Blood from a turnip

Please don't be offended by that subject line. It's not meant to be a disparaging remark about people suffering from BPD. It's just how it feels sometimes when my BPD partner seems to be putting next to nothing into the day-to-day life he and I share.

We've been living together for nearly 5 years. Most of the time, I cope better with the symptoms of his BPD than most probably would. My patience seems to know no end. But, every now and then, I lose my patience when I see that he's contributing so little to our survival as a couple and to his own survival as a person.

He worked full-time for the first three months of our relationship, quit his job, and hasn't worked since. In fact, in the past few years, he has only gone on two job interviews, while I have continued to work full-time (and have consistently improved my own work situation -- being promoted and receiving raises regularly). I don't pressure him to go out and find work. I make enough that we're able to get by (no savings or safety net, but we get by). But I don't understand why, if he chooses to stay home all day, he doesn't at least take on more responsibility for keeping our home clean.

That's not to say that he never does anything to help (he does -- in fact, he almost always cooks dinner), but he doesn't lift a finger to clean around the house. When he does, it's so little and so rare that it doesn't really do much to allay the resentment I feel when I come home from having worked very hard all day to find that he's done nothing all day long (except perhaps beating a few levels on the latest video game). I always hesitate to confront him on it because in the past my that has led to some very uncomfortable hours/days in each other's company while he works through feeling like he's worthless or that I'm somehow wrong for not understanding. It's not that I have a problem confronting him; I just don't want to add to what I know is already an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Maybe I'm just making matters worse.

Anyway... I don't really even know why I'm posting this here. Maybe I'm hoping someone will tell me to rip his head off over it. I know that's what I feel like doing sometimes. I love him and we're generally pretty happy together, but his lack of motivation to find work (or at least do something productive with his days) and my allowing it to remain status quo is starting to make me question my own self-worth.

Hi, sencho! What if you offered to help him find at least a part time job that he might enjoy doing? Maybe he could work from home or something, even. Tell him it could make him feel much better about himself and things would get better for the two of you as well. Is he getting treatment?
No one could blame you for feeling this way.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, jasmin.

I have tried approaching him that way throughout the past few years... updating his resume for him, keeping an eye and ear out for job openings, racking my brain to try to come up with something he could do from home, even offering to pay for him to get advanced education to do something he might enjoy. He's a very talented artist, so I've even suggested he think about parlaying that interest into a career. But all of those suggestions have seemingly fallen on willingly deaf ears. For me, It really isn't about income. Don't get me wrong... it would help a lot if we had a second income, but it's his mental well-being that's my sole concern.

Although he isn't agoraphobic, I've watched him make a self-imposed prison out of our last two homes. And he has told me how much he hates being stuck there, staring at the same walls all day long. There really isn't much more I can say in response to that other than to tell him he has to find something to do outside those walls. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I can't do it for him.

As far as treatment goes, no... he's not seeing any health care professionals for it. That particular issue isn't one I'm comfortable pressing because I'm bipolar (fortunately, the intensity of what I deal with is usually relatively minor) and have consciously dissociated myself from medical treatment after having had little success on meds. And, honestly, what he deals with from day to day isn't as intense as what I understand other BPDs endure. That's why, at a certain point, I do have to believe he's making excuses for himself by not shaking himself out of this at least enough to get and hold down a full-time job. He was working full-time when we met and went to work every day without any problem. I think perhaps I've simply made it too easy for him to coast.

sencho wrote: I think perhaps I've simply made it too easy for him to coast.

It sounds like you're codependent. Not to be harsh, but that's what I get from your description of the situation. I found this, which might be helpful reading:

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2809.html