Hi, I wonder if you have a clue about this? :)

Constant feeling that the world is boring, that there is no point in it, that there is nothing here for me or nothing interesting about it.

Feeling bored and aggrivated in relationships, its like I can act friendly/cute/talkative for a short while, on some days. But usually my mind is swamped and I feel disconnected.

I want to connect and have relationships so much. Yet at the same time don't care. I am apathetic about it. I just feel empty, and like I have lost my spark, lost my capability to be close to people and to have people want to be close to me.

I just feel lonely and sick and sad almost all of the time. Sometimes happy, when I feel there is a chance I am starting a good relationship. But that usually lasts only a little while, coz I withdraw and people stop giving me attention. It just takes so much energy to have friends.

I can't have a stable, good relationship with people for longer then a year, its as though as soon as we get close, I need to destroy it. I really want them, I just don't feel able.

I have panic attacks sometimes when I think of what a faliure I am.

I am often very passive, but sometimes I explode and really hurt people, going in to a crazy rage and feeling very guilty the next day.

I feel I am not good enough or loveable and I shut off from relationships, I withdraw or I hurt people; I reject before I can be rejected.

I am very self-destructive, I binge until I am sick and over spend to fill the void. Sometimes I will start up self-help things, do yoga, eat right but then I slef-destruct and destroy everything I have worked for.

I feel like nobody loves me. I think about death, and how nobody would come to my funeral. Yet when people show interest or love, I feel shocked and suspicious, or like its fake - they just show me affection coz I am there.

People I should be having excellent relationships with (people I am socionicly compatible with), I am not, I don't have a close relationship with anyone - even with people who say they are my best friend.

I have bouts of loving people, and wanting them to like me which then follow hatrid, anger and resentment. Sometimes I really hate people, and the world - it scares me. Other times, I am so filled with compassion; I feel as though some parasite has got inside of me and is messing up how I should be.

I don't really know who I am, I feel like what I used to be has been mutilated, and now there is nothing left but this shell that is hard to identify...sometimes I take on the roles of what people label me as - without them being true to what I am (e.g. bitch, dominant, joker, secretive)

I used to think that this is depression, but now I realize it is something else or depression as well as something else, I just don't know what. Does anyone have any ideas? I am thinking it might be Borderline Personality Disorder?

I feel scared to tell anyone there is something wrong, yet I feel I need to, so people will stop talking sh** about me, and know that I don't withdraw coz I don't like them but coz there is something properly wrong. I just feel so defective....

Thanks so much for reading <3xxxxx

Yo,

Don't feel bad just because you are a bit different from all of those other people. Be proud with who you are - We don't all have to live life the same way, after all. I don't know whether or not you have BPD but, if you think that it describes you well-enough, then go along with it. You should always aim to go to a doctor about this though, and to ultimately get an official diagnosis.

I can relate to much of what you said. What stood-out for me though was when you mentioned how you make friends - and how everything is good at first - but then you lose interest in them. I have been doing this my entire life and I am continually cycling throug different friends.

Kevin

Doesn't seem borderlinish. Seems somewhat normal but what do I know.
It just seems to apathic and I can identify with it as well.
You could have it but my intuition just doesnt think so.
Its the writing style, it isnt like others in the forum.

This disconnection seems serious thought.

I think I know, that it is easy for some people such as aspergians
and probably others to identify with bordeline
even if you dont have it.

i have had BPD for many years and your symptoms of being unable to let people get close to you i still suffer with.

binge-eating- still major problem with that. tonight i binged very badly again. And am not interested in wanting to have a boyfriend- i can enjoy being around people for a short time, like you said, but not for long. I used to alternate it with being very clingy and needy, though, if people said something to offend me or they were leaving and i'd panic that they'd abandon me. Don't get that much, anymore. i have had a lot of help for most of my symptoms.

and the rage and guilt, yes. i had that very badly and i led to self-harm, suicidal ideation and attempts. i had brushes with the law because of the rage (although i was neve charged with anything. They realised i was a Psych case). I no longer have that.