Tired...

Hi, to all the people around. I am new here. I just registered but its more than a month now that i keep reading forums like this, trying to explain to myself what is going on with me.
My life is a mess. Since i was a kid my life was a mess. I am now 29, i am the mother of a 6yo boy and nothing seems to get better.
I had a strange mother, that i suspect having the same thing i suspect i have too: BPD.
I wont talk about her now.
But i will try to tell you about me, mostly because i need to let it out a little, because i need to know there is someone outhere i told about myself, even if, no matter how much i talk about this, or how much simpathy i get, it can't ever seem enough.
All my life was torn apart by my own inconsistencies. Even if i'm pretty smart and i can learn a lot of things really fast, i did nothing valuable with my life. I quit the university when i was in the 2nd year, and since then i wasn't able to hold on to a job for more than 7-8 months. I started projects that were meant to bring me financial stability, but most of them are dropped off after maximum a month of work. Some died even the moment i thought of them and realize i could make them happen. I don't know why i am like this. I wish i could be able to do something with my life. I always dreamt to be a vet, but now, more than ever i am aware i will never make that happen.
My emotional life was a mess too. I always fell in love to quick and too sudden and too deep and usually with the wrong people. I would idealise them and think they are my "soul mates" within a few hours after i met them. I would take all my feelings and all my energy from anyone and anything else and give them to the one who was at that moment the subject of my adoration. Needless to say sooner or later i would get disapointed, felt betraied, and hated and blamed the other for not being my "illusion".
I am now married and my husband is even if a little superficial, a kind and supportive man. I am now able to realise this, but only after years of hating him deeply, while never letting him go. I loved him and i hated him in the same time. I now believe i love him, even if i don't feel that warmth and passion i think love should bring you. I love him in a cold way, because i think it's the right way to do.
I used to get terribly angry in the past and start huge conflicts. But since when i get angry i can hardly control myself, and i either shake like hell, fearing i will embarass myself by doing that in public, or i get terribly violent, fearing i will hurt the ones i love by accident (that includes my kid too), i stoped expressing my anger. Now i am just "irritable". And mostly sad. Until 2 weeks ago i was crying a few times a day, feeling something will break inside myself, obsessively listening to certain songs, or watching a movie that would trigger the sadness even if i hated the depression, i kept looking for it... Now i am on some pills, an antidepressant called Asentra and a mood stabiliser called Seroquel that just keep me numb. I can't cry, but i am still easily irritated by things. I hate the fact that i can't cry because i still feel that terrible sadness inside, the dispair, the cornered and helpless feeling.
Since i live in Romania and our health system sucks, it is very hard for me to get the help i need. I paid a fortune to see a private pdoc that put me on these pills even though she didnt totally agree with to the fact that i have BPD because i stoped self harming and trying to kill myself. I stopped because of my kid, because there is still some lucid part of me that tries to give him a "sane" life, although i many times feel he would be better without me.
I don't know what to do and where to go next.
I spend my days in dark, caring only for my kid's basic needs (food, dress, sleep), staying on my couch and browsing the internet for all silly things possible.
I want to get up and start living but i cant.
I want to die but i feel too guilty and too scared to do that.
I wish i knew what is wrong with me but i cant even say i have BPD because no one really confirmed my diagnosis.
I feel like im sinking and i'm gonna pull my family with me.
I'm scared.
I wish i could ask for help, but i don't know what i need help for and if i'm able to accept it.
I am tired of hating myself.
I am tired of hating the world.
Someone please help?

You sound so much like me.

I am the most self sabotaging person I know. Everything you mentioned... I'm intelligent and pick up new skills quickly and easily, but I immediately get bored, sabotage projects, don't show up for work... I've gone to and dropped out of 3 schools. I'm now *knocks on wood* at my 4th.

I always fell in love to quick and too sudden and too deep and usually with the wrong people. I would idealise them and think they are my "soul mates" within a few hours after i met them. I would take all my feelings and all my energy from anyone and anything else and give them to the one who was at that moment the subject of my adoration. Needless to say sooner or later i would get disapointed, felt betraied, and hated and blamed the other for not being my "illusion".

My romantic life to a T.

I am the same as you. I've been on lexapro along with Ambien, a sleeping pill and Klonopin, an anxiety pill. All 3 of those just keep me completely numb, lying in bed all day thinking of nothing. I don't take care of myself, I don't get up until it's dark out, only to shove some food down my throat and then go back to curl up in bed. I have all these dreams but I crush them as soon as they're realized. I make appointments and forget about them.

I wish I knew how to get out of this mess. I pray that it is treatable.

Good luck to you sweetie. All I can say is that I can relate, and that I am not a doctor but it definitely sounds like you are Borderline.

Thank you for your reply...
The same you say you can relate to my story (and its just a very very small part of it), i can relate to many of the other "borderline" stories i read. I sometimes think we are normal. Just a different species maybe, that can't adapt properly in the hostile environment the "sane world" is for us.
As you too hope, i pray to God (a God i don't believe in anymore) that it is treatable. I sometimes think that if i just got up and DO something, i could make my life right. But then i remember i got up so many times, and my life isn't right yet...
I wish you get well and find your way through this. I know how terrible a life like this is and i feel no one should have to go through it...
Good luck to you, my friend...