Newly Diagnosed BP

Hello All:

I am a 48 year old 3rd time husband who was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. After a verbal fight with my wife she took my two stepdaughters age 15 & 17 and spent the night in a hotel. The next day she asked me to stay with a relative to give her time and space to clear her head. I agreed and have been there for three weeks now.

We are a Christian couple who has struggled through two years of strife in our marriage. My wife has gone to great lengths to assure me that she does not want a divorce. We had been seeing a Phd counselor for about three months but had not seen her for the last two months.

3 days after the separation, my wife and I met for dinner during which she broke the news to me that our counselor thought that I was a borderline. A what? I didn't know what this was but I was certain that I wasn't one. We were scheduled to meet with one of our pastors the following day. That morning I set out to gather the information that I needed to prove her wrong and make my case to the pastor that she was the cause or at least most of the cause for our woes. I went to the Mayo Clinic website and within minutes I was weeping. It was me. Not just a little...allot. Almost every aspect of this disorder fit me like a glove. There were two exceptions. I don't cut myself and I am quite certain that I enjoy being a man. Other than that I could be the national poster boy for BPD.

I was brutally abused by my father both physically and mentally for the first fifteen years of my life. Almost all of my siblings have been in and out of the mental healthcare system and are also damaged to one degree or another. He had beaten my mother so badly that he broke her collar bone and her face was distorted and purple. This happened when I was 11 or 12 years old and it was the first memory that I have of wanting to kill him. He mercifully died when I was 15 and I struggled for a long time with the joy that I felt when he died. The beatings were over, the constant reminders that I was not worth the skin which wrapped my body suddenly ceased. All that was left was an empty shell.

I have destroyed my first two wives emotionally and was working on doing it to the third. I just can't believe that this one wants to stick around. The separation has me terrified and in agony. I have panic attacks, cry often, and beg her at every opportunity to let me come home. She has stood strongly against this. Our marriage counselor had told her that I might have a violent reaction the news that she suspected that I was a BP. Funny thing...It was just the opposite. I have been imprisoned in this empty, worthless body for over 40 years. Now I am praying to finally be freed.

I had my first appointment with the shrink this week. She said that I have a long road in front of me. Maybe years of treatment. My immediate issue is the fear that I have of being alone and I miss my wife terribly. I feel that if I could just come home that I would improve more quickly. Is this just me trying to manipulate my way home? I have also read that there is a high failure rate in the treatment of BPD. I'm very confused and afraid right now. Who do I trust? Where do I turn? Is there hope or just more darkness? I seemed to enjoy the darkness. It was safe there and where there is no hope there is also no disappointment. I know that my wife loves me. I love her also...deeply. She has been a cheerleader for me these past weeks but I fear that I am taking an emotional toll on her with my current level of panic and stress. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I often pray that our wonderful Lord would put an end to all of this suffering once and for all.

This is all new to me (us). Any suggestions that you could give to me would be very valuable. Thanks and may God bless you all.

Hey it is going to be ok.
You have a wife who loves you.
Yes at first I started to question all and every single thing I did.

First off, you have to realize....YOU are NOT a bad person, just because of BPD. You dont hurt small children, you dont torture animals. You are a GOOD person, and learning that some of your behaviors might have very good reasons does not mean you can not change them.
Medication can help.
I think the best thing is you being honest, open and Rational.
Try that for a while. Try to leave the emotion to the side.....
BUT You need to Love yourself, you have to feel that love and If you don't, don't work on anything else.
You have to feel good about yourself.
As you grow and see your relationships grow, this will help your self-esteem.
AND The Therapist that told your wife that should have told you first and Only. That was handled wrong, completely.