When is it time to abandon the sinking ship?

My husband is being diagnosed with BPD he is in major denial, I don't know whats been going on but for the past 3 weeks he has been on spending binges that has finally come to a head by him buying a motorcycle. My husband has put us in financial trouble horribly in 08' by going out one day and getting a credit card for 3 thousand dollar and buying camping equipment he then abandoned a few weeks later and abandoning our home and causing it to foreclose ,its not that we couldn't pay he just decided one day he didn't want the house anymore and him being the breadwinner, I had no power to stop it. Now we are at this point, I cant force him to return it even attempting to do so makes him grind his feet in even more. He is paying more in finance charges that what he is paying for the actual bike since our credit is so bad. We cannot afford this bike, I am suffering from severe depression because of all that has happened in this marriage. I gave my husband an ultimatum I could not keep out of anger and frustration, I told him I would leave him if he kept the bike. I have tried to leave before, I have no where to go. I have my own issues I am drowning and am finding it harder to differentiate from whats true and whats perceived in his head, whats making it hardest is no one else knows he has this disorder and he plays victim and acts with complete normalcy to everyone else, so I'm the one that looks crazy. I don't think even our counselor realizes how bad this is getting( to be honest though we are only on our 2nd appt). I don't know what to do, I'm trying to find quick training like medical assistant or something to help me get on my feet and become independent so I can leave because the only thing thats keeping me here is the fact that I have no where to go, but I don't think I could remain here for another day, I don't sleep I don't eat its horrible. I just don't know what to do anymore the ship is sinking and I want off, I love and care about my husband very much but I cant just sit and watch him destroy our lives.

This is a question we really can't answer, it depends on you, how much you love him and how much you are commited even in the face of his disorder.

Unfortunately you may have to "move on" because the financial stress and other factors would destroy you quickly.

I say, asap make sure he cannot put you deeper into financial stress, this may mean getting the joint (If applicable) accounts on savings, checking or credit cards undone or separated, legal action may be required. Courts will probably sympathize with you because of his disorder and thus irratic behavior.

It won't be easy, but you have to do whats best for you and at least make it so you don't have to worry so much abou your financial aspect..

If that gets done, you may want to sit back for ahwhile and see if hes willing to work through it and get help.

I agree. It is up to him to try and get some control. If children are involved, working things out seem
even more important.
It sounds like your spouse is having mania, that is something that usually calls for some kind of medicine.

I will send you Blessings..

Mommaj, I am so sorry your are having to go through this. Like you, I put up with the spending binges for 15 years and, during that time, took my ex to six different therapists -- all to no avail. If he has strong BPD traits, each year his resentment will grow that you have not made him happy. Eventually, he likely will become so resentful -- and so fearful of abandonment -- that he will leave you (i.e., preemptive abandonment to avoid being abandoned).

As to your therapist, you likely will never be told he has BPD unless you get your own therapist -- yes, I know, that doubles the cost. As long as you are going to therapy together, however, you likely will never be told. I spent over $200,000 on her therapy and never heard the term, BPD. One reason is that insurance usually will not cover BPD, so therapists call it PTSD or something else. Another reason is that, because BPD sufferers are such experienced actors, your husband likely will act normal and fool the therapist. Even if the therapist sees through the act, you will not be told because the therapist fears it would cause your husband to terminate treatment. That, at least, was my experience. I therefore recommend that you get your own therapist if you are determined to stay with him.

Finally, please stop trying to figure out what part is a lie and what part is him really believing (due to distorted perceptions) the unreal things coming out of his mouth. It really does not matter what is lie and what portion is misperception -- whatever the outcome of your current crisis, it will all be washed away in a few days by his next tide of emotions, bringing with it a host of new lies/misperceptions. The result is the same. Moreover, you can go crazy trying to tease it apart. If he has strong BPD traits, he likely is incapable of appreciating anything you do for more than a few days, if that long. That is why you can never build up any lasting good will with him. It is a sand castle sitting beside the ocean.