How are people instructed to detach from pwBPD?

Hi folks,

I'm hoping some of you might have experience that could help me understand something going on in my life at the moment. For those of you who have separated from someone with BPD or taken steps to detach (either permanently or perhaps as a means to reset the relationship, set boundaries, etc), or those with BPD themselves who had someone do this with you and later explained their actions, what advice were you given for doing this?

If you felt the need to set specific boundaries or were advised to set "rules" for yourself about communicating with a pwBPD, what were they and what was the goal? Did you communicate any of these to that person? How direct/honest were you in doing so?

I was diagnosed with BPD several years ago (specifically the discouraged/"quiet" sub-type) and am plenty familiar with the stigma and such. I've never had the violent protest behaviours or "angry outbursts" typical in "horror stories", but I know that I can be sensitive so people can still feel like they're walking on eggshells. I think that I've developed pretty open communication and invite people to express concerns to me so I can work on myself, so it's hard to understand why someone might feel doing so would be more damaging than employing detachment strategies. I tend to attract a lot of people with people pleasing tendencies, though, and it's always a rough go when they realize the importance of boundaries - the early stages can involve setting either vague or overly rigid boundaries that aren't the easiest to accept or navigate effectively. While the last thing I want to do is make that process harder or somehow indicate that I won't respect them, I also know how much I can suffer if I try too hard to tiptoe around unclear or unreasonable expectations at the expense of my own needs.

My problem at times is understanding whether sudden changes in others' behaviour should be taken as a sign that I've crossed a boundary, or if I'm just reading into it and punishing myself unfairly. Sometimes I notice things like someone suddenly using specific language common in BPD discourse or switching to cold/avoidant behaviour and wonder if they're purposefully employing a strategy like grey rocking. Depending on the situation, I can't necessarily ask what's going on without running the risk of making things worse, you know? While I respect people setting boundaries, feeling like someone is using de-escalation methods without communicating what's upset them is harmful to my mental health.

I'm in a situation with a recent ex-partner right now that has me feeling trapped. If I've done something hurtful or made them feel unsafe, I really don't want to make things harder on them. They haven't communicated what that would be to me, though. The break up was really sudden and they used some BPD language, but never said I'd done something "wrong" or projected blame - basically just said that they'd realized some of their own issues, they were becoming codependent, and they weren't sure if I'd be able to resolve some of my own problems if they stuck around. I wasn't given the chance to discuss any logistics and was basically told to wait until they're ready to talk, so I have no idea how to handle a bunch of things. I took the financial hit of it without protesting, but it's been a couple months and I still don't know what to do with furniture we got together, how to sort out some of what belonged to who, what their expectations are when it comes to staying in touch with people I met through them, etc. I have a lot of questions about what happened, of course, but it's also just really challenging to live my life like this.

I can expand on the details if anyone has experience that could help me navigate this situation. I'm not sure if I should be trying to let myself feel angry like someone without BPD probably would, or if I'm doing the right thing by being extra careful and accommodating of my ex's comfort at my own expense. For a few reasons, it's likely that other people's opinions are being taken into account in this situation and could have an impact on the quality of my ex's life, so whether or not I "deserve" it doesn't really matter as much as trying to understand what might be happening so I can handle it appropriately and be mindful of how my actions may be interpreted through a specific lens. I'm not trying to manipulate my way out of the situation, I just want to be mature and save us both unnecessary suffering. My own support network thinks I'm just being a doormat, so I'd like to identify whether the things they're doing are steps towards a "healthy" outcome for an ex-partner of a pwBPD or just inconsiderate and avoidant behaviour for an adult ending a serious relationship. Nothing I'd read while learning about my disorder explains what's happening.

Thanks in advance!

You are too vague on the issues. But yeah, I think you rethink yourself too much so I think there is a lack of assertiveness. If you start doubting yourself all the time and put people before you, they will simply abuse you or you will make your own life miserable. It's not that it is not a good thing, but it's not for most people. I see it pretty often, people that want to have that image of themselves as caring and all that, but when it comes to reality, they don't like the outcome and then they ask for help, but nobody can help, because it is part of their own script.

So you have to change that script. Forget about psychological labels for one, they won't help you. So how you detach from someone? It's usually pretty easy for me, I just move on and ignore them. 80% of the time they move on, because I was the one making the effort. The other 15% I just tell them it is time to separate, that it is not working out, or it is over, I am done. Most people get the message. The last 5% you have to insult them, then if done right they won't show up again.

So you see, there is nothing complicated about it, it's quite simple, and other people's feelings don't even come into the script, so no need for mind reading or anything of the sort. If they are the one that did it, just assume it is the same. They did not care about your feelings so you have no obligation to do so either. Care about people's feelings when you are in some sort of relationship, not when you aren't. Then they are the same as the grocer or some politician or journalist, so it's all business and what you can do for me today.

Like I said, the martyr route is for saints, and most people aren't of that fabric. I know I am not, so I won't pretend I am, nor will I try and make people believe I am, which is just as bad. People's road sometimes cross, and you do some of it with those others, then they separate and there is no need for hard feelings and stuff, it's just how life works. It's pointless to blame or take blame, to moralize it. Do it if you have to to understand situations, but in the end it is quite simple and there is no deep truth to find and those you might find may not be worth finding. So yeah, don't torture yourself over some relationship, you will have others maybe better suited for you. Just learn to discriminate the right people and put those boundaries and take your time. People with bad intentions are usually in a hurry. They want to close the deal fast. It's what you do when you sell garbage. So time is your best friend and don't commit until you are sure there is compatibility and those boundary issues are worked out first.

As for your current situation on dealing with the separation and divide stuff, I am not too much able to help, but I would probably just leave everything and get it done with, it's just stuff. But people like to fight over their part of the estate, which is just something foreign to me. I say those are self created problems too. Mental health is higher on my priorities than stuff, so for me it's not even a question I would entertain. Just sacrifice everything in common, and don't ever put thing in common in the future unless you are sure and ready to just leave it behind.