Would seeking help be worth it?

I'm noticing more and more that I'm having rapid and severe mood swings, black-and-white thinking, I'm continually people-pleasing or pushing people away to try to protect myself, and things are just not peachy at the moment. It's getting to a point where this is happening almost every day and it's really not healthy, I assume.

Today, at this moment, I am feeling extremely awful about ruining a nonstick cooking pot that my aunt owns (or, rather, owned). I assume I used a fork in it, but there were two little silver scratches on the inside, indicating that some of the nonstick stuff had begun to peel. She said once it gets scratched like that, then the not-so-good things start to get in your food. So she said we can't use it anymore and put the pot in the garbage bin.

My brain is trying to reason with itself at the moment, but I don't want to hear any of it. I'm just so seething with rage at myself for having ruined her cooking pot like that. How could I have been so stupid? Everyone knows not to use silverware in nonstick pots, including me. I probably did it because we don't own one of those things you'd use to get pasta out of a pot, but even then, I still ruined it, and it makes me want to self harm right now until I've paid the price for what I did.

I get it, it's just a pot and it can be replaced, but I still ruined it and that wasn't okay. I'm so tired of myself messing up, even when I try my best to do the right thing and not mess up. It's all my fault and it makes me so upset that I almost want to get fatally injured in some way... This is what I mean about the mood swings and black-and-white thinking. To try and remedy this, I'll probably try to talk with my aunt tonight about the pot. By talking it out with her, I'll try to see if she's mad at me and try to see how I can fix the situation. I'll probably feel better about it afterwards and feel happy like I can fly above the clouds a little after that. This has happened repeatedly and it's not healthy.

I'm lucky because I can at least try to talk to my aunt about this. In the times where saying "sorry" and trying to talk rationally did not work or was not an option (like working with angry and/or abusive clients at work), I had the exact same extreme feelings and I didn't have a way to make the feelings go away. I have been in therapy for 8 consecutive years now, so I have just about every tool you can think of under my belt already. I feel like maybe I'm not putting in as much effort as I should to help myself. Even if I do often feel better within hours of something bad occurring, the fact that I feel this badly during the issue is what has me messed up.

Maybe I should try reaching out for help, but I don't see what good it could possibly do at this point. I feel like I deserve the punishment that comes my way from being such an idiot and, anyways, what good will it do to talk to someone when I seem to solve my own issues within hours or the same day that it occurs, most times? That just puts the therapist a week behind once I go to see them for one hour the next week. So much happens every single week that it's impossible to keep up and do anything really therapeutic within the short timespan of one hour (or 50 minutes sometimes).

I kind of want to give up on myself while, at the same time, working to solve my own issues rapidly like I've been doing every single day for a very long time now. I messed it up, so clearly I should be the one to stop crying like a ##### and fix it... But, god, do I wish I could see someone anyways because it hurts to suffer like this in isolation. I can tell people online or even offline, but no matter what I have to stay strong, because if I can't stay strong and I end up falling, there will be nobody there to help catch me and I will shatter into dust upon impact with the unforgiving ground. But what can anyone do to help? At the end of the day, no matter what, I'd still be alone with no one to support me like I wish someone could. Even if I did find that comfort and trust in someone else, they couldn't give it to me as often as I might need it, so I'd feel disappointed and wounded no matter what.

I am so tired of myself.

Hugs!

Some thoughts...

ButterfliesAnonymous wrote: I assume I used a fork in it

Assume. Which means you can't even be sure you did it. The stuff sometimes comes off by itself, after all.

ButterfliesAnonymous wrote: I still ruined it, and it makes me want to self harm right now until I've paid the price for what I did.

Been there, felt like that. Try not to, until the fit to do so passes. I've self harmed many times for the angst of making mistakes, I know how you feel.

ButterfliesAnonymous wrote:I still ruined it and that wasn't okay

And we ALL do things like that. Don't forget that- you're hardly alone. The last time I was a house-guest, I messed up a pan that I didn't realise was seasoned, and I had to hurriedly re-season it. I actually went and bought a small fry pan for my use the rest of the stay. And every so often I cheat and reach into my partner's non-stick coated stuff with a metal utensil even though I know better, and even though I'm the one who bought it as a gift, so I bloody know how much the stuff cost. We're only human.

ButterfliesAnonymous wrote:working to solve my own issues rapidly like I've been doing every single day for a very long time now. I messed it up, so clearly I should be the one to stop crying like a ##### and fix it... But, god, do I wish I could see someone anyways because it hurts to suffer like this in isolation. I can tell people online or even offline, but no matter what I have to stay strong, because if I can't stay strong and I end up falling, there will be nobody there to help catch me and I will shatter into dust upon impact with the unforgiving ground. But what can anyone do to help? At the end of the day, no matter what, I'd still be alone with no one to support me like I wish someone could. Even if I did find that comfort and trust in someone else, they couldn't give it to me as often as I might need it, so I'd feel disappointed and wounded no matter what.

I think ultimately the only ones who can save us, are ourselves. The most even the most dedicated life partner could do, is to just be there to listen. We can't share the insides of our heads with anyone, save perhaps God. In the end, I think we do have to work it out ourselves- when we're lucky we have help, but another person can only do so much. So don't give up- I think we're all in the same boat, at the end of the day.

ButterfliesAnonymous wrote:I am so tired of myself.

I empathise. Me, too. I have been tired of myself, for longer than I can remember. Hugs.

If you feel you need help and support then maybe you should try. Now please don't take this the wrong way, but is it that you just need someone to vent to? As you say you've already done 8 years so you know the drill here.

So the pot. I get it, really I do, but you have to remind yourself if you can that this is just a pot. Yes you feel bad but no one deserves to be punished or worse die just because they scratched a pot. We all do this at some point. I remember as a kid falling right onto this irreplaceable, priceless (not cash wise) table of my Dad's and I broke it. I am 54 and I still feel bad about it even though my Dad died 20+ years ago. I don't beat myself up about it though because I was a kid and it was an accident.

My brain does this all the time. I tell it "shut up you are not being helpful right now" and try and shift my focus onto something else. I've had enough rubbish in my life I don't need to beat myself up too.

I just remembered another thing. My brother lent me his leather footstool when I had an injury. It was a cheap one so the leather just kept falling off in bits. I felt so terrible about it and it took me a while to confess. My brother said not to worry his chair did that too and he just threw it away, I chuck the stool. He wasn't the slightest bit bothered. See we all do stuff like this.

Don't write yourself off over one silly accident. Given the choice your Aunt would rather she had you than a pot.

If you feel at risk in any way of hurting yourself or worse please tell someone - family, friends or your doctor. Let them help you.

I have no one either and no safety net and it is hard at times especially the isolation. So I try to keep myself busy, find projects I can put my energy into. I know right now you feel very alone, you're not. I bet there are lots of us out there. All we can ever do is put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. Who knows what lies ahead, it could just as easily be good.