I'm screwing up my relationship and I don't know what to do

Hi,

I haven't written here before, but i desperately need some advice because i think i'm losing it.

I don't even know where to begin because i feel so messed up, and i've had so many stupid 'problems' for as long as i can remember - i've cut myself, been bulimic, had massive anger problems and mood swing problems, but i've always kept it to myself.

Then about 9 months ago i started going out with my boyfriend, and he made me realise that i needed to see a doctor. i was diagnosed with depression, and prescribed antidepressants. things were better at first, and i finally felt more stable, and content for the first time ever. but i've been taking them since february, and i don't know why but i've started feeling the old feelings all over again - and i'm having really confusing feelings about my relationship.

At any one time i'm either completely in love with my boyfriend, or i'm furious with him for no reason and i can't stand him. i feel like he defines me, yet i turn into a psycho around him. little things he does drive me mad, yet i'm constantly seeking approval from him. i feel like i'm always on the verge of telling him i think we should break up, but yet i would be devastated if he wasn't around. i love him to pieces, but i can't stand him.

i hate myself for thinking like this, and i keep getting huge and sporadic bouts of feeling intensely angry, then hugely anxious, then horribly sad - often all in the space of one day. i know that my boyfriend feels like he's walking on eggshells around me, and i'm terrified that my mad behaviour is going to drive him away.

i often feel like my emotions are completely out of my control, and sometimes it seems like i'm watching myself from another place when i'm being a bitch to him.

I'm at a complete loss, and i know that it's only a matter of time before he gets fed up with being treated like $#%^ and just walks away. i just want to be like a normal girlfriend, but at the moment it feels like i can't.

xx

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Kevin