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No contact

Postby jabberwocky » Tue Oct 16, 2018 5:00 pm

Anyone have advice on how to cope when your FP goes NC? Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN. I'm just trying to maintain some sense of decorum, but it is difficult. Any advice would be appreciated.
"If you're gonna fight, fight like you're the 3rd lion on the ramp to Noah's Ark...and brother, it's starting to rain."
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Re: No contact

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Wed Oct 17, 2018 12:20 am

I'm new to this forum about a month in. What is FP and NC mean? Never seen those acronyms before.
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Re: No contact

Postby cutecactus » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:21 am

Scream in a pillow

Squaredonutwheels wrote:I'm new to this forum about a month in. What is FP and NC mean? Never seen those acronyms before.

FP is favorite person, NC no contact guessing from the title
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Re: No contact

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Wed Oct 17, 2018 4:26 am

If you were at fault (and assuming they haven't blocked you) try and apologise for your actions and hope for the best. Everything usually works out in the end.

After screwing up yesterday, it's what I did this morning. I'm nervous that this will be the time I have gone too far but as long as I have tried to make amends to the best of my ability, the rest is out of my control.
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Re: No contact

Postby jabberwocky » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:02 am

xcagedsilhouttex wrote:If you were at fault (and assuming they haven't blocked you) try and apologise for your actions and hope for the best. Everything usually works out in the end.

After screwing up yesterday, it's what I did this morning. I'm nervous that this will be the time I have gone too far but as long as I have tried to make amends to the best of my ability, the rest is out of my control.


I am at fault. I'm always at fault. I have tried to apologize, but it's like the boy who cried wolf, at this point. I've got about 2-1/2 months to get my shlt together and show that I'm not the toxic POS that I have proven myself to be, in the past. That's not much time and given my track record, I'm not hopeful. I feel gut shot.
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Re: No contact

Postby jaus tail » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:43 am

there is more to us than our faults. sure we goof up. everyone does. but we, like everyone else, also have done some good stuff. maybe you're painting yourself black here. (black n white thinking)

if you've apologized to the person then give them time n space. maybe they need time to forgive you or to let go of the sorrow. we all need to be alone at times.
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Re: No contact

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Wed Oct 17, 2018 7:52 am

I've noticed that for me that push pull and yearning to fix it with them is more about trying to fix and get more in touch with aspects of myself that that other also possessed. What helps me is identifying what qualities that other person has and trying to listen to those aspects of myself as they are trying to be validated. I've noticed that if I take care of parts of myself which are shared traits, I don't need to abandon my partners or hurt them so much as there is less projection of ideals and flaws.

I started to do it after a very useful post Quoth put up
https://www.psychforums.com/post2181311.html
That list of traits is particularly helpful. Even just reading it and thinking of the other helps. I appreciate all the positive and negative qualities without it being lumped together. I then notice I have these qualities that need to be felt, or want to work on these qualities. Also when my partner is lashing out at me, I notice the same qualities in myself. If I have had practice listening to myself, I can listen to them without hurting them back or just abandoning them like I used to.
I don't know if this helps much as I don't think I have borderline traits but I have had relationships with a fair share of people with them.
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Re: No contact

Postby jabberwocky » Wed Oct 17, 2018 11:11 pm

Squaredonutwheels wrote:I've noticed that for me that push pull and yearning to fix it with them is more about trying to fix and get more in touch with aspects of myself that that other also possessed. What helps me is identifying what qualities that other person has and trying to listen to those aspects of myself as they are trying to be validated. I've noticed that if I take care of parts of myself which are shared traits, I don't need to abandon my partners or hurt them so much as there is less projection of ideals and flaws.

I started to do it after a very useful post Quoth put up
https://www.psychforums.com/post2181311.html
That list of traits is particularly helpful. Even just reading it and thinking of the other helps. I appreciate all the positive and negative qualities without it being lumped together. I then notice I have these qualities that need to be felt, or want to work on these qualities. Also when my partner is lashing out at me, I notice the same qualities in myself. If I have had practice listening to myself, I can listen to them without hurting them back or just abandoning them like I used to.
I don't know if this helps much as I don't think I have borderline traits but I have had relationships with a fair share of people with them.


This is great. It never even occurred to me to do that, but I'm definitely going to give it a try. Thanks!

-- Wed Oct 17, 2018 3:13 pm --

jaus tail wrote:there is more to us than our faults. sure we goof up. everyone does. but we, like everyone else, also have done some good stuff. maybe you're painting yourself black here. (black n white thinking)

if you've apologized to the person then give them time n space. maybe they need time to forgive you or to let go of the sorrow. we all need to be alone at times.


That's actually where we're at right now. She is taking time away from me for a while, which is a far better outcome than I had hoped. It's so hard, because we talked every day, but I'm going to gut it out and use this time to try and modify my behavior.
"If you're gonna fight, fight like you're the 3rd lion on the ramp to Noah's Ark...and brother, it's starting to rain."
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