How it feels

I have bpd and I hate it. I hate to live with the fact that it can't be treated. Why me? This is one of the constant questions going through my head. I can't help my splitting and I hate it. I keep hurting the people that I love eventhough I don't want to hurt them. I switch emotions so fast it's draining me. I just want to feel happy and to feel happy for more than an hour. I want to be happy for a day or maybe longer. I want all of these dark thought out of my head. I want to feel normaal and not weird. No one likes me and I have 1 friend only. No one can put up with me. I hate bpd I hate having it. It ruins most of my days. I don't know how to handle all of this. Please someone help me.

bpdgirl0 wrote:I have bpd and I hate it. I hate to live with the fact that it can't be treated. Why me? This is one of the constant questions going through my head. I can't help my splitting and I hate it. I keep hurting the people that I love eventhough I don't want to hurt them. I switch emotions so fast it's draining me. I just want to feel happy and to feel happy for more than an hour. I want to be happy for a day or maybe longer. I want all of these dark thought out of my head. I want to feel normaal and not weird. No one likes me and I have 1 friend only. No one can put up with me. I hate bpd I hate having it. It ruins most of my days. I don't know how to handle all of this. Please someone help me.

yeah bpd is very difficult to live with. wish i had something helpful to say. i hate it too. i hate my existence and wish i were never born.

Firstly,
YOU are going to be OK! Find comfort in knowing you are know alone friend. I do not know you. In fact I’m not wanting to get to know anyone anymore. Just be a bag of bones assembled…just right.
We may never find the peace being searched for. For the calm.
I hate it as well. I allow myself to spin so freaking quick it’s insane. Like no mechanism learned to just stop it all from going downwards. I listen to music depending on what I’m doing about. More often it’s because of failed relationships, work, traffic, people..
Sometimes just sit stilll and remain quiet for as long as you can, while actually, and I mean actually practicing the breathing exercises that our BPD mind, when in a rut can’t seem to remember how to do properly.

It’s amazing what you will discover about you when choosing YOu over anyone else or anything else.
I’d recommend journaling, but lord knows…that works…for a few days..a year. In different journals spread throughout your room (I actively have 4) total of 9 days written on. 9. But when I do it for one day, I get a slight sense of accomplishment and desire to want to keep bettering myself…then a triggering event happens from ANY given scenario. (I too have a lot of trauma, ptsd, abuse, loss, grief.) and ZERO supportive people in my immediate reach. All bc I managed to get perfect at pushing them away. And because they didn’t know. I didn’t know until 4 months ago about BPD and learning about it. There are answers, there are tools. Just stay patient and keep moving forward my friend.

On the flip of all this, The Happiness has ALWAYS been inside you. It is still there. Talk about it!
The Joy is in the breath you breathe, the smell of the fresh air, the feel of soft, freshly cut grass. Not wet to where it sticks, that’s annoying. I also have ADHD so I typically have a hard time focusing on one certain thing. (Obviously).

What else? I don’t know. You can take control of this. yOU can take control of this and find what’s been yours all along. YOU can TAKE control of the hurt and pain, give it one last hug. You are a wonderful creation, made of all you.
It is late. I must sleep. Which is also vital to your healthy mind.

Ttyl,

I totally get it. I just want to be content; I have given up on happiness long ago. I am constantly hurting those that want to love me, am an addict and working on sobriety. The best help for me, is not getting angry about it or blaming yourself for it. Learn about it, how the brain works, how BPD plays with you. For me, once I understood it, at least I can call it out when I am having those bad thoughts. Not a cure, but helps.

yep, family don't invite me to events, one freind, just told the one person that ever made me happy if they end up on life support going through chemo that i said goodbye at the airport before I left so don't wait for me to say goodbye. Worst $#%^ i ever said to the people i don't like. We had a fight and I thought she was done with me so I in a black out rage over nonsense was pushed to that because i was frusterated she was taking what i said wrong. I then blew up text, msger, and email. Some blaming her, some apologizing, some feeling ashamed. She thought I ended back on drugs, and won't accept that I have BPD. I had no idea till after I tried to make sense of it from the start. I got so mad I quit making sense. She does Lemtrada in 4 days, serious side effects can occur, with death being possible. I should be the one here for her and instead I continue to make things harder. I didn't realize how bad I was being until i was blocked from communication. The 1 person I loved more than anything, and the only thing that ever made sense in this messed up world. Because I was affraid she was going to tell me I couldn't come say goodbye, I told her just don't worry about it. She took it as you told me go die and don't worry about me because we already said goodbye a week ago at the airport. Then asked me to explain how I could make her beleive I ever loved her. I still can't even beleive i thought it let alone said it. So now I don't know whats worse. Having happiness for the last 8 months or never knowing how it felt. Now that I experienced it.....man I don't know which is worse. I am new to all of BPD and didn't have a clue what it was till 3 days ago. After I destroyed everything, and everybody, and all I want is to talk to her and tell her what I learned, and how I hope to be able to control myself, and at the very least she can understand that I do love her and I never meant it. I don't know that I will ever not hear the echos of her voice when she asked me how i could say I love her. Like I get it, if the situation was reversed it would hurt. There will never be a way to show her i didn't mean what was said. The part she will never understand is she will have days she forgets about it happening to her. I won't ever live a day I don't remember hurting her, and her now remembering me as the guy who said the harshest words to her. I will be able to live with it now that I understand better why, but it won't ever get rid of the now last memory of us. Then now realizing that I did this lots, and never accepted that the problem was me. I wonder how many freinds and family members i lost because I shut them out before they could hurt me. Justifying it because they were gonna do it anyway