid that my friends and family dont care about me. i hate being singled out, i get jealous of people that have fun or laugh too much, im waaaay waaaay too serious about everything, i have a hard time having fun, and i have so much difficulty just enjoying the moment. I cant get out of my own head and its just tearing me apart. I make myself look like a lunatic to my own parents *(in the past 2 weeks ive thought that i might be developing schizophrenia, had DPD, AvPD, BPD, and a whole lot else). Ive only had 1 girlfriend (of which ive lied to about a lot of my feelings, just so she didnt see how pathetic and miserable i really was), i cant hold a conversation with people (no anxiety, just have a lack of things to say), im really tense all the time, im not gay, but neither sex really turns me on (i had a really hard time sexually with my girlfriend, and i dont know why. its frustrating). I have really strange impulsive thoughts and often times i dont realize that something i said or did was 'bad' or 'wrong' until after i do or say that. I have a hard time understanding people, i dont feel like i can relate, and often times i cant even tell people how i really feel about something. When i do, i usually end up crying, or yelling, or getting really angry or irritated because i dont believe that there is anyone that understands. I daydream alot, and almost everynight i have some sort of nightmare where someone close to me dies or gets hurt or whatever. When people i care about dont pick up their phones when i call them, or dont answer my texts within an hour or 2, i assume that something terrible has happened to them (death or hospitalized). I get angry at my friends when they say they want to hang out with me, but dont. I get angry at my friends when they dont include me in the things that they do, because i think that they hate me. I always got scared when i was with my girlfriend that she would end up cheating on me, or that shed leave me. I can never hate her, when we broke up, i know i made her feel really bad. She broke up with me out of the blue one day, and i felt extremely guilty, because i thought it was my fault. Everyday, id be afraid that she wouldnt want to be friends with me anymore, so i tried to tell her how i really felt or what i really meant when i said something that i had said to her in the past that i thought was the reason why she was broke up with me. I guess i thought i could salvage things and keep her from leaving me, but i was constantly contradicting myself and constantly switching sides to the point where i assumed that she didnt know what the hell to believe anymore.

its terrible, because i feel like im at that point now. I dont know who i am. I have absolutely no stability in my life, and i dont feel like i have any control over my emotions. Theres nothing that ive ever held an interest in for a long time, and i usually dont get interested with much anymore. I cant handle my money at all...i can burn through an entire 2 weeks check in less than a day. I eat whenever i get bored, which happens all the time, so im always putting something into my stomach (usually junkfood), but ive got a good metabolism so im still fairly skinny. I have a really bad perception of things, which causes me to make a lot of the mistakes that i do. I figure that when i get involved in a bad situation, that the only way to not be hurt by it is to let it happen to me and keep it from everyone else. I feel like ive keep everything inside for so long, that i cant FEEL anymore. Its terrible, because when i get down, i get WAAAY down. When im alone, i think im a terrible person...that im evil, that im not worth anything, that i should just keep my damn mouth shut and try not to tell people how i feel, because whenever i do open my mouth and let out my feelings, someone ends up getting hurt. I feel like suicide isnt a cowards way out, or isnt a selfish thing, because i dont feel like i belong anywhere. Id rather just observe life and get enjoyment by watching the people i care about do well with theirs. I dont want people to notice me, for bad or for good. But at the same time, i feel that ending my life would be stupid, because theres a part of me thats still strong and still wants to hold on. Its a constant cycle for me, live or die, hate or love, be alone or be a part of something, want to do or not want to do

and its tearing me apart. Ive made a girl i care about more than anything end up hating me, ive made my family think im some clinically depressed kid who wants attention, my sister took advantage of my situation by laughing and going on a long long 'God' talk. As far as im concerned, i want nothing to do with god, or any faith for that matter. I have however, tried to pick up buddhism, but my inability to think in the now and be 'mindful' has left me wondering what im doing. I dont know how to be me, but i dont want to become a new person altogether. I never thought that there was anything wrong with me 'mentally' until recently. I have the hardest time just being myself, and to be honest, i dont know how to be that person. Ive started therapy recently, but i know theres more than what meets the surface. I dont feel depressed. I dont really feel much of anything. I know when im angry, or sad, or happy, but those feelings only show for moments at a time. The rest of the time is just spent in emptiness. I dream of myself in situations and scenarios that work out for me, where im succeeding and happy, but my reality never turns out that way, and no matter what i always end up getting hurt in the end. and most of the time whoever gets involved with me on an emotional level ends up getting hurt as well, and i dont have a clue as to what i need to do to get better. I dont want someone to tell me whats wrong with me, but i need some insight as to the possibilties. My grandpa was a schizophrenic and im just a tad worried that i may be starting to develop the disorder. Im not hearing things yet, but i do feel detached from a lot, and i have developed a really awkward thinking pattern, and i am starting to feel like im losing control of my own mind. But it could just be me thinking that something is terribly wrong with me when there isnt. Any insight would be nice.

Rabbit, welcome to the forum. It offers the best mix of self-aware BPDs (i.e., BPD sufferers) and nonBPDs that I have been able to find. I therefore am confident that you will be able to benefit from the views of both sides. I am a nonBPD who lived with a BPD woman for 15 years and a bipolar foster son for 12 years.

I'm so sure of my inability to tell others how i feel.

Well, you could have fooled me. Saying that you can't speak as well as you write is saying nothing. I cannot recall ever meeting anyone who can speak about his feelings as well as you write about yours. I was blown away by your incisive descriptions of exactly what you felt and where and when you felt that way -- as well as by your detailed explanations of how you got to the point of feeling that way. With your gift for self-analysis and writing -- already evident at the age of 19 -- you are going to have a field day when you are able to discuss it with a trained therapist -- and when you take some psychology courses in college.

We all exhibit BPD traits to some degree, even nonBPDs like me. The issue you appear to be dealing with is whether those traits are sufficiently strong to cause considerable unhappiness and to interfere with your ability to sustain long-term relationships. Determining that at your young age can be difficult because, due to the raging hormones and inexperience, 19-year-old guys generally are unhappy much of the time and most are not ready to sustain a LTR even if they want to. I therefore am hopeful that you will soon find a therapist who can help you resolve those issues. Meanwhile, I also am hopeful that some of the BPDs on this forum will help you understand the implications of all the injuries inflicted on you throughout your childhood. I wish you the very best.

Well ive come a ways since starting therapy, which is nice. Theres just a huge issue with my inability to show some sort of compassion or emotion at all. Im not too worried about any long-term relationships, or much of the issue with the possible mental/personality disorder as much as im concerned about my ability to show care or compassion for things (or lack thereof). Like for instance, with my ex, there were so many instances where i just flat out lied about things and how i felt, because i didnt feel a thing. Its just gotten so hard, i dont understand it. There were times when she was concerned that she was hurting me by some of the things that she was doing, and i wasnt even getting phased by it. I tried to comfort her when she cried, or when she was down, or when she got into any sort of trouble, but my way of doing that simply involved making up a feeling (sometimes i even forced myself to cry just because i thought it would be a better thing to do than nothing at all). Its hard because ive seemed to just shut down completely feeling-wise. I dont seem to care about anything, and i havent for a really long time. I dont quite take care of myself (sometimes going a while without doing just basic hygeine-type stuff), i dont take care of other things, I often feel that if a family member or a friend passed or got into any sort of trouble, i wouldnt have much of a reaction at all. Its strange, because i dream of those kinds of situations and how id LIKE to react, but i honestly dont feel that i can draw an emotional response to much of anything, apart from a poor and defenseless animal getting hurt or killed. I want to show compassion, and i want to be able to be there for friends and family and a possible girlfriend on an emotional level, but i dont know how to express any sort of emotion without going overboard with it. If i try to tell people im depressed, ill bawl and cry my brains out and create excuse after excuse as to why im so sad, but in reality im just so depressed because im not actually affected by any of the traumas ive been through on an emotional level (hopefully that came across okay haha). I want to be able to express my emotions, but i dont really feel like they exist, and ive just become really really good at acting like i have them. Ive just become really cold and distant from everything. My way of attaching myself to others is to wear some sort of mask. I create an excuse or a lie to cover up my inability to feel empathy towards things and others. The only emotion i really sense in myself is fear. I get scared easily, i get worried easily. But its only because im really afraid that if i lose someone close to me, that i wont be affected by it on an emotional level.

I dont know, its all just so hard for me. I want to show people that i can be there for them emotionally, that i have some sort of feelings besides fear and worry. Im fragile, and i guess thats why i built a such an enormous wall around myself for protection. But its gotten to the point where i dont need that wall anymore, but its too strong to tear down. Im afraid i wont be able to show empathy or have 'real' and truthful emotions. I want to start caring about my life. I want to care about others. Im on the edge of being kicked out of college, kicked out of the house, and ive screwed up enough plenty at work to get myself fired (luckily i took a break from work before that had a chance to happen). I wish i could have a therapist with me every day of the week, because for me, everyday i walk one step closer towards the edge of a cliff. I wish i could turn around, but i just dont know how and its so difficult. its scary how desensitized ive become.

thanks for the uplifting response though, im working on getting better...i guess i just need a guide of some sort to show me the right way

Rabbit, as I said above, I am a nonBPD and, as such, am well out of my depth in addressing the issues you are raising now. (BPDs, where are you when we need you?) I don't know whether you are suffering from BPD or not. I do know, however, that you are reporting some of the very problems that BPDs have been complaining about on this forum. So, until the BPDs weigh in on this thread and help you out, I will try to address two issues based on what I've read here.

There's just a huge issue with my inability to show some sort of compassion or emotion at all. I've seemed to just shut down completely feeling-wise. I dont seem to care about anything, and i havent for a really long time.

That feeling of emptiness is something that BPDs write about quite frequently here on the forum. MsBlue, a therapist, writes about it in the thread on "Borderline Personality vs. Bipolar Disorder." In describing BPD, MsBlue states "People with profound fear of abandonment, and a feeling of chronic emptiness, have a different struggle in life from those who don't have these problems. Recently one of the most prominent borderline specialists, Dr. Glen Gabbard, emphasized these symptoms as the core of "borderline" experience." Rabbit, you report having both of those core BPD traits. The feeling of emptiness, where emotions are buried deeply to enable you to survive childhood, is reflected in your statement that I quote immediately above. And your fear of abandonment is especially evident in the following statement:

The worst part is, i was always afraid of losing people that mattered to me. Friends were the only thing that have mattered to me, and even i 'hate' them sometimes. But i was worried that if i ever acted out against my brother, that he would somehow turn it against me, and i would end up with nothing. No friends, no family, no dignity, nothing.

Both of these issues -- the emptiness and the fear of abandonment -- are topics you should be discussing with your therapist and, no doubt, that is what you are doing. From what I've read, some therapists are reluctant to render a diagnosis of "BPD" to a BPD sufferer due to the concern that the client's behavior will get worse. The concern, as I understand it, is that a BPD sufferer has so little self image that, when he hears such a diagnosis, he will latch onto BPD as an identity and thus start exhibiting all nine BPD traits -- i.e., more traits than he went into therapy with. However, with you being so self aware that you've started a thread on a BPD forum, I would say that you are well passed that danger, if it ever existed at all.

There were so many instances where i just flat out lied about things and how i felt, because i didnt feel a thing. Its just gotten so hard, i dont understand it. I dont know how to express any sort of emotion without going overboard with it.

In many of the BPDs' posts on this forum, you will read about them having similar experiences of not knowing who they are and therefore not being sure how they should be reacting emotionally in various circumstances. What they must resort to doing, then, is acting. That is, they have to somehow figure out what type of reaction other people are expecting and then deliver a performance targeted to that expectation. Of course, they often have the fear, as you do, of "going overboard with it." I personally find it difficult to read this sort of discussion because I cannot help but imagine how difficult and painful it must be to live day to day with such a heavy burden: being on stage all day, every day.

Well psych says theres a big possiblity that i have complex ptsd and possible ADD mixed in there somewhere, and i assume hes right. Just reading up on it, ive been able to somewhat figure things out, although ive still got a long road ahead of me until im better. Confused still? sure, but at least knowing whats going on with me and my mind is half the battle. Thanks for lots of the insight though DC, it'll definately come in handy in the future =]

TheRabbit wrote:Well psych says theres a big possiblity that i have complex ptsd and possible ADD mixed in there somewhere, and i assume hes right.

As always, DC pretty much covered it. All I'd add here is that if your therapy is being funded by health insurance, psychs will be much more reluctant to diagnose BPD because it's not generally covered by insurance. Or so I've read, but it seem to be a fairly common statement. So it's possible that "complex PTSD" translates as "BPD but if I tell you that then you'll have to pay my bills yourself".