my struggle with BPD

Well here I go with my first post, an hell I'm anxious, I sat there pondering, worrying and then almost freaking out over joining the forum, let alone writing a post...
My absolute fear of being judged, rejected or misunderstood causes me to stray away from any form of human contact, even over the internet..almost like i'm so afraid of getting hurt that I try to hide from the world, so afraid of being abandoned that I make sure I dont make new friends.
But I'm so lonely, and well I imagine most of the people who come on here would have BPD aswell or understand it an do not judge, so finally gaining the courage to join.
Because, well a lot of things I just cannot talk about with my family or the friends I still talk to, because simply they do not have BPD and none of them even know anything about BPD anyway. So its hard to tell someone about how your feelings when they look at you like you're some alien subject with over the moon emotions and paranoid ideas. I just really hope that maybe through this online community I can talk to others who understand, who can share thier knowledge an make me feel less differant. Please welcome me... (I feel so stupid for writing that...)

I don't know when this all began really... I use to think everyone thought like me before being diagnosed with BPD, of course I was always more dramatic then others and my moods are akin to a rollercoaster, my sister would scream at me that I must be scitsophrenic or something for the way my personality switched around, and one of my friends once suggested I might be bi-polar. But I was pretty keen on thinking it was just depression, after all I knew nothing about personality disorders at the time. But that changed when at 16 I was diagnosed with BPD, my psych was of course hesident, because a minor's personality is still evolving as they say, but now at 5 months off being 18 I havent changed if anything got worse, so the diagnosis sticks.
It was pretty shocking when I first got told about BPD, because the symptoms seemed to dead on how I felt, I felt almost ashamed that I could be so neatly placed into a catogory, I felt alarmed that the way I felt and thought was not 'normal' an that it wasnt just depression.

I would have to say that getting diagnosed is a two edged sword, on the bad side, we start questioning every aspect of our personalitys trying to pick out what is us an what is the disorder, but on the good side we finally get to understand why we act of feel a certain way an therefor can stop ourselves from doing something rash.
Now that I know I have BPD I look back on my childhood an I see the tell tale signs of when that catalysts appeared in my life, this moments that in thier own way formed the disorder I have now.

My parents being drug dealers and addicts, getting dragged along to peoples houses that we didnt know, where everyone seemed so scary an strange. Hiding with my twin in anouther room because we were too scared to go out into the lounge with all the people who were getting high. Getting locked out of rooms when mum an dad were doing thier secret buisness. Getting left for hours with strangers who smelt an acted funny. Getting left in the car for hours an being given no reason why. I felt so...abandoned all the time, so insignificant, second to drugs.

Then the second thing would be when I was sexually molested at 4 by one of the weird guys mum use to invite into our house. I didnt know what was going on... but I felt that it must be my fault in some way. I felt dirty and ashamed, I hated myself and I felt hurt that mum an dad hadnt protected me. So I told no one, too scared and ashamed, scared that my parents would blaim me, ashamed that I let it happen, when really there was nothing else I could do. I didnt even tell my twin sister...and I tell her everything. I would just lie there at night an think about it for hours, just freeze with dread, it hurt so much that I could do nothing but freeze.
I kept the secret for 7 years, and beared all the pain, I still...cannot stand to think about it, and I still cry, when you have something bottled up for so long, that only you hold, it digs into you, and I'm sure it left a scar.

Then mum finally lost it when I was 10, she started thinking people were out to kill her, that the cops had been monitoring her for the last 20 years and that she had been part of some revolution that had been held before she was even born. She also got obsessed with bugs, everything was lice or crabs, like specs of dirt, or bread crumbs. So she would strip my twin sister and I every night, make us sit in the bath for hours until the water was cold, putting poisons through our hair. It went on for weeks and weeks, an my twin and I got so sick, our hair was so thin and we were always dog tired because mum would keep us up for so long an then start vacuuming at 3 am.
Then she went missing for a week at christmas, we finally got a phone call from the hospital, dad went there with natasha (my twin) and I, Mum was boxed off from the rest of the hospital in this small room where they locked the door. She looked....horrible, though thats hardly an explimation, she was practically a walking skeleton. Her clothes were hanging off her, her eyes had sunk back into her head it almost seemed with this huge black rims around them and her hair was all greasy and lank. I had never seen my mum like this ever, an it had a huge impact on me, yet I kept it together. She came rushing towards us, she was talking so fast about all these conspiracies, she was obviously high.
She tried to explain how people had poisoned her, an that poison was on her clothes, she asked for dads jumper an when he passed it to her she came towards him with it stretched out trying to strangle him. It was just...the worse day of my life...
Natasha and I ended up crying to one of the nurses, we just didnt understand. The next day she was shipped off to a mental hospital in the next state, she had drug induced paranoid scitsophrenia, Natasha and I didnt see her for 6 months.

Just so many huge impacts like that, theres no point to even go on explaining them because there are so many... usually my mind just blocks out my memories an all I get is this horrible feeling instead. Like there are so many blank spaces in my past that I just cant recall, I just feel pain instead.
I started cutting at 14, at first it wasnt that bad just little cuts, but it got worse until now I'm just not satisfied unless I can see the body tissue sticking out of my flesh and veins protruding. I've OD'd twice, one of them I ended up in hospital while the other I just couldnt get out of bed for the next two days an when I could finally walk again I would shake uncontrolably.
I got these ideas like.... I'm evil, that I dont deserve to live, that the world would be a better place if I was dead. I feel so ugly, an for some reason that just makes me want to cut more, to make myself more ugly. I think I'm fat so I dont eat until someone slaps me out of telling me I need to gain weight if anything.
I push everyone away from me... I can't date people, I like them, then as soon as I'm going out with them I don't. Whatever like I had for them goes instantly, until I hate thier guts for no reason.
Same with friends, I can absolutely adore someone then the next hate them.
But probably the worse thing is, how empty I feel.
I dont even know who I am.... I feel like my life is meaningless.

And now my twin sister, who is the most important person in the world to me, the only one who had ever stuck by me. The person I was conceived into the world with has a boyfriend...and although I know I should feel happy for her, I feel hurt instead.
I feel like she had betrayed me...abandoned me for someone else... all she ever does is talk to him on the phone or the internet and I am practically forgotten. Of course I know this is normal for teenage females yet now I feel like I have lost the only person in my life that I trusted.
Shes going over to singapore for 4 weeks with her boyfriend in a week an it will be the longest we have ever been apart. I dont even know if I can survive this...
So I... be mean to her, tell her I dont need her an push her away. Because I dont want to care... I dont want to be hurt... I dont want to be abandoned. But its so confusing because it switches around, one moment I love her so much and I just want her affection, I'm nice, I'm happy. But the next I dont want her touching me or talking to me, I dislike her, I blaim her for my misery.
I'm so torn and confused, like a million emotions are going through me that wage from anger to depression to mania and then the dreaded emptiness, where I lie in bed for hours, not having the motivation to do anything.

I havnt gone to school all year, the only reason they keep me enrolled is because they know I have issues, they feel sorry for me and for tash who also has depression. I'm so sick of being hurt that I just can't face the world anymore. The reason I still persist with this life is because of my twin sister.

I love her so much, an even in my fits of rage I still love her..
I want to be happy for her and her boyfriend, I dont want my disorder to kill the feelings I have for her, I don't want to push her away...
I'm just so...confused.

This has gone on for ages...in fact its more like an essay, I'm so sorry for anyone who persisted with reading this, I just kept writing it all out...probably full of spelling and grammer mistakes...sorry about that too.

Thankyou for reading, please tell me what you think, if you have any advise, or just support...

xx
Al

Al,
first off a hug ((((((((((((((((Al))))))))))))))))).
There is no judging in this forum. You are not alone.
It takes guts to even try and figure it all out hon.

I have it too and depression, ptsd. Our lives of
high stress as children have a extreme effect on us.
I have a sister too, she is a couple years younger
than me.

There are so many things I want to say to you, and comfort you.
I completely understand abandoment. I try, I am older than you and
I keep trying on that one, but my body and mind betrays me.

Try and write the bad hurtful things you want to say to your sister,
and deal with the rage and fear that way, instead of wanting to
just rip off her head. sorry if that is abit graphic, but there is a part
of me that feels that way, every time, special people go out of town.

I am not bi-polar, my sister is. So sometimes it is hard to get along,
but we manage. we are all each other has. Our parents screwed us too.
I can not take away the crap that happened to you when you were younger.
But no that you are not alone and you need not carry anyones shame or guilt.

It is not yours, You seem like a good person, and I am sorry you are lonely.
There are plenty of people here, that are lonely too. Dive in and just be yourself.

harmony,
red

*hugs red back*

I guess some things like the abandonment issue will never go away, even with age? It's just one of thous things that no matter what your rational mind is telling you, you're still gonna hurt badly inside... and well speaking for myself I'm very responsive to my feelings even when I know I'm being unpractical.
But I really think your suggestion is a great idea, because although I can't change the way I feel over the abandonment, and I know no matter how much I tell myself 'your sister is not leaving you' it wont sink in. I think if I wrote it all down its a way of relieving the stress, and usually after I have got the anger an frustration out I calm down.

My sister also has ptsd and depression, and well its queried that she might have bi-polar, so I can totally understand how its hard for you and your sister to get along sometimes. For tash an I, sometimes we just feed off eachothers negitive emotions, but at the same time because she also has issues I know she can understand where I'm coming from. Though some of the aspects of BPD she still struggles to come to terms with.

Thankyou for replying I'm going to try an be myself, you've made me feel a lot more comfortable already actually.

What I do, well try and do, with the overwhelming feelings of abandonment is, tell myself over and over that my feelings are "liars"...and that, my gut feelings are almost, always..."wrong"...

If the Op sees my posting, I want to thank you for your "bravery"...Just coming in here shows that you have the potential to arrest this disorder. There are many, many people who disagree with the term of "Personality" disorder when it comes to BPD...The more modern term is "Emotional Dis-regulation Disorder" I fail to see how, someone like the Op has a personality disorder...You sound so aware, not to mention, very nice and intelligent.

I wish you a speedy recovery, it can be done!...Get this, i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD and Cluster B traits, that is why I call myself "Tri-Polar"...lolol...and threw hard work, therapy and medications, I have arrested the mentioned disorders and live a perfectly normal life...that is, for the most part...lol....

Hi Al

WOW! You have been through it all! I think every person who thinks they are hard done by, almost always reads about another person who is a lot worse off than they are. I had a bad child hood too but really nothing that compares to what you went through.(are going thru)

You are truly an amazing person! Believe in yourself girlfriend!! You have come this far and you can make it- there is always a light at the end of the tunnel , even though you may not be able to see it yet - you will!! trust me.

At 35 I can "nearly" say that I have beaten this thing- BPD - and you can too. You MUST find someone that really cares about you, someone you can trust and rely on. Someone that doesn't get tired of your constant change of moods and emotions. It doesn't have to be a family member or a boyfriend it can be like a study partner. However this person is really hard to find. I found it in My husband, which I was lucky but you may find it in your sister - and you just dont know it yet. If she has Bi -polar you really do have to connect with her more. My father has Bipolar and we share stories all the time. He has his moods then its my turn!!! I only see him a couple of months in the year but we long to talk about the crap we keep creating to our spouses.

My dad caused me alot of my pain when I was kid because of his mood disorder but I don't blame him because it is hereditary and he got it from his mother, she was horrible! My dad once threatened to shoot us and himself with a gun and he cant even remember that now - I have reminded him about it twice but he still keeps blocking it from his mind. He finds it hard to admit that he ever did it.

Keep your chin up - you are stronger than you think and look for support in Tash - she is your connection and life saver- dont reject her!!