Looking for somewhere to vent.

Hello there.. Forgive me if this post ends up somewhat lengthy as I have alot to vent.. I feel that I have BPD although not diagnosed.. I have a couple close friends who I've compared symptoms of bipolar vs BPD to and they agree with me.

My anxieties mostly stem from being worried about my future. I am soon to be 25 and feel that I am stuck in a rut that's seems to be increasingly hard to get out of.

After graduating, I had moved 150 miles away from home with my high school sweetheart.. We had plans of continuing our education but got consumed by working to pay the bills and accumulating debts. He had then gotten into the drugs and party scene and I had let him drag me into it as well. He had abused me and cheated on me numerous times and I put up with it for 3 years. He was my first love and I tried, what I thought was my best, to help him with his problems and put my own aside. It took him giving me an STD (which was curable, thankfully) for me to realize the risks I was taking with him.

I had then left, but instead of moving back home, I gave life on my own a try. I had gotten a better paying job and my own apartment. That's when I realized living alone in a big city area is very expensive and my $10/hr, 60 hrs a week job wasn't enough to cover my living expenses and my debts. I had to get a second job, increasing my work hours to 80 a week. I worked those hours for an entire year, allowing myself only 3 days off to visit family.

When that started to wear me down, I had trusted a friend to move in with me. I quit the part-time job, but then I had the problem of deciding what to do with my free time. I did not know what to do with myself. I spent a year doing nothing but working and sleeping, I had forgotten what I enjoyed doing. That's when I developed insomnia. I started smoking from boredom and would chain smoke while playing mindless computer games like solitaire or slot machines online.

Eventually, my debts became more than I could handle as I would spend credit randomly on things I thought I would like. I rarely paid with cash since my checks went straight to the bank and then dispersed for the bills. My roommate had bailed out on me as well. Realizing that I was in way over my head, I had made the decision to come back home to my parents'.

One of the worst things that could happen to me at that very time in my life happened. During the process of moving, as it took a few car loads, I was involved in a collision that was not my fault. I had lost my vehicle, which was the only independance I had left. I didn't have that car long, as I was involved in an accident 5 months prior which was my fault, but that car was my personal prize car. I know it was only an object and am thankful no one was injured, but I had invested over a grand into performance parts for it that were not covered by the insurance.

Things for me didn't just go downhill from there.. They dropped off a cliff. I was then swimming in debt, restricted to jobs in walking distance and severly depressed over the sudden change in lifestyle. Jobs here bored me.. I was used to the high stress of a full functioning restaurant. I had gotten a job in town long enough to get a vehicle. Quit the job the day I got it to find one I'd like more. Went through 2 others before I found one.

I stuck with that one as long as I could, that was until my vehicle got repossessed. I then realized how stupid I was for impulsivly quitting jobs without finding a new one first. During that time, I allowed my debts to go unpaid.. While I lived on my own for 2 years, I never missed a payment on anything.. I stressed over making sure they got paid.. and when I let them go.... I felt relief.

I do currently have a job.. and have held it for over a year now.. but there are days that I really need to control myself to keep from walking out.. What keeps me from doing so, really, is my mother works there as well (on a different shift though), and she had gotten a car in her name that I pay on. I owe it to her.

I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family. I live with my parents but don't talk to them. They criticize me too much.. Probably with good reason, but it annoys me to the point I won't listen to them.

Relationships with me are rocky as well.. Mostly because I have trust issues. I already mentioned the first one I was in, but the second man I let in my heart tore it up just as bad. I had a 2 year relationship with another. I had found out shortly after moving home and the accident that he was actually engaged to someone else.

I had quite a few other relationships where I ended up pushing them away.. I had did my best to numb myself so I wouldn't be hurt again.. Even though I knew they wouldn't. Then recently, a man was able to break through my wall.. I was head over heels for him.. I felt the happiest with him than I ever did with anyone.. but when an ex of his attempted suicide, he ran to her aid.. And that I can't fault him on since his genuine caring is what I love most about him. It still doesn't stop my heart from bleeding.

My life is getting harder and harder to cope with as each day passes.. I am losing the will to continue living it.. I am scared and weak.. I don't know where to turn..

Hi, TijgerStrepen! You have been through a lot. Do you go from one extreme feeling to another in a matter of hours?
You've managed to put your life back together and you are strong. If you were able to fall in love with a good man once, it can happen again. You have a lot to live for.
The stress must be getting to you. Maybe instead of quitting that job, you should take a few days off and try to rest.
It would be good if you found a hobby, something you enjoy doing.
Your family should understand that they're not helping by criticizing you and they should give you support.
You could look for a therapist who wants to help as well.

I do go from one extreme to the other, and it switches atleast a couple times a day.. I usually wake up feeling pretty good until I step outside for a smoke.. Then while I'm sitting there, I think about what things I need/want to get done before going to work.. but I have a tendancy of putting them off because I decide I don't feel like it.. I will find something unproductive to do for an hour or so before work..

Then when it's time to get ready to leave, I'm suddenly full of motivational energy, run through my small checklist and dash to my car (usually forgetting something still).. I like to get to work atleast an hour early and sit in the breakroom BSin with coworkers or workin on word searches.. It helps me get into work mindframe..

While working, if I'm doing a job I enjoy, my good spirit continues.. I work in a warehouse where there's different areas I am trained.. I rather enjoyed the position I was originally hired for, but it required alot of walking and I have had foot problems (bunions) since teenage.. So when a position in a stationary job opened up, I took it.. It pays more as well.. Most days though, something at work puts me in a sour mood..

Today's mood changer was they closed the plant early.. I lost out on 3 hrs of work today.. This is the 3rd week in a row they've sent us home early due to lack of work.. and this scares me more about possible layoffs and losing my job all together.. Another thing, I can't take time off due to a point system.. Even with a doctor excuse, I get pointed 2 for missing a day.. and if I rack up 20 points, I'm fired. I have to work a full month without missing any work to get 2 points back.

As for hobbies.. I have tried many of them.. Which is where a good chunk of my debt came from.. I'd get inspired to do something, buy alot of tools/supplies that I would need.. attempt to do it and realize it's not what I wanted to do.. or get frustrated and give up.. I would switch back and forth between them as well.. I'd start a project, stop to start another.. get bored go back to the first one.. It takes me a long time to get something done.. Which makes me wonder if I might have ADD as well.. Simple tasks such as folding laundry overwhelms me.. I'd wait til the baskets almost empty, fold what's left and throw the dirty pile into the now empty basket..

My parents are just about as irritated with me as I am with myself.. My bedroom is in their basement, but when I moved back from living on my own, almost an entire apartment worth of stuff came back with me (minus the couch and bed).. Earlier this year, I moved in with a boyfriend, but soon (about 5 months) felt claustrophobic living with him in a small trailer (that didn't have a working oven) and moved back home..

Of course, the 75 gal. fish tank for Christmas and the Chinchilla for Valentine's day he got me came along which made my room even smaller.. My hobby supplies (which don't get used much, but don't want to get rid of them) have flowed into the rest of the basement and took space from them.. The 8ft Kayak was aquired just this Thanksgiving day (early gift from my parents)..

When it comes to the Love department.. I'm not sure I even know what love is. I have never been a cheater and refuse to let myself be.. My dad had cheated on my mom when I was 8 and it tore the family apart for awhile.. If I find I have desires for someone who is not my current bf, I will end up breaking it off for the chance to be with the one I think I want. Usually regretting it later..

I have been hurt bad, and I have hurt others as well.. So when I do feel strongly for someone, I get scared on one hand, and confused on the other.. I either want to protect myself from them, or protect them from me.

I tried just dating with no intentions of getting involved in a relationship.. I'd go out with a guy one night, then go out with a different one the next.. Enjoyed the meeting of new people.. Until one decided to come right out and claim me as his girl.. So I went along with it.. told the others I was no longer available.. but a few days later, realized he wasn't very compatible with me and broke it off..

Now the others don't want anything to do with me.. I know there'll be more, but the whole situation confused me.. They all had things I liked and disliked.. but no one's perfect.. Just makes it hard to choose..

"Perfect is a fairy tale
No two people are the same
Feelings of love can fade away
And no one is to blame" - Tijger Strepen

That's a cute poem and you're right. Do you also get highs and lows in your mood that last a few weeks or at least a few days? It's a shame that you can't take a little time off so you can rest. Maybe next month, if you feel like you need it. You could take a class on something instead of having to buy a lot of supplies.
You could take a break from going out with guys until you figure out what's going on with you.
Is there any way you could get some help? You have a job and you're trying as hard as you can, your parents should understand that. Living in a trailer sounds interesting.

None of my highs or lows have lasted past the day.. it just switches back and forth seemingly constantly.. Depends on time of day and what's happening..

Some good news, there's a company that's hiring a large number of people that has a starting wage around what I have now.. And this company supplies to a large convenient store chain that would undoubtedly go under with the economic crisis.. So, I may be changing jobs soon.. I just got to get the motivation to go apply and not let myself get worked up over the anxieties of "first day of new job" I always get when switching..

Yeah, living in the trailer was interesting.. I rather enjoy cooking, but having the lack of a functioning oven dragged me down.. I couldn't make my favorite meals of Chicken Cordon Bleu and Lasagna while living with him.. Not to mention, he has a "bachelor" lifestyle and works 2 jobs.. so he rarely did any cleaning up after himself.. and virtually everything there is his and I didn't want to end up throwing something or moving something of his around.. I pretty much cleaned the kitchen and bathroom only

I have anxieties about my parents looking to move.. This house we're in now has a few years til it's paid off.. and they haven't decided 100% if they're going to sell this one, or leave it for me to take over.. I would like to take it over, but am worried I wouldn't be able to afford it.. I've failed at keeping my own apartment and am even now living paycheck to paycheck with the few bills I do still pay on and food for myself.. Taking on housing expenses would leave me with nothing to save for future needs.. And they're looking to get a smaller house which means I'd have to give some things of mine up due to lack of space..

That little bit of poem, and the one in my signature are verses from a poem I had written last week.. Here is the full thing:

Life is full of surprises
Tomorrow's always a mystery
What you say and do right now
Will forever be in history

They say "time flys when you're having fun"
So some will decide to have none
They stress about days that may never come
Most are depressed from lack of sun

I do admit that I am guilty
Of trying to fit in with society
But all the pressures surrounding me
Have caused me to have anxieties

I'm always afraid of doing wrong
And constantly feeling I don't belong
I make it harder to get along
With the ones who can help me be strong

My distrust of people
Started at an early age
When I was scared I'd cry
And then be put on stage

The other kids would make fun of me
My parents and teachers yelled constantly
Now as an adult, I clearly see
I let my emotions rage uncontrollably

Love acts like a drug
It causes a natural high
It's also very addicting
Without it, some may die

Desires for love creates tunnel vision
On it some will base every decision
Even though done with good intention
It can eventually cause relationship tension

Perfect is a fairy tale
No two people are the same
Feelings of love can fade away
And no one is to blame

There're stepping stones all through life
It's hard to decide which ones are right
There's some that are safe and others aren't quite
Alot of them sink and are lost from sight

I hope you get a good job! You can post here and vent before you go and then come back and vent again, so you don't feel alone
Maybe if your parents get a new house, you won't have to spend so much money on bills.
Thanks for the poem!

Hey Tijgerstrepen,

With a nickname like that I have to ask: Holland, Belgium or South-Africa? Intriguingly, your english is very good, so I'm puzzled as to where you are from.

Also, it seems like what you need most of all is a resting point right now. Just getting to a place where you can say: today, this and here where I am right now, is okay.

Once you've reached that point you can tackle new jobs, new men in your life, new places to live etcetera. I get the feeling you are completely "stuffed", that you can not take on any more issues for the moment. So work on reaching that calm place, maybe, before anything else??

Actually, I'm from the U.S. I've always had an interest in tigers and wanted a unique name.. I've used this name for forums, games and messengers for over 10 years now.. lol

As for my mentality lately, I've been pretty calm the last few weeks with the holidays and everything.. I've had a good bit of motivation to change a few things in my environment.. Things like reorganizing my bedroom.. Studying nutrition and taking small steps towards adjusting my eating habits.. Also reading up on how to go about quitting smoking..

When I say about adjusting my eating habits, it's to gain weight rather than lose.. I am about 12lbs underweight.. There are days I eat ALOT (I get asked where I put it all..) but some days I don't eat much at all.. Plus I tend to crave alot of sugary junk food.. I know I need to gain healthy weight, preferably muscle over fat.. but to do that, I need to create a proper diet and exercise plan..

Creating a healthy plan sounds like a good idea. Go with the motivation and do everything you can for yourself, as long as you're not pushing yourself of course. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.