I am an incredibly abusive person

And I live in this bubble that everyone else is the problem and not me.

"I'm still here."

That phrase has made me angry for years but someone came out with it. Laid down everything and I can see why they should not be around me. Not for the reasons why I thought but because I have this sense of entitlement like its okay for me to act like this and you should just take it if I mean anything to you.

DO AS I SAY!!!

Paranoid, faithless and unfaithful. Liar.

I am manipulative.

It is not someone trying to put me down. That is what I am. I always want my own way.

I can hear someone crying on the phone and think they deserve it.

And I call that love.

which is why i mostly avoid people...

jaus tail wrote:which is why i mostly avoid people...

Is that the end though? Am I going to have to avoid people the rest of my life because I get crippling anxiety and dissociation under social situations sometimes?

One of the best lines I've heard from someone who had BPD writitng a letter to those who dont, and one of the lines is "I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely" is there any fix to this contradiction??? BPD feels like one big contradiction to me, and thats where a lot of the pain comes from. Wanting one thing.... but your mind and body have other plans...

Skiebs wrote:

jaus tail wrote:which is why i mostly avoid people...

Is that the end though? Am I going to have to avoid people the rest of my life because I get crippling anxiety and dissociation under social situations sometimes?

One of the best lines I've heard from someone who had BPD writitng a letter to those who dont, and one of the lines is "I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely" is there any fix to this contradiction??? BPD feels like one big contradiction to me, and thats where a lot of the pain comes from. Wanting one thing.... but your mind and body have other plans...

I think the issue comes because of extreme. i have extreme expectations and go into fantasy world. once i overheard a colleague saying hes planning to go on some trek. and i was dreaming: i wish he'd ask me. wed be like bros over there.

now i realize i go onto fantasy mode too quickly.

the loneliness hurts but its better than feeling like a burden. as it is talking to a friend about my issues never solved anything.