A relationship story. . .

This originally was going to be a response to the thread of someone else, but I thought it deserved its own topic. I thought I'd just write out the most significant relationship experience I've had. It was after my initial insecurities of thinking that no one would ever date me, but before I had matured enough to explore why exactly I did things I did. Also, it was the time I attempted to leave someone before they left me, because I was certain it would end bad, somehow.

The man I still remember to this day as the man I loved most out of the men I've been with didn't really do anything wrong. He was a great guy. He didn't buy me food as much as I wanted him too, which admittedly I was quite childish about 'cause I shouldn't have expected him to spend so much money on such things. Haha... But besides that, and the normal ups and downs with me being ridiculously unstable, he was the most compatible man I've been with. However, as I began to feel a decline in my happiness, I tried to warn him. >.< It got so bad that I remember trying to dump him, saying that I was going to screw up somehow and hurt him. I remember clearly that we ended up on the floor. He wrapped his arms around me and told me that everything was going to be ok, and that we weren't breaking up even if I said we were. ^^ Man, I still look back at everything filled with love... Anywho, I was secure with him, looking for a job around where he lived, and happier than I'd been for awhile, 'though I do remember that I slowly was becoming depressed. Eventually $#%^ hit the fan though and certain events happened that led me to become extremely stressed out and insecure. I was comforted by another person with BPD, and she invited me to live with she and her boyfriend. I'll remember those days as giddy days filled with ridiculously impulsive actions. . . and some of what happened is quite blurry. I do remember one thing very clearly though, and I'll never forget how shocked I was at the time I realized what I was doing.

I was being ridiculously insecure and unhappy, and this woman's boyfriend began doing things to make me feel special. It's weird how the events turned out, really. I remember that every time I would hang out with him and what not, I would slowly pull things from him that I would tell to his girlfriend that would make her feel extremely special and happy-things that he never told her personally, which I thought was odd. I could tell that she was a bit unhappy with how close he and I seemed, even though they were in an open relationship. Eventually we all ended up in bed together, but much to her dismay, I freaked out when she tried to go below the belt. I just. . . am not into women sexually. I didn't end up really doing anything after that, and it wasn't until a different night that I did something that makes me wonder what could have been going on in my head.

I remember that I was hanging out in the bedroom 'cause I was invited to sleep there whenever I wanted, and the girlfriend was going to go over to my boyfriend's to drink with him. (o.O I should actually mention here that she had been slowly trying to get me to warm up to the idea of her sleeping with my boyfriend. . . and as much as I hate to admit it, something ridiculous was going on inside of my head where I actually was slowly trying to convince my boyfriend that it would be alright to do things with others as long as we only truly loved each other. That's not even something I believe in, so I don't know why I pushed it so hard) We actually talked about the excuse she would give him for me not going over there as well. I really can't even believe I would do such a thing, and it certainly horrifies me that I was capable of these actions. At the time, though, it was almost as though in my head nothing seemed to make sense.

I'm not sure if it's a normal occurrence with people with BPD, but somehow the actions that I was taking did not seem to come from anywhere, and also they weren't leading to any consequences in my head. It was as though I wasn't me. . . like nothing was connected in my life... It's really weird, and hard to describe. I just know there is this weird phenomena with me where if I don't see people for a day, they slowly become "memories" more than real people. Don't even ask me how that works... o.o And I think it's a bit better nowadays, but back then... -sigh- I just know that I received a message from my boyfriend telling me to get my butt over there, and I actually apologized to the guy I was about to cheat on him with. It's awful. The thing is. . . after I left that bedroom I can remember that I was extremely relieved. It was like I snapped out of some daze and was overwhelmed with relief that my boyfriend had sent me something at that time. I felt like I had escaped death.

I tried to tell myself that nothing would ever happen again... but I lived with the guy... and I still was in an extreme low. . . I wanted to cut, but was trying not to 'cause my boyfriend asked me not to... so I didn't have my "distraction" and 'though it's not an excuse, it's certainly a factor in why I was such an idiot. I ended up sleeping with the guy. . . partially out of curiosity (since I'd already done things with him that I hated myself for, so why not?) but mostly because at the time... I couldn't say "no" I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want to be kicked out and have nowhere to go. . . I couldn't live with my boyfriend, but I didn't want to move somewhere that wasn't walking distance from him. (haha.. I'm actually crying while I write this.)

In any case. . . there was still a part of me while I lived there that still was clinging to that impulse, to that "new excitement" . . . But I knew I had to get out of there, so I took an opportunity to stay the night at my mother's house... And I remember how awful I felt... I called him up and told him what happened. I tried to word it in a "nicer" way to minimize making myself look as horrible as I felt, but truth be told. . . there was nothing that could save me from that. I told him I didn't want it to ruin our relationship. . . he told me he would talk to me in the morning. . . and basically it was over. He came over and told me in person that it hurt him too much. I took that decision. I remember crying, but nodding my head in agreement. I wanted with all my heart to beg him to stay with me... to cling to him and never let go... but I knew I screwed up... and I knew that I didn't deserve the right to make him stay.

For the next few days it was awful. I was off and on crying, and breaking down badly enough that my roommate called him to tell him to come calm me down. He was in pain. . . but he still drove a half hour or so to come comfort me. I felt like the worst person on Earth. I hated myself for still wanting to keep him around... I was trying to accept the breakup but he was making it hard by comforting me and hugging me. He held my hands at one point in time while talking with me, and I broke down into tears. ( Man... it makes me cry just sharing... and at the same time it helps me remember the feelings I CAN have. More often than not these days I feel kind of... bored with life. Nothing seems exciting. I'm happy with my son.. but... it just seems so... pointless..)

The worst thing that happened in that early state of us breaking up is that he visited one time and the way he acted was as though he wanted to say or do something, but was holding back. The next time he visited after that, he pulled me over to him and kissed me. I shed tears of happiness. Then we ended up in bed... and he kissed me goodbye when he left to go home. The next day he told me that we shouldn't have done that... that it was a mistake.... that he still couldn't trust me and was still too hurt, but he acted on the feelings he still had for me. The first time he told me he loved me was after I had ruined the chance I had with him...

I'm happy for him now though... He's in a relationship with someone... is engaged to be married, and has a child on the way. It hurts to know that someone else was able to make him happy, but I'm glad that he is. I still love him so much, 'though I know I'm still in love with the man I knew. He's changed a bit, I've changed a bit... we're different, though still much the same. I know I am not in love with him, but I definitely will always love him as long as I live. He was the one that got away... even though a lot of people would say we didn't know each other long enough for me to be in love with him (we were together for about 3 months), I definitely was.

Oi... It was definitely the relationship that brought the most experience with it. I grew a lot after I dealt with the heartache. It was after that when I finally applied and received my Supplemental Security Income(SSI) with a lot of help from the man that eventually became the father of my child. I'm a better person now. A more experienced person in many things, and I do believe if I had another shot, I wouldn't mess it up so horribly. I'll always have my faults though, but I really wish that some day I could minimize these behaviors that make it so hard on others...

Hi,

Reading over what you've just written, I can easily see that you constantly tried to assure yourself that the decisions you made in your life were the right ones, but you knew deep down that they weren't. You never did anything 'just for you', and it was always doing what another person wanted you to do. Now, however, I like to think that you've learned/changed and will always stand up for yourself from now on - Am I right? Life's too short to be letting others run your life, Squeekerz, and you're clearly a nice person who just got caught up in the web of some very 'bad' people. Don't let it hapen again. You still have lots to do in life, and it all starts now.

Go out and explore.


Kevin

I'll try and stand up for myself. I'm able to say 'no' now, and it's not so hard. I still seem to unintentionally hurt people though, and it's really hard to figure out why... and how my thinking could be different than how they are. It doesn't make sense sometimes. Also, I think it's times like this one that I do stupid things, because I don't feel that connected to life around me. I don't feel as though the people I know are real, or that I am either. It's strange, and quite frustrating sometimes.

Hi,

What evidence have you that you hurt people? Do you not think that it's more likely that you are just feeling paranoid?; paranoid that you are doing things wrong/bad, etc? I know that paranoia is a major part of my every day and I have to really think twice every time I feel as if I've hurt someone or if someone doesn't like me. A bit of logical thinking can go a long way.

oh, I know I've hurt them, since someone has reminded me of it over and over whenever he's frustrated. ^^;

Frustration is something that can be recovered from easily, so don't regard the things that have happened as being the end of the world, okay? I know that you're trying hard, and I therefore assure you that things will come good some day. People will come and go from your life too, and it's never any use trying to remain in touch. Life moves on, and so must we - with it.