Just a ramble because it makes me feel better

So my BPD is a lot less intense than it used to be say, 10 years ago. I guess the one major remnant is my forming attachments to FPs, but in the past years, although they’ve come with emotional ups and downs, these have been mostly private feelings that I’ve learned to live with, and the actual relationships have been great, and when they end, it’s either that we stay close friends, but I ‘fall out of love’ or life circumstances make it so we don’t have much opportunity to see as much of each other and I move on to someone else (I almost exclusively attach to people who I tend to see often like in school or something).

So someone i’ve been attached to for like 2 years, is quitting our work. And, It still comes as a shock, it still feels the same as it might have 10 years ago, the actual shock of the news, but it doesn’t last as long, and this time, doesn’t even feel like the world is ending after a few hours. Instead, I managed to reason with myself, that the reason I was so devastated is precisely because I’m attached to him, and therefore, this is a great opportunity for us to continue a friendship outside of work (which we will). So I know he's not really leaving, and its not like we worked in the same dept anyway

But, even though I’m able to react and handle it in a better way, and I’m able to talk about my feelings in a sense that’s normal (like, of course, most people would understand that it hurts when a close colleague suddenly leaves, it’s human nature to form attachments). But, do neurotypical people feel that kind of raw shock with these kind of things? Or is that distinctive to BPD? It’s like a physical pain, like the world is ending, and I lose my appetite and get very quiet. Like, I feel sick. And then it’s a tendency to relive that moment, feel sick again, and an anxiety to distract from the pain, inability to focus, etc. I feel like I’m at my weakest state as a human being in those moments. It’s ridiculous to me, for example, that my past FP is now my bff and in this kind of moment, I’d gladly throw him and everyone else who loves me under a bus to keep the current FP around..
I'm also kinda worried that even though i love my job, a large part of my motivation comes from the people. like the attachments are the little kick of cocaine or something. i'm worried that i'll just get unmotivated without that extra kick.

Luckily, they don’t happen so often these days. And I have some voice telling me despite myself that every time, it doesn’t last forever and I will feel good again. But, How do you cope with that in the moment?

If rambling helps, go for it!

I have heard that in general, BPD symptoms do decrease in intensity with age. My own symptoms have lessened, but that could also be a number of other factors at play- I escaped the abusive environment I was living in, found appropriate meds, found a therapist who could help me with trauma-related issues, and found an outlet I could channel things into-(exercise, fitness and weightlifting.)

highwaytraveller wrote:Instead, I managed to reason with myself, that the reason I was so devastated is precisely because I’m attached to him, and therefore, this is a great opportunity for us to continue a friendship outside of work (which we will). So I know he's not really leaving, and its not like we worked in the same dept anyway

So it sounds like the relationship and the nature of it will change- understandably how you feel about him will be influenced by it. It's ok to have feelings about it. People without BPD also have feelings about things when they change. If it was someone they had grown close to, they might also feel some shock by it, but maybe just not as intensely as someone with BPD does.

highwaytraveller wrote:I'm also kinda worried that even though i love my job, a large part of my motivation comes from the people. like the attachments are the little kick of cocaine or something. i'm worried that i'll just get unmotivated without that extra kick.

For a lot of people- even those without a disorder, the people they work with can make or break a job for them. There are some people I work with that keep me coming back each week. There are others who make me want to quit on the spot. But in a workplace, there are typically people who are going to come and go, and things are going to change.

highwaytraveller wrote:And I have some voice telling me despite myself that every time, it doesn’t last forever and I will feel good again. But, How do you cope with that in the moment?

Trying to remind yourself of that. Breaking things down- instead of trying to focus on getting through the next week, break it down into days, hours, or minutes if you need to. Keep talking rather than shutting yourself away. Find healthy ways to get things out- maybe through journalling or finding a non-destructive outlet for your feelings. Distractions if that's helpful.

Keep safe and take good care.