Living 'on the edge" - what have I done?

Please, no judgement. I already know i'm messed up.

In 2018 I was pregnant and had my son in August 2018. (This is important to understand my anger). Anyways, SIL (sister in law) and I have always had a rocky relationship. 100% my doing, I was/am jealous of her. She has a perfect house, two kids, a perfect job and a perfect marriage. I hate her for it. I played nice and had her on Facebook as a friend, just to make my husband happy. We've only met one time - for five minutes. I didn't want to meet her. I don't want to meet her. In the past my husband has thrown me "under the bus" to make his sister feel better. I don't want any contact with her, I don't want to know her, I don't consider her family. Anyways, she seemed very supportive of my pregnancy last year (from what I know of her, on FB) but she is one who will post pictures of her kids, twenty times per day on her timeline to get attention. It seems like she can never get enough attention. I strongly believe that while I was pregnant she was angry because I was getting a lot of attention. It's her brother (my husband's) first child - and mine as well of course. I also believe she was angry because I had my son two days before HER birthday, which took MORE attention off of her. She never said anything but this is what I believe. Anyways, guess who is pregnant again? And guess who is due right around my birthday this year (to get me back). As soon as my husband told me about her pregnancy (because she told him low key) I BLEW UP! I freaked out, told him how I felt about it that she was just trying to get more attention and told him I hated her, never want to hear about her again and don't want anything to do with her kids (his nephews). It might sound silly but it's a trigger for me and I know it will be a trigger in the future if I kept her on my facebook and had to see her constant updates about her wonderful pregnancy. I told him I don't want to know anything about her pregnancy and I hope she loses her baby because she's just doing this because she wants more attention. I took it a step further, deleted my Facebook, created a new facebook (under a fake name) and messaged her. I told her she's pathetic and doing this for attention and "oh well if she loses her baby" and "fck her baby" and told her she will never be my family and I never want to hear from her again and that basically I hate her. I've calmed down about the situation but I still don't like to think about it. I also told her that her codependency on her brother is sick and not to shove all of her ultrasounds in his face. He caters to her every need and gives her so much attention. So I don't go back into one of my manic episodes, I've chosen to remove her from my life and told my husband do what you want but I don't want to hear about her pregnancy.

Am I wrong for not wanting her in my life? I really went so manic that i couldn't even control myself. Then next day I was so emotionally drained I couldn't even think right. Can I just not have anything to do with her for my own mental well being?

You are absolutely in the wrong, you are being absolutely horrible to your SIL for absolutely no reason. You seem to completely lack self awareness and you are so self absorbed that you think your SIL is obsessed with you and is trying to take attention from you when in reality you are projecting your own insecurities onto her. I sincerely feel awful for your SIL, it must be awful hearing your SIL tell you she hopes you lose your baby. You said not to judge you but ###$ that, you deserve to be judged. I feel sincerely awful that a child is being raised by someone like yourself.

*mod edit*

Not to be rude, but the NPD forum is one page away...

Whysoserious10 wrote:*mod edit*

Also I find this interesting because before I noticed that this was actually your reply to Steven, and that the username was the same on this reply and the OP, I thought this was a reply from a different person condemning your actions. Probably because you’re clearly projecting. Haha you’re a *mod edit*.

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:

Whysoserious10 wrote:*mod edit*

Also I find this interesting because before I noticed that this was actually your reply to Steven, and that the username was the same on this reply and the OP, I thought this was a reply from a different person condemning your actions. Probably because you’re clearly projecting. Haha you’re a *mod edit*.

Yeah and she definitely is projecting but so am I to a certain extent. I shouldn't have been as vitriolic and condemning as I was in my original post but I felt like some "toughg love" was needed. But yeah, the OP seems to be more of a narcissist because she doesn't seem to comprehend that the way she acted was wrong but that doesn't make her a bad person foreve, I think she can improve and she needs to cuz she has a kid. I was born to parents who aren't awful people but I think my father is a narcissist and even though I love him and he loves me his ignorant parenting gave me a lot of emotional trauma so I responded to this post in anger. We all have huge faults, (even if you're "neurotypical") and I should have been more compassionate.

RamadanSteve wrote:

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:

Whysoserious10 wrote:*mod edit*

Also I find this interesting because before I noticed that this was actually your reply to Steven, and that the username was the same on this reply and the OP, I thought this was a reply from a different person condemning your actions. Probably because you’re clearly projecting. Haha you’re a *mod edit*.

Yeah and she definitely is projecting but so am I to a certain extent. I shouldn't have been as vitriolic and condemning as I was in my original post but I felt like some "toughg love" was needed. But yeah, the OP seems to be more of a narcissist because she doesn't seem to comprehend that the way she acted was wrong but that doesn't make her a bad person foreve, I think she can improve and she needs to cuz she has a kid. I was born to parents who aren't awful people but I think my father is a narcissist and even though I love him and he loves me his ignorant parenting gave me a lot of emotional trauma so I responded to this post in anger. We all have huge faults, (even if you're "neurotypical") and I should have been more compassionate.

I feel like you are very hard on yourself, Steve. I don’t think your post was that abrasive. Of course you would be angry over what she said because what she posted was messed up and showed a clear lack of insight and regard for another person’s feelings. Also, I understand you feel bad and feel empathy for this poster because you feel you were being vitriolic and also because you may have hurt the OP’s feelings. That’s valid and understandable, but also I really doubt this individual cares much about how you feel. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over what you wrote.

Also you are correct having NPD does not make someone a bad person. However, someone such as this poster is likely to engage in harmful behaviors towards others and not take responsibility for it therefore that makes them toxic regardless if they are NPD (which judging by their constant envy and believing others envy them I would say NPD is a better fit)

Members of my family are like you.
I think you’re terrible and at the same time I feel sorry for you.
But at the same time I relate a tiny bit. To the whole, people not being able to stand you having any attention so they do extreme things to take attention away from you. This is a real thing. I’ve been around several people who are like this. And if you’ve grown up around people, or been around many people like this, it can make you wrongly suspect innocent people of it.
Sometimes I also feel people are trying to do things purposely to take attention away from me if I’m getting any. That’s cause they usually are though... ie the people in my life who are like you and can’t stand anyone else having attention/having something they don’t have.
I’ve had to live my life on guard because of people like you coming for me trying to hurt me/sabotage anything good in my life because they can’t stand to see me having anything good for myself.
And it may sound a little as though I am a narcissist, but it’s these narcissistic toxic people in my life that caused me to think in the same way they do.
Because I’ve had to cope with them trying to hurt me, ruin me, ruin my reputation, weaken me etc. So if someone behaves in a way that reminds me of that I automatically think they are the same and are out to hurt me/ stop me from being happy/having anything in life. When actually they might just be completely normal and not jealous/malicious towards me in the slightest.

But despite everything I just said, it does sound like you’re projecting your own toxicity onto this woman who is probably innocent.

I was an attention seeker. maybe i still am. but i have 2 friends with whom i chat once or twice a week and that fills my vacuum of attention.

i try to give myself the attention i would seek from others. it's ok to delete facebook account or block someone there. even i have unfriended my friends from 3-4 years ago.

its ok to not want her in ur life. u dont have to be best friends with her just cause she's ur SIL.
but maybe accept that the rage can be troubling for u as well. like when u messaged her with another fb account. those messages can leave scars.

what would your reaction be if you pass by her on the street... would u be triggered with her smile toward you and will u fight with her on the street, or do you think you would be able to ignore her, give a smile just for the sake of it, and continue with your day...