I've always had problems. Ever since I can remember, which isn't all that much. I remember mostly just bits and pieces of my teen years...full of the chaos that happens to a teen times ten. I have very few memories of my childhood, thus leading the doctor to believe that there was some form of abuse in my childhood. I can't answer that yes or no because I just don't have the memories. My oldest sister was sexually abused, so I suppose that ups my chances for having been abused. I just can't recall it. My nephew's psychologist says that as long as I can't remember that it's my mind's way of saying I'm not ready. Who knows.
In any case, when I was a teen I was in a very controlling and abusive relationship for 5 years of my life. I had and still have this horrible fear of losing everyone around me and being all alone. I know logically it's irrational, but my emotions are stronger than my logic. I stayed with this man and eventually married him, but soon after our doomed marriage began, it ended. I spiralled downhill into even more chaos. Of course I was undiagnosed with anything at this point in time. No one knew what was wrong with me; I just thought I was going crazy. I started going to a mental health clinic, but they offered little help. I was dianogsed with clinical depression and put on anti-depressant after AD, and the only effect they had was to make me sick and even more suicidal.
This is getting long...LOL, I wonder if anyone will even read this far? In any case, I'll continue.
My emotional state was so out of whack that I was extremely unstable. I began to suffer from rages and uncontrollable outbursts of anger. I began to SI constantly to ease the pain and emptiness I felt inside. I began a roller coaster of relationships that never lasted more than a month, eventually leading me into a major depressive state that lasted for several years. All throughout those years my moods fluctuated rapidly from one extreme to another. I could be euphoric one instant and then the next I could be in the pits of despair. Life was a horrible, unpleasant roller-coaster ride, and no one knew what was wrong with me. I wasn't going to the clinic anymore because the people were not helping me there. I felt lost and out of control. I had no idea who I was. Everyone around me was either my best friend or my worst enemy. I got to a point where I couldn't go to the mail box because my anxiety was so bad. I was living in a silent chaotic hell.
In 2005 was when everything began to change. I was so tired of living like that that I decided to start therapy. I was referred to a psychiatrist that has been my life-saver. He listened and helped me. Of course it took a long time to find the right medications to help me, and believe me, we tried many. He put me on ADs twice, and I said no more after that. Throughout these two years I've had bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts and actions, and my mood has been very chaotic, but with support of family, friends, and my dear BF of almost two years, I've managed to make it. I'm on just the right combo of meds which includes Geodon and Abilify for mood stabilization, Adderall for hypersomnolence and depression, and Klonopin for anxiety. I'm in school now, and although I cannot work right now, I hope to be able to one day in the future after I graduate. For now I get help with SSI and support from my mom, plus Medicaid to help with medical expenses.
It's hard to describe what it's like living with BPD. It's pure chaos. It's nothing but internal chaos. A silent sort of chaos because outwardly I seem normal, but inside there can be chaos. I still suffer from chronic emptiness and fears of abandoment, and people are often either good or bad to me (good one moment, bad the next)--the world still tends to be very black and white for me. Although I do SI, fortunately it's under control. I've managed to begin to find a sense of who I am and not identify myself onto others. At least, I don't do it as badly as I used to. I am me, and I'm trying--and succeeding--in finding out who that "me" truly is.
It's taken a long, long time to get to this point, but I am here. I still have a long way to go, but I'll get there. I guess I am writing this personal story to say that it's not impossible to succeed when one has BPD. Often you'll hear that people with BPD just can't function in normal society, but I don't believe that's true. I've been to the deepest pits of despair, I've attempted to end it all, and I've been to the highest levels of euphoria possible, and everywhere in between, and I made it. I believe that others can, too. Life will always be a roller-coaster ride for me, but now I can find joy in that ride, and take it as it comes.
Well, I could probably write more, but I'll stop there. BPD is a difficult disorder to live with, and often medications do very little to help, but it's not a life-sentence. It can be treated, and I believe that with the personal will to strive and succeed and with support from family, friends, and other loved ones that one can make it.
If anyone ever needs to talk, I'm most definitely available for support. Just send me a message.
Take care to all.
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