Struggling with my BPD, help?

Hi there, my name is sophie,

to be honest i never thought i would be on a site like this but there is no one else.
I was diagnosed when i was 16 (im 20 now), and ive been alone with this, no therapy, no counciling, no one who truly understands.
I have medication to help me but i still struggle, i will go from happy to depressed in a day, but latly i have felt lost.
I live with my fiancé and his 2 children (my partner has ADD) , i love them dearly but yet i feel alone, i have hardly any friends and pratically no social life and since gaining the responsibility of the children i feel alone, yes i have my partner but he isnt romantic or one to show emotion or even give me hugs randomly , im the one who has to ask for a hug and he calls me needy.

I do not know what to do with myself because even though im still young i feel like i have no future, like i am a 70 year old to be homest, i have tried to manege on my own because i have to.

Our relationship has been terbulant to say the least, met when i had just turned 18 and i was living im a YMCA hostel smoking weed and doing cocaine ,( i havent done drugs in over a year now) but in the past 2 and abit years we have faught, vocally and he has been pysical (my fault for pushing him that far), he has broke me dowm and tried to remake me into a stronger person which he has in some ways but in other ways not. He had cheated with the baby mama a year ago, and begged for my forgivness, he says im too much and causing so much #######4.

I do not know what to do, i have a new job, i have met some more people at work which is good but mentally it is a battle everyday, wondering do i want to stay with him? Would the boys be better without an unstable person like me around? But the thing is, i have attachment issues too so no matter what happens to me i can never find the strength to leave. I dont kmow if i want to or not because i do lobe him and the boys but i am no good for them.

Im sorry it is a rant but i just need someome.
Im always feeling alone.

Thanks in advance

It was not your fault for him being physically abusive towards you. It was his choice to do that. He could have and should have chose to walk away.
You saying that he has "broke you down to make you stronger" is a massive red flag for me as my manipulative ex would say this in a way to justify his abuse towards me.

You deserve so much more than this. You have your own issues to deal with and you happily walked into the family life at such a young age. Yet he is abusive towards you and lets you think it was your fault, he has cheated on you, calls you needy and puts you down.

What are you getting out of this relationship is the question you should be asking yourself.

You could be giving all of that to somebody who would appreciate it and actually be there to support you just as equally.

You have came so far by getting away from the drugs, starting a job and widening your social circle.
All of that took strength. Now all of that is in order, try and turn your strength onto yourself and your own well being.
This relationship does not sound very good for you.

It sounds like you're caught in an abusive relationship.

Sophdeegan wrote:Hi there, my name is sophie,

to be honest i never thought i would be on a site like this but there is no one else.
I was diagnosed when i was 16 (im 20 now), and ive been alone with this, no therapy, no counciling, no one who truly understands.
I have medication to help me but i still struggle, i will go from happy to depressed in a day, but latly i have felt lost.
I live with my fiancé and his 2 children (my partner has ADD) , i love them dearly but yet i feel alone, i have hardly any friends and pratically no social life and since gaining the responsibility of the children i feel alone, yes i have my partner but he isnt romantic or one to show emotion or even give me hugs randomly , im the one who has to ask for a hug and he calls me needy.

I do not know what to do with myself because even though im still young i feel like i have no future, like i am a 70 year old to be homest, i have tried to manege on my own because i have to.

Our relationship has been terbulant to say the least, met when i had just turned 18 and i was living im a YMCA hostel smoking weed and doing cocaine ,( i havent done drugs in over a year now) but in the past 2 and abit years we have faught, vocally and he has been pysical (my fault for pushing him that far), he has broke me dowm and tried to remake me into a stronger person which he has in some ways but in other ways not. He had cheated with the baby mama a year ago, and begged for my forgivness, he says im too much and causing so much #######4.

I do not know what to do, i have a new job, i have met some more people at work which is good but mentally it is a battle everyday, wondering do i want to stay with him? Would the boys be better without an unstable person like me around? But the thing is, i have attachment issues too so no matter what happens to me i can never find the strength to leave. I dont kmow if i want to or not because i do lobe him and the boys but i am no good for them.

Im sorry it is a rant but i just need someome.
Im always feeling alone.

Thanks in advance

breaking you down to build you up in his image. *mod edit*