Feeling lost, and I don't know how to keep trying

I'm not suicidal, I never have been, I just always wanted the pain to end but I really want to keep living. How do you even pinpoint the problem when you feel like all your problems are so large when youre angry but then when you're sad it feels like I'm bothering people by having issues? I dont even know where to begin. I have such low self worth and self of identity, I can't even commit to an idea for long enough to idenity with it. The longest thing I've stuck with is parenting and my son is only 10 months old and I'm starting to really be absent. My trauma is really taking over and its like nobody is hearing me, I feel like I'm screaming for help and everyone is watching but all they care about is how much louder they can scream themselves. I wish I could kust sit with a therapist all day and tell them every thing thats happened to me and that they could help me make it go away. When my parents divorced as a kid all my counsellor cared was my lack of a dad when I obviously wasnt ready to talk about it, but now that I want tk talk about it, it doesnt seem like anyone cares now that I'm an adult. A lot of people rekindled with me when I had my son but none of them are here for ME, theyre here to tell me how cute my son is or how good of a parent I am, what they dont know is I sleep till noon and cant even watch him without having a panic attack that I'm ruining him or that he'll hate me. I need a break, but no amount of time by myself is healing how I feel. Sorry for the rant, I just really dont know how to say how I feel without going off on a tangent.

Hi Hopelesslizard,
Welcome to psychforums. I’m not an expert, but could you be experiencing postpartum depression? I don’t know enough about postpartum depression to offer you more information. I know Brooke Shields wrote a book about her own experience with postpartum depression. You may be able to listen to an audiobook version through your local library. I’ve found keeping a journal helpful with my own struggles, so your post here is a good start.

please visit a therapist. that helped me a lot. at least saved me from venting out to my friends who really arent much helpful.

the friends dont know what to say. it's like when you have a heart attack you go to a doctor. your friend cant help you. it's same with bpd or other emotional/psychological issues.

most friends and relatives are useless though.

therapy can give an alternative perspective. and therapy takes a few months to come into effect. it also helps if you find the right therapist.