venting :(

so i saw on my myspace that i share with my boyfriend that he had publicly posted baby/lovey dovey talk for me in a blog entry. it irritated me and i deleted it. i told him i didn't like it and that it is embarrassing to talk that way for everyone to see. so he got quiet (was talking with him online) and that pissed me off immediately. i told him to talk,talk,talk. he typed nothing but "." i was angry and i felt like stabbing him and i wanted to tell him that, but i didn't. i told him instead that it makes me happy to make him feel ashamed of himself. that is a lie but that is my own guilt and shame talking. i signed off and here i am. i still feel tense. i feel like an asshole. i feel crazy. i do this type of $#%^ all of the time. and afterwards i always feel like i could rip my own head off for it.

Hey girl.

Oh understand this completely.

I've learned to give it a good 24 hours before responding online in that place to cool down and sleep it off. It's visual and it's very triggering and can really mindscrew ya.

so maybe this can help you in the future. ((HUGS)) Don't beat your self up over it. It happens to everyone there.

It's at least positive that you can see your actions aren't constructive. Have you considered showing your post here, so that he can see that you are sorry? I have often used my weblog to let my current lover (not boyfriend, but the closest thing to) know how I feel, and the fact that I am communicating my remorse elsewhere and to a broader audience lends it authenticity. I have lied a lot to him, but at least there he knows I'm honest.

And then there's always the usual 24-hour rules or "count to a certain number" guidelines, but you've heard that before and will probably get that advice where ever you turn.

I hate myself when I have those fits of uncontrollable anger, where I hurt the people I care about without thinking about the consequences. The best advice I can give is to tell him you're sorry (if indeed you are) and ask for forgiveness. Pretending it never happened is ... unconstructive at best. I've tried. It doesn't fly well and has caused a lot of problems between my parents and me through the years.

Best of luck.

MSBLUE & Kybele, thank you so much for your responses and support, it means a lot to me. this is the first time i've really ever discussed these issues with anyone.

i went to bed after i posted earlier and now i'm awake and missing my boyfriend. i emailed him a short while ago and apologized. he hasn't replied or came online yet... there are times i feel i'm such a big hypocrite because i apologize and apologize, yet i keep acting out and being this monster to him. i've been abusive to him. it makes me question whether i really love and care about him, when i know in my heart i do. it makes me want to turn away from the relationship because of fear of him finally getting fed up,unable to forgive me, and leaving me... he knows i'm sick and that i need a lot of help,but people have their limits. he loves me and has been committed to me, always forgiving. i am so afraid of tarnishing his love for me, but i am unable control myself... anyway, could either of you tell me more about the "24-hour rule" and give me any other tips on managing my anger better ?

yes, i can relate. i used to feel that very badly. and would hurt myself afterwards. now i just want to, but don't act on it thank god.

muzzle wrote:MSBLUE & Kybele, thank you so much for your responses and support, it means a lot to me. this is the first time i've really ever discussed these issues with anyone.

i went to bed after i posted earlier and now i'm awake and missing my boyfriend. i emailed him a short while ago and apologized. he hasn't replied or came online yet... there are times i feel i'm such a big hypocrite because i apologize and apologize, yet i keep acting out and being this monster to him. i've been abusive to him. it makes me question whether i really love and care about him, when i know in my heart i do. it makes me want to turn away from the relationship because of fear of him finally getting fed up,unable to forgive me, and leaving me... he knows i'm sick and that i need a lot of help,but people have their limits. he loves me and has been committed to me, always forgiving. i am so afraid of tarnishing his love for me, but i am unable control myself... anyway, could either of you tell me more about the "24-hour rule" and give me any other tips on managing my anger better ?

I was at a counseling session today and my therapist read to me the symptoms of BPD. It is so much me I almost wanted to cry. She didn't officially diagnose me, but I know this is what I have. No one could "make up" the list of symptoms that match mine so perfectly!

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel with your bf. I know what my bf hates most, but when I lose control of my emotions, I don't care if he breaks up with me. I scream and yell and keep him from leaving the room. We have even gotten in physical altercations -- usually me trying to take the laptop from him or keep him from leaving the room, and him trying to keep me from hurting him or myself in the fracas.

It is awful. I feel so guilty and ridiculous afterward, and I am always apologizing to him. I am honestly so relieved that I have a clue as to what is goinig on with me now. I actually printed a bunch of stuff off the Internet to share with him.

I am hoping that talking to others with these problems will help. I hope I can help some of you, too!

Baileysmom,

I'm glad you found this place.


I think we've all experienced that loss of control, the rage. Walking away (or turning off the computer) is sometimes the best thing you can do.

When I get angry at my girlfriend, I let her know that I need time to cool off, and she completely understands. See if you can calmly say, "You know what, I'm too upset right now, and I really need a little bit of space. Can we talk about this later, please?"

If the other person is angry enough to leave, and is getting violent, it's best to let them walk away, too. I know it's hard.... but remember, you can talk once you've both calmed down. If he's still with you, he obviously cares enough about you to stick around, and will be willing to talk it out.

queenofwands wrote:Baileysmom,

I'm glad you found this place.


I think we've all experienced that loss of control, the rage. Walking away (or turning off the computer) is sometimes the best thing you can do.

When I get angry at my girlfriend, I let her know that I need time to cool off, and she completely understands. See if you can calmly say, "You know what, I'm too upset right now, and I really need a little bit of space. Can we talk about this later, please?"

If the other person is angry enough to leave, and is getting violent, it's best to let them walk away, too. I know it's hard.... but remember, you can talk once you've both calmed down. If he's still with you, he obviously cares enough about you to stick around, and will be willing to talk it out.

I am SO glad I found this place. I thought I was crazy before -- like no one in their right mind would ever behave the way I do some times.

I'm a little the opposite of you -- my bf gets so frustrated because I want to beat a dead horse -- I will keep an argument going for hours until he stops being mad at me because I am so afraid of him leaving. There were even a few times where I threatened to unscrew his doorknob when he locked himself in his office.

It's awful, and it feels like I have no control over it. I don't care if I told him last time I wouldn't behave that way anymore, you know? And then afterward I'm so embarassed that I'm apologizing for days and doing all these nice things to try and make up for it.

ooh that's a bitch there. i've done similar.
I especially get funny about public crap. one day i'm ok but then when i'm not i'm humiliated.
but guess what
my space has a feature that lets you approve your comments before they are posted! i do that. i just deny the ones i don't like. and i never say a word about it!

also. i like what the one person said about waiting before responding. kinda hard to do with a boyfriend.

something i learned along time ago...

you could have done something like this...

open up word document on your computer... type what you want to say to him there first. finish it. start off telling him hes a piece of $#%^ if you want. write... or type.. type type type until you're not so angry. agitated, the feelings will fade out. you might have to type alot.
then explain why you feel this way. get out everything you can and then read it.
you may want to add or delete things.. go for it.
and then reread it again. re read it until you're done editing then eithor send it to him... or delete it. or save it in your personal i hate him file. whatever you want.

works for me sometimes.

remember your feelings are always going to go from one extreme to another. when your mad and hateful... your probably going to end up sad and sorry try to be prepared so that when it happens you know what to do with it.

you can't make yourself not get mad. I don't think so any way. it's what you do with that anger. i have a personal journal that i keep. i actually only save it on a thumb drive. i delete most of mine. sometimes i "share" it. but sometimes by the end of my letter i realize i was just over reacting again.