Always been abandoned by parents

I'm an adult now but still in need of my parents. All they do is abandon me. My mom is completely toxic and my dad can only love me from a distance. Idk what to do with myself.

I feel like my father is ashamed to even be seen with me. My mom pushes me away. Idk it still hurts so much. I wish I could just disappear.

My Dad died 20+ years ago now. My Mum has disowned me 3 times since then. In the last 15 years we have only had a relationship for about 6 weeks. It is horrible to feel like you've been abandoned like that so I totally empathise with you. The way I deal with it - to grieve for them as if they were both dead and get on with my life. Perhaps what you need to do is try and focus on bulding relationships with people who won't treat you that way. I know that's easier said that done but sometimes friends can love and care about you, be there for you as if they were your family. In many cases better than your family ever could.

In my career I came across many many families where the fact those 2 people gave birth to you does not make them great parents. But with support those people can go on to live happy and productive lives.

Sometimes all you can do is accept what is rather than wishing for stuff that may never happen. At the end of the day it's their loss.