I don't belong anywhere nor do I want to be anywhere

I joined this forum because I've been kicked off of the subreddits for BPD and cPTSD. I am too unstable. But I need help. My therapist can't help me. Hospitals can't help me.

I really just want my husband to leave. I want him to just do it. I'll be broken hearted and destroyed but he will be able to be happy. I need to be freed from the guilt and shame of being in a relationship with a good person who I keep mistreating. He keeps telling me he's going to stay. He keeps telling me he's dedicated to me and loves me. He's an idiot. He was raised Christian and religion teaches people how to be good abuse victims. He won't see the truth. I don't know what to do. I can't be the one to end it. I'll always wonder if it was the wrong decision. he has to be the one to end it. I have to have no option of going back so that I can't keep abusing him. I need consequences. Cold hard punishments. I am a garbage human being and I don't deserve anything good.

My therapist can't help me. Hospitals can't help me.

it took me time to get the right therapist. it hasnt helped me much but i'm not impulsive anymore.

I really just want my husband to leave. I want him to just do it. I'll be broken hearted and destroyed but he will be able to be happy. I need to be freed from the guilt and shame of being in a relationship with a good person who I keep mistreating. He keeps telling me he's going to stay. He keeps telling me he's dedicated to me and loves me. He's an idiot. He was raised Christian and religion teaches people how to be good abuse victims. He won't see the truth. I don't know what to do. I can't be the one to end it. I'll always wonder if it was the wrong decision. he has to be the one to end it. I have to have no option of going back so that I can't keep abusing him.

instead of leaving forever you both can impose some temporary distance between the two. that will help bring a better perspective. like he can go to a friend's place for a few days or vice versa. or he or you can go on a solo trip away from each other for a few days.

I need consequences. Cold hard punishments. I am a garbage human being and I don't deserve anything good.

yeah i feel the same. i honestly look forward to the day i die. that thought gives me peace..

So, he leaves, and then what?
You have BPD, you know how this works. That's not going to fix anything.
And if you're just going to be so mean to him he actually leaves this time.
You might lose him forever.

If your husband knows about your bpd can you two of you go to a therapist together..?