New to the forum.

I think I have BPD, My therapist today mentioned how I would feel if she told me that was me...
Not to mention, I fell inlove with a Narcissists and its been 2 years and i still cant let go.
I try to not fall inlove at all, or to make new friends because eventually they will do things that make me feel horrible, the feelings are so intense and confusing, Love, Hate, etc...that I dont know what to think?

Maybe someone can help me to come to an understanding with this?

If i sit and cry by myself in my room at night to music, if i cannot figure out what is bothering me, if iam confusd all the time, if I fear abandonment SO BAD that i dont dare love, am I BPD?

Hi Keepmeup,

Well, we don't claim to be professionals here (although some of us may be), so I personally can't make the call. That's for you and your therapist to decide.

I like to think of a diagnosis as a guide to treatment, rather than a label.

Narcissists can be hard to let go of. However, you may be shutting yourself off from a lot of positive feelings if you choose not to make new friends, or become emotionally intimate with someone. I've had relationships that didn't work out in the end. However, now that some time has passed, I can look back on the good times, and smile, because the affection that I felt and received was real.

IF you do indeed have BPD, the fear of abandonment might be a big component. One of the things I've had to deal with when I was diagnosed with it was a lack of a stable identity. I felt like I needed other people and things in my life to define me. That's why I hated being alone. But I also hated being with people, because, like you said, people can let you down.

What helped me was to take a good look at myself, who I was, what my interests were, and how I naturally reacted to things. I kept a journal, where I wrote my opinions on random things. Slowly, these journal entries coalesced into one cohesive identity. It helped to write these entries as if I were writing them to a person whom I respected, and whose qualities I wanted for myself.

I found that the music I listened to had a lot to do with mood management and identity development. While it can be very tempting to listen to sad songs (they probably make you feel that the singer shares your pain), when you listen to them, it's self-reinforcing the negative emotions. Try to listen to something that affirms the positive things in you and in your life.

For your ex-boyfriend, I highly recommend "Special" by Garbage, and "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. Might be corny, but consider it a form of therapy.

Good luck--write more if you wish.

Thank you for the music.
I was trying to explain to my therapist, that somtimes i feel like im there, other days not..
Its hard to explain, but one day i have a certain way of acting and seeing life, then the next day i have a different one, and Im noticing it because people are pointing it out, so i look back and say "thats not how i act, why would I act like that"?
and so on..
plus always feel wicked low...depressed.
I originally went into her office to talk about the Narc, then started asking her about the Narc i was asking her about me, and i didnt realize it, then i fired off one heck of an email after i was done with her, i was pisttttttttttttt, why i dont know, but i took everything on my chest and projected to her, and she coaxed me back in franticly, so i dont know what is going on?

It sounds to me like you're extremely frustrated with how your mind is working right now. That's natural. I'd be frustrated, too (and I was) if my mind wanted to do different things every day.

Hell, my mind STILL wants to do different things every day. My triggers for "changing identities" are usually stress, meeting a new group of people, or moods.

It's pretty common for people to project their feelings onto their therapist. You're actually one step ahead--you realize that you're doing this.

You also realize how differently you can act at times. For many people, even THIS can be a difficult process. So, consider yourself to be one step ahead!

A bit of advice (check with your therapist): don't automatically attribute "mood swings" to an identity shift. When you're depressed, you're likely to act differently than when you're happy. Also, people naturally act different in different situations. One of my favorite quotes is that you're not the same person when you talk to your mother that you are when negotiating with a hooker.

It's only when there's a lack of a pattern to your actions, and how you see the world, that it becomes a problem.

Sometimes, meds can help with depression. It also helps to take stock of how you usually act. If you're not happy with the pattern, you can always move forward and learn new habits.

I was lucky to find a calm person, who is my best friend, fiance and, to an extent, role model. Don't get me wrong, I don't take every word of his as gospel. But his presence in my life does help me be more stable. Since he rarely has mood swings, and since he isn't the drama type, it's easier for me to maintain my pattern of thought and behavior - two things that I consider to be a major part of my identity. He also has other qualities that I greatly respect, and want in myself. Sometimes we talk, but other times it's just nice to know he is there. It doesn't always have to be about therapy. Sometimes, the calmness and traits of another person can rub off on you just by being around them enough.

Try to find an anchor point. It can even be something on your keychain, your purse, or something that you won't forget to come in contact with every day. Something that will calm you down and remind you that you are your own person. An anchor point can also be a person--but avoid copying them. Just be mindful of the qualities they have that you want, and let yourself absorb them naturally.

You might have been attracted to the Narc for his confidence or his carefree way. This is just a guess. You might have felt good and stable when you were with him. NPDs can be very manipulative. It might help you to realize that you wouldn't have been able to act that way, if it wasn't in you to begin with. Different people bring out different qualities in us. Although it's easier to be "you" with some people vs. others, remember that it's YOU who gets the final say.

Try starting your first journal with "I am...A student, a music lover." I think that it's ok to write "negative things," i.e., vent, in your journal, but PLEASE avoid putting yourself down. If you get the urge to write (FOR EXAMPLE): "I look bad," try to counter it with something positive, and something you can control: "I'm going to make an effort to take better care of myself--dress better, keep my nails and hair neat." Or, (another example): "I'll never stop feeling this way." Counter that with, "I've learned a lot about myself already, and I'm taking steps to get control of my moods and actions."

A routine helps, too. For me, it's tempting to "control" when I sleep, and then stay up all night. But think of controlling things positively. Eating healthy meals or snacks at approximately the same time each day, sleeping at around the same time, and doing other activities on a schedule help me feel more stable.

Just food for thought. It helped me, but you might be different. You are your own person, after all.

Very good advice from Frayed.

You are moving to a time of adjustment for yourself.
You sound like you understand the issues, but you can't change people, only yourself, your life, your special glow.

If that means you have issues yet to deal with, you promise yourself that you will take them on, no matter the label or anything else, People do not make you feel, you can choose
your actions/reactions.

Thank you all for writing to me.

I just had a few questions...

Is this a "disorder" meaning that it cannot be changed, only modified?

Does anyone else live in loop? Things are great one month, then you are alone the next and depressed, then things are great, then you are alone again and depressed..?

Anyone forget to eat when your mind is preoccupied?
Ive gone 2 or 3 days and not realized i havnt eaten becuz i just was not hungry.

In regards to the N, they say a borderline and a N are actually a good combo, why? or why not? (im sitting in class right now haha)

I dont ever remember being abandoned, except in my relationships (two), and my family was always "there", thought we did live in a chaotic household of 4 kids...

What causes BPD?


Im 26, But i can remember this same thing when I was 17, even younger, the fear of abanondment is HORENDOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant believe I thought My therapist was going to take off on me, or that she was wrong etc etc etc...
at the time i fired her hate mail, i didnt even know really, that i was doing it, i mean, i was there, obviously, but i wasnt thinking clearly, obviously.. I did it with the N, ive done it with alot of people.. If i cant fight with them, Ill fire them an email to make them go away!


Thanks!

Hi there,

I don't really have an answer to many of your questions, but if you print this thread and take it to your therapist, s/he might be able to shed some light on them.

There's also a world of info on the 'Net, if you're willing to dig.

Feel free to write about the progress you're making. Just remember: only you can help yourself, and you have to really want to. Change is hard, but it can be done.

And, honestly, I would never get into a relationship with an NPD. Narcissistic traits, maybe. Don't worry so much about labels; find who/what works for YOU.

Good luck.

--Frayed