Another "Do I have BPD?" question.

I'm sorry, I'm sure you probably get these a lot, but I would really like some opinions on this.

I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with the way I percieve things and the instability in my mood and self-esteem.

So, I've been reading about BPD, and from what I read you need 5 out of 9 symptoms to be diagnosed. I have 6 out of 9.

It amazes me how many times, while looking through this forum and other BPD forums, how many times that I've seen a post and thought, "wow, I know exactly how he/she feels" or "that sounds like something I would do", etc.

The only symptoms that I don't really have, at least not seriously, are the ones dealing with anger, suicidal tendencies, and impulsiveness.

I can be happy for hours and then suddenly go into dysphoria switching between anxiety and depression plus poor self-image. All it takes is one seemingly minor or unimportant thing that was done or said, (or not done or said). Sometimes there isn't even a specific trigger.

It's like I'm constantly worrying and looking for hidden meanings, almost expecting things to go horribly wrong.

I can be very sensitive to any criticism either real or perceived. I have a really hard time disagreeing with people or really dealing with any sort of conflict, once again these conflicts can be either real or perceived.

Sometimes I know that my thoughts are irrational but that doesn't make them go away. I try to tell myself that I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid, but it never helps. The negative thoughts constantly bug me, kind of like in OCD, except there's hardly anything I can do to relieve the anxiety, except wait for something that triggers my mood to swing back into happy mode.

Usually it's when I get the feeling that someone is mad at me or that I'm annoying them, or that I did something wrong. Most of the time it's not true but I just think that it is, and I continue to constantly think about it usually until I see them again and they do something that I perceive as them being happy to see me or I see that they're not mad at me etc.

Does this sound like BPD? Or maybe some sort of anxiety disorder? I don't know what to do, it's driving me crazy. Literally.

PS. Here are the symptoms I have, Yes meaning I have it, no meaning I don't. Underlined phrases are ones that are the ones that I feel describe me especially well.

YES 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

YES 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

YES 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

NO 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

NO 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

YES 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

YES 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

NO 8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

YES 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms [/b][/i]

Heya,

You mentioned swinging between happiness and sadness at least once in your post: Could you possibly be Bipolar? Have you checked the symptoms of that? Also, have you ever been assessed by a psychologist/psychiatrist or are you just exploring possibilities yourself?

To be honest, I do not know much about BPD but I feel that all disorders of this nature are fundamentally the same. I mean, I exhibit symptoms of BPD from time to time; but also OCD, Anxiety disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, etc. It's not about getting a definitive diagnosis (though it CAN help) - it's about recognising each of your problem areas and solving them.

Take care,
Kevin.

I have looked into Bipolar, but one of the big differences is the abandonment issues, which are a symptom of BPD and not bipolar. And I definitely have abandonment issues.

Also my mood swings are too frequent, I think, to be bipolar, even for rapid cycling.

And I don't think I've ever been in a real manic state before. I do feel something close to hypomanic every once in a while. But I don't know if that's what it is.

Okay, so, is it the thoughts of abandonment entering your head that trigger you to swing to the depressed state?

A lot of the time, yes. Probably a majority of the time. Sometimes it's triggered by other things, sometimes even by nothing at all.

My depressive swings can be triggered by any little sign I may pick up on that leads me to think someone is mad at me, annoyed, or simply doesn't like me, etc.

For example, if my girlfriend doesn't call me, send me an email, or contact me in some way for a certain amount of time I'll start to wonder why she hasn't made any attempt to contact me then I think I'm doing something wrong or she doesn't like me any more. Then I'll start feeling really down, sometimes I'll actually get mad at myself for even thinking that someone could actually like me in the first place.

Then she'll finally call or something and I'll be suddenly really happy. Then when we're together I'll feel great, but whenever we're separated I feel anxious, stressed, and sometimes depressed.

On average I tend to get depressed at least once a day. Sometimes I'll go a few days and be totally fine, other times I'll go up and down a few times a day or more.

At my highest I feel happy, hyper, and talkative. Something very close to the bipolar's hypomania, but definitely not extreme enough to call a manic episode. At my lowest I wonder if it's even worth living. Other times I feel very irritable, every little light and sound bothers me, or I'll feel really restless. I get angry sometimes but I'm almost never violent.

I guess that sounds a lot like bipolar but I still think I'm closer to borderline. I know someone who's bipolar and we act totally different. He's very irresponsible and careless, while I tend to worry and care about things too much. But maybe that has nothing to do with being bipolar. I don't know, it's a confusing disorder.

I find it very difficult to describe my personality because I don't even really understand it myself. I feel like my personality is a bunch of contradictions and I can never figure out what's really me.

I guess that's why I'm writing so much, and yet I still feel like I should say more.

PS:

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it.

Kristoffer wrote:My depressive swings can be triggered by any little sign I may pick up on that leads me to think someone is mad at me, annoyed, or simply doesn't like me, etc.

For example, if my girlfriend doesn't call me, send me an email, or contact me in some way for a certain amount of time

1. I'll start to wonder why she hasn't made any attempt to contact me then I think I'm doing something wrong or she doesn't like me any more. Then I'll start feeling really down, sometimes I'll actually get mad at myself for even thinking that someone could actually like me in the first place.

Then she'll finally call or something and

2. I'll be suddenly really happy. Then when we're together I'll feel great, but

3. whenever we're separated I feel anxious, stressed, and sometimes depressed.

You write very clearly. This is just my view from reading what you wrote. And you conveyed your thoughts extremely well.

From how I see it, it sounds like what you described above "slightly resembles" what you identified in (symptom-2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Except these patterns are within you and how you respond to the people in your life.

You know how we learned in Psych 101:
(thoughts) ...affect our....(feelings)...which affect our...(behavior)...

In your case, it's the reverse:

(gf's behavior).affects your (thoughts).which affects your (feelings)

Example:
You don't hear from her (behavior)
You perceive real or imagined abandonment (thought)
You feel depressed & angry at yourself (feeling)

Example:
You do hear from her (behavior)
She's thinking of me (thought)
You feel happy (feeling)

It's almost as if you have these intense feelings and she doesn't even know these exist. Only you're aware of them.

And these feelings within are so strong. They lead you to love yourself one minute and then go to extreme devaluation of yourself the next.

Again, this is not to hurt you. I was just reading and interpreting what you wrote based on what I understand.

And it sounds like the intensity of the shifts in feelings about yourself resonate with BPD.

But please print out what YOU wrote. What you wrote is very clear and understood. You could share what you wrote with an experienced therapist with a large client base of BPD and ask him/her their opinion.

Sunflower_2005 wrote: You write very clearly. This is just my view from reading what you wrote. And you conveyed your thoughts extremely well.

Thanks. I've always been a writer.

Sunflower_2005 wrote:It's almost as if you have these intense feelings and she doesn't even know these exist. Only you're aware of them.

Exactly. That's one of the worst parts, I'm suffering and meanwhile she doesn't even know it. I want to tell her how I feel sometimes, but I'm afraid of scaring her off. I don't want to come off as too needy or too moody, even though I really am.

In your case, it's the reverse:

(gf's behavior).affects your (thoughts).which affects your (feelings)

That sounds about right.

But please print out what YOU wrote. What you wrote is very clear and understood. You could share what you wrote with an experienced therapist with a large client base of BPD and ask him/her their opinion.

I've written a lot of stuff about how I feel. A lot of it I wrote with the intention to give it to a psychiatrist or something. I just haven't really gotten around to it. One of these days I think I'll take it all and compile it into one big document on all my feelings, symptoms, etc.