hi. new here. hopeless and scar(r)ed

Hey folks. I'm new here.

I've had depression for a long time, and I also had a stint with an eating disorder. Now I've been recently diagnosed with borderline.

I remember taking abnormal psych class my first year of college, and it seemed like absolutely all the stigma of mental illness, the supposed pinnacle of the insane person (namely woman), came with the label of "borderline personality disorder". I remember watching the films and seeing the "i-hate-you-don't-leave-me" stereotype and thinking, "God, how pitiful. How can anyone be that way? I'll take my chronic depression over that $#%^ any day...!"

Oh, the joy when I realized that that was ME. Realizing the pattern of all my relationships (I would "fall in love" with someone I hardly knew, change myself in every way possible trying to get them to notice and love me back, freak out when it seemed like they were starting to catch on to the fact that what I was doing wasn't normal, and then "punish" them as pushed away from me.

Oh, the punishments. I remember staying awake on my Ambien one night after my roommate, G, told me that "it wasn't that he wasn't into me, but he just didn't think it'd be a good idea to get involved with a roommate" after I had tried to throw myself sexually at him time and time again. I ended up chasing him around the apartment for a good 3 hours trying to force him to lie in his bed and just cuddle with me. I didn't want to go to sleep alone. He ended up running away from me out of his own room to sleep on the couch, and I slept on his bed just clinging to his scent. There came to be a point where I had to pee really badly, but I was too afraid to leave is room - I thought that even though he was passed out pretty cold on the couch, if I left his room and tiptoed to the bathroom, he'd run in, lock the door, and lock me out and away from his presence.

After a few hours of holding it, I just couldn't bear it anymore. I looked around for a cup or a jar but couldn't find anything sufficient. So finally, I just pulled off all my clothes and peed on his sheets, hoping to keep it contained to a small area and that they would dry off if I just stayed in there long enough. But they didn't. It got to a point where morning came. At this point I was just enraged with him for rejecting me. All I wanted was a cuddle after all, and he had to go sleep on the couch? Was I really that awful? So I grabbed his phone and his keys and stuffed them into my clothes. I left his room and hid the stuff for a few weeks while he and my roommates searched me and my room over and over again. Finally I tossed the phone into a sewer one night. It got to a point where finally my landlord was going to kick me out because none of them wanted to live with me. I had fessed up the peeing on the sheets but nothing else.

I was in fact, actually angry at them accusing me of taking his stuff - and for making such a big deal of me chasing him out of his own room and pissing on his sheets! And I still was (still am) angry at him for not just snuggling with me that night! In my warped mind, if he had just laid next to me, none of this would have happened. Crazy. Then one day as the date I had to leave by got closer, I figured I would take some real revenge. When no one was home I snuck into his room and took his laptop, thinking that I wouldn't actually steal it, but I would just erase his hard drive and put it back. But RIGHT as the reformatting finished, he walked into the door. The first thing he did was look for is laptop, and come up to my room to ask if I knew where it was. It was hidden under my sheets, right next to my own laptop, and I was terrified but lied off my teeth. This began yet another month or so of lies, to the point where I actually lied to a detective about it. I hid it at my parent's place, where I had to move back to after I got kicked out.

There was another guy I thought I was "in love" with, A, who I ignored every signal that he didn't like me at all and continued my attempts at convincing him to "love me" and even trying to force myself on him. I saw that he had been hurt and damaged himself, as an attractive, intelligent, non-religious 25 year old virgin who'd never had a real girlfriend at the time, and tried to manipulate him. When I didn't seem to work, I ended up crashing on his couch for 2 months, which was up and down. I kept trying to force him to love me, to cuddle with me, and to "fix" me. We borderlines tend to take people we care about and who we dream of caring for us and sort of expect them to "fix" and take care of us, whether they want to or not, and without giving them the slightest idea that they've been bestowed that responsibility.

The truly borderline side of me came out the night before I was scheduled to leave his apartment, when he brought a girl home (a shock), and they were making out in the kitchen in minutes, and then in his room with hte door shut by the time I had used the bathroom and come out. I sat down to have a beer and play video games with his brother, and I texted a friend nearby to ask if I could spend the night with her if it could too painful for me to witness. I was getting ready to go over to her place, had my coat on and everything, when I freaked out, made a U turn, and barged into his room, to find her naked and him with his boxers on. I practically threw a temper tantrum. Ever since then I've been "taking revenge" on him. I've stalked him and his girlfriends on facebook, sent threats to his girlfriends, and basically terrorized him and anyone he dated.

... The stores go on. Basically, I'm 20 years old and I have a laundry list of people that hate me and would possibly either call the cops or just downright want to kill me if I contacted or ran into them again.

Then I started getting into AA. I felt lonely, depressed, and empty inside, and I met some strong, amazing women who had been in AA for a while, and they inspired me. I wanted to have what they had. So I started going, started working the program, stopped drinking, got spiritual, etc... And I mean, for a while, it has worked. I had a sudden realization that I couldn't live with my own lies anymore, and "anonymously" (everyone but me knew I had done it, haha) mailed my roommate's laptop and keys to his parents' place. I guess that's what AA did for me. I know alcoholism isn't really my problem, but it's like a mask, and also the 12 step program seems to work for all mental health and addiction issues, so it has helped me improve a lot. But I recently began another wave of lies when I had some beer in Germany and some wine with a friend, and never set back my day count or admitted it to my sponsor. I guess admitting that would mean that not only did I lie, but also that alcoholism isn't truly my problem, which would then (here I am getting ahead of myself and assuming outcomes) mean that it would sort of be like "well, why did you even bother with AA and sobriety when you knew drinking wasn't your real problem, anyway?" And I mean... it genuinely has helped me and my depression/borderline given me a new and different outlook on life. I want to continue going, and having a sponsor to check in on me and see how I'm doing and work the steps with me and whatnot...

But not under the lie of alcoholism, which somehow seems easier to admit and deal with than borderline, where it seems like the underlying message is, "there is no hope, there is no proven treatment" - and the rooms of AA are full of hope and support. All that borderline has caused me is pain denial lies lost relationships and a lack of hope. Alcoholism brings the same exact outcomes, but there is a solution, and the solution (and the experiences I heard in the rooms) seemed so relevant to my own problems.

Oh, the lies and the ######6 denial. The scariest thing, for me, about this illness is the extent to which YOU BELIEVE YOUR OWN LIES!! I truly believed that I never took my roommate's laptop, keys, and phone, and I wondered why he and the other 3 people living in the apartment were making such a big deal out of the whole thing (the pissing on the sheets, following him around the apartment trying to force him into bed with me, etc). I've also "made myself believe" that I've been raped, that alcoholism is my problem, etc....

The saddest thing of all I think is that even though I do have amazing people in my life, friends, who are understanding and caring and supportive, I still stick to these people. I still sneak onto their Facebooks to see how their lives are going, read their status updates, see that some of them are indeed still talking about and making fun of me. I do this, it seems, only to torture myself and make me feel even worse, more worthless and digusting inside, than I already do. Everyone else tells me that I am awesome, inspiring, creative, etc etc but I just can't see it. All I can see is rejection, disappointment, failures, and ###$.

Losing friends has truly been what's hardest for me... Realizing that in the past year alone I can count on all my fingers people who won't speak to me and in some cases might even call the cops out of fear if I contacted them. I never thought I would become that way. It's hard if near impossible to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. %$*!, I've barely even gotten out of bed these past few weeks. I've spent entire days, multiple days and nights in a row, in bed, afraid and/or weary of facing the world. I've tried time and time again to just keep my mouth and my heart shut because they only get me into bigger and bigger messes, but its so ######6 hard and it lead to total isolation. I feel like I'll never have a normal relationship - friendship or romantic.

It's impossible to predict someone's reaction when you show/prove, in both actions and words, that you care immensely for them and their well being, and that care doesn't necessarily have to translate into romantic love. I think often that what happens with us borderlines is that maybe we feel like no one has truly expressed concern and love for us, and that the moment we meet someone who does care, we cling to it. And then, with the other party's "rejection" (or explanation that they do care, but it's not romantic and they don't want pressured sex -- God, how insane it's been to actually be begging guys I thought "cared" about me for sex!), I instantly relapse into self destructive behaviors, attempted to rekindle the relationship repeatedly via lies, etc, and then when that doesn't work out, time to "take revenege" and "take away" from the person what they rejected from me... God, I am so ######6 borderline.

To the point where I still think about my G and A as being the ones who were the "obsessed" "###$ up ones" and them being "in the wrong", even though I clearly was the obsessor with this one.

And I think what hurt the most in the situations I experienced was having the people I was dealing with hit the smack nail on the head -- I awoke one morning to hear my roommates in the living room, huddled over their laptops and discussing symptoms of BDP, calling me a "borderline freak" and that I was "hopeless and worthless", etc. Lovely, eh?

Anyway. I guess I'll end it at that. Thanks for listening, if anyone for through this.

hey revolutionary,

thansk for the reply for my post.

im your age (im 21) and i suffered from depression and eating disorder (anorexia) before too but found out last year that i have actually been suffering from borderline through counselling after i was sent to a hospital by the police when i attacked my ex.

like you, i thought borderline people were such sad people and i felt sympathised. i thought my ex was borderline and i felt really sorry for him until i found out i was the one who suffers from it.

i so understand what you mean by "In my warped mind, if he had just laid next to me, none of this would have happened".
i was like that with my ex. we were sleeping and i couldnt sleep well because i didnt know why but i felt weird. i started crying and i told him i was worried about something and he was sleepy and i started getting angry that he wasnt taking it seriously so i hit him. he got mad and i told i wanted him to hug me but he said he wouldnt because i hit him but i was like "please give me a hug and ill be fine!" but he kept saying no because he was angry i hit him.

so i started hitting my head and got out from the bed and went to the living room and turned the light on. i shouted him i couldnt sleep and i started hitting the floor with my feet and raging.

i told him i just wanted a hug, that was it.
it happened at like 3 am or something.
i thought if he had given me a hug, i wouldve felt fine and gone back to sleep. i just felt insecure and needed him to hug me.
i know i was bad i hit him though. but i was angry my problem wasnt taken it seriously...yes at 3am.

today my friend told me "youll get a lovely boyfriend soon because you have such a nice personality. you're an attractive person" and i was like I'M NOT. im just a freak who ruins everyone's life.

i feel like ill never have normal relationships too.
i dont even know what normal is and how normal people feel about things.

i always try to take a revenge too. like i always feel if i dont contact them, ill lose and they win. i dont want them to win so ill keep contacting even though it just makes me feel shitter.

x

Holy crap CattyCat, I went through literally the same thing with a guy I was hooking up with.

I became suicidal when he didn't want to see me as frequently as I wanted to see him. At one point he sent me an IM asking what was up with my depressed-sounding status updates, and I released it all to him. I told him that I was feeling worthless, depressed, hated myself, wanted to die, was crying my eyes out, etc.

Of course he freaked out. We hardly even knew each other, we'd just been messing around, and all of the sudden here I am getting all suicidal and telling him it's his fault. He told me he'd call 911/the police and kept begging me to get help, telling me that there was nothing that he could do for me other than get me psychiatric help, and that he never wanted to speak to me again after he could ensure that I was safe.

At that point, all I wanted was a hug. I begged him and cried and pleaded for him to just come over and give me a hug. He told me he hated me for blaming my suicidal feelings/depression on him, that he wanted as far away from my crazy life as possible, etc... And all I could do was just beg for him to hug me. So he told me that I could go meet him at his subway stop and he would give me a hug, but that if I said one word to him, he would call the police and tell them how suicidal I was. And I went, and I got that one hug, and he never spoke to me again. That was last summer. I'm still ###$ up over it.

All I want is to have a good relationship and be happy and make people around me happy. It seems like I'll never be able to do that. I sabotage everything. My friends tell me I'm awesome and deserve a good person too, but if only they knew....

how funny how BPDs go through the same things?

it irritated me so much that he didn't hug me, regardless of what i did to him beforehand. i mean, i was like "why can't you give me a hug!? it's just a hug!"

it makes me wonder why they don't do it if they want things to be ok. like i gave him a clue, i told him i would be fine if he hugged me.
he didn't so i went insane. doesn't it totally make sense? well, in my world anyway.

i suppose the way i think is not rational like i was told before.
i know if i could think like mentally healthy people, i would say
"you hit him first. obviously he was mad and you couldn't just ask him for a hug. you're selfish"

i hate how they say "there is nothing that i can do for you".
i wanna say that they can just be with me and hug me when im unstable....is it a huge thing to ask for? i dont think so

same here, i really want make people around me happy.
i love seeing my favourite people smile but i have been a moody cry baby who only says negative things. and ive been hurting my ex still. i love and care for him more than anyone/anything but why cant i show that to him? :'(

everytime im angry, i throw the anger at him because im emotionally dependant on him. he doesnt reply though...

i normally live in australia but am currently back in japan (im japanese) for holidays and i so dont want to go back there.
i have to at the beginning of next month though to finish my study.
because of what happened last year, i failed a lot of subjects.
i had no energy to attend any classes, i was always crying, depressed and suicidal.

at least im starting DBT as soon as i get back there.
that's the only hope i have at the moment.

Listen you two, It is a good thing you know what you have. There is hope. There are some people that will give you that hug, or do things for you, simple things and big things.

I was one of them. The problem was, it was never enough and there was always some "slight" I had committed.

Don't obsess. I know it's hard not to do, but fight it. I tried to help my ex wife with it, and sometimes I was able to. It is when you snap that things go bad. And sometimes people will snap back. In my case, that seemed to help. I get the sense that by doing so, it showed that I cared, I don't know. But a line was crossed.

If, and you probably will, find that person that will try to please, don't think that everything is ok. You will obsess over something, just don't "snap". I believe it is called micro psychosis when you do. That is where the "borderline" part comes in.

I know that you think that you have been slighted and hurt. And if you believe it, then you have been. There is nothing wrong with that feeling. It is how you cope with it that matters.

I would suggest that you choose 1 good friend, explain that you are BPD, and when you obsess, go to that person only. Scream at them about how so and so has hurt you. Plan out your vengance with that person in words only. Don't go to others, keep it with that one person.

I am of the belief that people with BDP need 2 people in their lives. Their romantic interest, and a friend to hate that romantic interest with. A mediator.

A word of warning though, if that 1 friend does not agree with you, don't throw them away also. I have no advice on how to accomplish that.

I wish you the best.

hi vinceh4

yeah i know what you mean by it was never enough for her.
my ex did so much for me to make me feel better but nothing
was enough for me. no matter how much he told me he loved me,
showed me affections, did everything for me, i was still scared he'd leave me and i was always grumpy and snapped at him.

i actually had a friend or 2 who told me to text them what i wanted to say to my ex instead of actually saying that to him. but i never really did it because all i wanted to do at that time was hurt him, thefore i needed him to hear what i had to say.

i guess i need to work on it more.

CattyCat wrote:hi vinceh4
all i wanted to do at that time was hurt him, thefore i needed him to hear what i had to say.

i guess i need to work on it more.

Believe me I understand. You needed that. I supplied that for years. She even would go around to all of our friends and family so they would hear what she had to say. I would remain silent and only respond to her.
If she wanted to hate me for a day or week or month whatever, that was OK, I could deal with that.
But she threatened me...and she started to hurt others I love or cared for.
Everyone has a line, that was mine.

If it would have stayed between me and her, and maybe 1 other, then who knows. I would suggest trying to draw a line for yourself, a taboo, if you will. But, if you can, try and respect the lines drawn by others. Know that sometimes those barriers are created out of love for you. How much can a person defend themselves? what level will they go to? Is it worth the cost to themselves or the hurt they could say and do to you? You may think that there could not be anything worse than ____. You are wrong. Most people hold back at least a little, if not a lot.

In everyone's mind, if they are truly loved by another, then the "other" should _____________ , fill in the blank. But there is a limit, both for you and that person, that can be reached. Love does not push.

I don't understand how it feels to be BPD, but I know a little maybe about how you think and hurt, I believe.

I have seen it 1st hand many times. It pains my heart to think about it, but what can anyone do? They can try to love and support, but it may not be on your terms all of the time. If it is on your terms even just a little bit, try and hang onto it. But vengance is not the way to do that. Take your wise friend's suggestion.

I hope it gets better for both you and me.