What's wrong with me ?

Hi so I'm writing my first message here to share with you guys my story and maybe get some advices from people who might been through the same stuff as I am since about 3 years and as the title of my topic says, I'm really confused, I don't know what's wrong with me..

I have to start by saying that I grew up in a toxic environnement, my dad was constantly mocking me, humiliating me, making me feel like I'm not enough, beat me and used, many times a month, to pack his stuff and say that because of me, because of the horrible daughter I am, he's leaving us (I was only 6). I grew up with this constant fear of abandon of my father and was begging him to even beat me again if this could make him stay with us. Even though he never really left for long, I could not remember the amount of times this episode repeated itself.
All I can remember from my childhood so far is me crying under my blanket so no one could hear me and hold my breath as long as I could and my mom constantly telling me that I should never tell anyone about what happens at home. Like ever.

But I have to mention that for me everything my dad did was normal, that he loved me and that I was the bad guy in the story, since like one year ago when I realized he was the one who broke me when I was still a little kid and that I'm now one unstable of an adult!

When I was 8, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and even tried it once but I got away with it and no one ever realized that I wasn't alright..

When my family and I went in holidays, it was a complete nightmare cause my mom wanted to set me into these kids club and I didn't want to because of my social anxiety she thought was "shyness".

Then I grew up, to be honest the problems with my dad weren't solved he was still the same, but I got into middle school and things got worse. Other students made fun of me because I was really younger then the others, I didn't hit puberty unlike the other girls, I wasn't their idea of "pretty'' and was good in class so during 4 years I was bullied at school, had no friends, low self-esteem and hate it there. But unfortunately, I always was either at school or at home. And it weren't good either way for me.

My social anxiety became worse and worse, I was convinced nobody loved me and that I was a complete waste. And again, I didn't know what it was, I didn't know I was suffering, and no one of my relatives noticed it.

During high school, I started to recognize in myself depression symptoms: I lost interest in everything, cried every night, generalized tiredness etc.. and these symptoms didn't leave me ever since (it's been three years I left high school now)

But I have to mention that despite everything bad that was happening in my brain, at school and at home, I spent almost all my time studying to be the best I ever could, I don't know if it's because my dad pushed me somehow by humiliating me and saying I wasn't good enough or maybe just to get my mind into something different, to escape my darkest thoughts..

Then I got into med school, I was glad to leave my parents' house to get away with their toxic behaviors but the first two years were the most stressful years I ever experienced, I studied between 10 and 13 hours a day to make it (and I did ) but I also experienced a lot of depressive episodes like crying impulsively and not eating at all for 2 or 3 days and anxiety like fear to fail and to disappoint my parents who made a lot of sacrifices for my studies.

To be honest, I thought that these mental health issues during these two years were only here because of the amount of work it requires but I passed all my exams, and ever since, I still am feeling the same and maybe worse:

I make excuses to skip parties and going out with friends, sometimes feel complete apathy towards my family, friends and boyfriend, developed anger management issues, cry a loooooot, feel empty and like my soul left my body, very sensitive and easily offended, have a lot of panic/anxiety attacks per day and go through too many emotions the same day: I experience many mood swings and fear of abandonment.
But the thing is that on the other side, I'm really kind, always down to help, especially people who experience mental health issues, I'm always here to listen. But unfortunately, I can't do this. I can't just talk about it like it's nothing. I always feel like I'm bothering and that I am a total waste anyways.

My boyfriend knows about all these and doesn't know how to properly act I think he's as lost as I am, do you have any advice to provide please? Our only fights since the beginning of our relationship were because of my mental health issues, because I really struggle to open up about it and talk about it.

I have to mention also that I talked about all that to my parents especially my dad, and he told me I was lying and making it up to be glorified as the victim.. So basically no possible talk with him.

Earlier today, I discovered what is called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder and it got me thinking that maybe all of my symptoms might be because of this disorder ? I don't know..

What do you guys think about it ?

Ps: I really spent my night crying and opening up about it in here made me feel better, if you read all of this, thank you.

First of all i just want to say how sorry i am to hear what you have had to go through. I am pleased you are out of the toxic environment.

My advice would be to speak to your GP. He can advise you on anxiety and depression. Offer you meds and/or therapy. I personally accepted both, but i understand a lot are against medicaition.

In the meantime you could look up self help for anxiety and depression. Learning about positive mental attitude and the law of attraction can be helpful too.

I have BPD but my biggest hurdles with that are anxiety and depression. I often question complex PTSD. It is quite similar.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that!

My honest and the best advice is to go see a therapist. It's very important to get help and not wonder around. I was struggling for years and it got worse every time i thought it gets better, I felt lost and empty, self destructive.
Finally, recently, i started therapy. I found an amazing lady (but you maybe will have to go throught more therapists, it happens). Now, when i know for sure what's going on with me, I finally was given tools to fight it. It will be a long and hard battle, but i feel relieved a lot and my fiancee too.

Therapy, therapy, therapy, my dear <3
The faster the better

Thank you both so much for taking time to answer my message. Thanks to your advices, I scheduled a therapist appointment for Friday morning I'll let you know if anything new brings up during this first appointment.

Again, thank you so much, may you be blessed <3