I failed....

Today has been a really bad day. I cut myself for the first time in two years. I thought I had finally gotten control over this. I thought I was getting better. I got into a fight with my husband again. I'm not even sure why. When I woke up this morning I was feeling lonely. I know people with BPD tend to feel this way alot but today was different. At least I think it was. Sometimes it's hard for me to know whats real and whats in my head. But on this paticular day I really feel like I had a legitimate reason to be upset. As I was saying I woke feeling lonely. I've been feeling lonely for sometime now. The reason I believe I feel this way is because my husband seems to have no intrest in sex. He's been going through alot himself. He has to have surgery on Wednesday. Which makes me feel like and ass for even bringing it up. Especially when I already knew what the out come would be. It's always the same. I'm being borderline, I'm a selfish b****, I only care about how I feel, I only care about how much attention I'm getting. So on and so on.

I came to work this morning very upset because I have felt neglected for about a month and a half. I've done everything I can think of to try to push the feelings out of my mind but they are there regardless. I run the front desk at a very small hotel so I have lots of time to myself. I sat in my chair and cried off and on for two hours because I felt so lonely. The entire time I wanted to call my husband. Calling him usually makes me feel better. I put it off for a total of 3 hours. When I called him of course he knew something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to sound selfish but at the same time I wanted to tell him because I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong. After a couple of minutes I admit to him that I am lonely. He asked me if it was about sex I answered partially. Then he got mad. Accused me of attacking him, asked me if I was cheating on him, called me names, made fun of me for crying, made fun of my BPD and so on. Why he does that to me when I'm upset is beyond me. He always thinks theres some underlying message in what I say. He always thinks I'm trying to manipulate him. It's like everytime I'm upset he totally misses every bit of the point and turns me into the bad guy. When I woke up this morning I was feeling lonely because my husband hasn't shown intrest in me. I don't see how that can be classified as BPD. I have feelings outside of my BPD and this was one of the times that it wasn't the BPD. Because of his attitude towards me and the way he reacted I did start to act BPD. But it never would have happened that way if he had just understood that when I said I was lonely I meant only that. He tells me I'm a bottomless pit that can never be filled. He tells me how mean and bad I am. He tells me I need attention 24/7. Granted I do have major issues and I do need alot of attention but this paticular case is different. Everytime I've tried to talk to him today he's cut me down, yelled at me, apologized for not f****** me enough, said all I cared about was how much d*** I was getting and what I looked like. That I needed sex in order to feel good about myself. He couldn't be further off base. Everyone has needs and when their needs are not being met their going to get upset...right? Truthfully it's not all about sex. It's about alot of things. He's been talking to two different ex-girlfriends on myspace and I'm sorry but it bothers me. I trust him, I really do but when he acts like this it makes it really hard. One looked him up about the time our sex life changed another was yesterday. I'm sorry but that seems a little to ironic for me. However I let it go. Even though this was the 3rd time it's happened. (the other was about a year and a half ago) I didn't want to be that crazed jealous person. By 3:30 I finally lost it. After he said the most awful things to me I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't stand to hear how selfish I am one more time. I hate myself. I really do. All I do is cause pain! Even when I'm not trying to. I get upset about something, I feel lonely and I'm the bad one. I failed myself today. I gave in. I went frantic. Searching around my office looking for something to cut myself with. I found siccors. I tried that..not deep enough. Went to a second pair of siccors...still not deep enough. I went through every drawer in my office like a crazed lunatic saying I have to find something, I'm losing it. I have too...I have too. Then I found what I was searching for. A razor knife. They've always been my favorite. I opened it and found about 5 razors inside. All rusted to hell. I stopped long enough to think about giving myself and infection but not long enough not to cut myself. I took the razor to the kitchen and scrubbed the razor with a brillo pad until most of the rust came of. It's just 6 small cuts. When my husband see's it he's going to kill me. He'll probably leave me. I just don't see what the use is. I'm so freaking out of my mind I don't know what to do. Really all I wanted was some reassurance and maybe and I love you. Instead everything blew out of porportion. I feel like I have to outlets here and the razor...
What do I do?

He's being abusive, not you. This is emotional abuse. I don't mean to make you feel bad. Can you go somewhere else for the night? Maybe he'll come to his senses if he sees that you don't depend on him. You really don't deserve to be treated this way. If he doesn't realise that what he's doing is wrong, it's not your fault.
Please don't hurt yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. You just wanted to be told that you are loved and there is nothing wrong with that.

I understand.
My BPD wife does the same thing whenever I have something that's more important than her immediate needs. Nothing as serious as any kind of surgery though.
Sometimes my interest in sex is virtually nil, due to all of the energy expended in dealing with her problems, and protecting my own borders. I get suspected of cheating all of the time too. Never happened. Not once.
But her needs always outweigh mine.....

There is no way those things he said can be true
and you are being considerate about his condition.

I just think some people who have problems can't accept emotionality.
I don't believe in those people.