romantic attraction/ out of my league

I have a habit of either attracted to players who provide me with strong stimulation of excitment (with my emotions going up and down, being drawn close to them and then being pushed away)..
or attracted to guys who are out of my league, they are either very smart, phd graduate from stanford, entrepreneur, banker.. people who are way smarter than me and ending up played me, used me and treated me like $#%^.
I liked, admired guys who are smart and because they are totally out of my league, dating them can boost up my self-esteem.. because I don't feel that I am very smart myself..or even a little dumb
I hate the feeling of being like $#%^.. I hate it when I was seen as "not enough" when dating those smart guys.. I hate it much when they eventually left after getting what they want or feel that I am not good enough for them to commit.
I hate it because it hurts my pride.. I hate it a lot when I was not being valued.. I guess this has something to do with my dad.. since he never loved me or cared about me.. I am attracted to guys that I feel doing this and that can "earn" their attention or love..

I don't like it.. I hate being treated like $#%^ and I wanted a way out of this cycle
and finally, I have met a guy who's more or less the same level as me.. whom I am attracted to physically.. I have only met him three time and he has been spending decent amount of time chatting to me on the phone, messaging me and he showed that he wanted to know more about me.. and care about me..

I feel safe/ warm being with him but part of me feels that he is not good enough for me? part of me likes his presence because he cares about me.. part of me is too lonely that it's nice to have someone with me instead of being on my own..
so far he has been consistent.. he has been giving me positive attentions, showing that he cares..
and I do like him in a way but maybe not as much as those jerks that I dated in the past (those who were out of my league)...
so I am not sure if this level of attraction is enough..
I like being next to him..
but I am not sure if this is just because of lonely or what..
there is no doubt that I am lonely so it's nicer to have someone who cares about me to be around
but I think that I have feelings for him to some degrees.. and there is some physical attractions as well...

part of me is afraid that I might fall and things will end again
part of me is numbed because of there has been some $#%^ going on at work
part of me is just worried that what if I fell for him and then he left again?
part of me is numbed because I am afraid that I will get hurt

the fact is we will always get hurt.. we get disappointed ALL THE TIME
we feel hurt when people reject us at work, romantically, and our friends will disappoint us as well
and the truth is
pain and disappointment are inevitable in life and it's okay when we feel that way because it only means that we care about something..

why not just let go of my guard and let myself fall for a bit?
if I don't care about him, why would I even spend so much time thinking about this? and end up numbing myself afterwards?
why is my unconscious pushing him away?
why am I feeling afraid?
I am so afraid to fall again so I will get hurt
haven't I fallen already? otherwise why would I even bothered to write on the forum and talk about the feelings I have for him?
borderline is so annoying

he is actually one of the best guy that I have met in the past 2.5 years..
someone who can shows that he cares..
those guys who were out of my league did not care about me at all, they didn't spend much time on me nor have any concerns about me.. whether I am happy or not..
I really don't want to screw this up again.. that's why I am here.. trying to type out of my overwhleming feelings so that I have the capacity to feel when I meet up with him tomorrow

Hey.
first of all, I have to sya I'm sorry to hear about you being hurt by those out of your league guys in the past.
Second off, I know this thing too, falling for the wrong guys...haha damn this sounds so stereotype now that I'm reading my own words, but you know, I think borderliners have a special "talent"/tendency to feel attracted to guys that aren't the best match for them romantically...For example, fallig for guys that are a lot older, falling for guys who are at a totally different place in life etc. And I think you're right writing it has something to do with your childhood and background story with your dad. It'slike you try to find someone like him who will make up for his mistakes and heal the wounds he has caused you. I think for me personally, I often (and this isn't just guys) feel attracted to people older than me - though not sexually, more like, I want their attention, caring, etc., parental nurturing - it's like a mother/father replacement, don't know.
I'll try to give you my best advice. Firstly, I think you're very very overwhelmed right now by feelings and thoughts and doubts, and that might make you numb, but it might also get you so confused you don't know what you're actually feeling. Try doing something to empty your head and heart - whatever works for you. Writing it all down (you kind of have here, but if you like writing fiction etc., maybe give that a try), exercising, soing a puzzle, talk to a friend/hotline, listen to music, go for a long walk, solve crossword/sudoku (sorry a bit nerdy over here ), read a book or WHATEVER has proven to help you calm down your emotions and thoughts. When you are less overwelmed emotionally, you might be able to actually feel what you're feeling and sort out your thoughts. Secondly, you could maybe write a list of pros and cons? And next, I think it would be healthy for you to try being with such a guy like him you describe here, who's more on your own league it might help you engage i healthier relationships with people more on your level. And next question: does he know about your problems/bpd?
You've probably already met with him again since posting this. I don't know if this reply of mine is gonna be helpful at all. I hope so, though Best of wishes and luck, cirkusrat.

thank you for reading through my essay and all of my random thoughts..
I have met up with him just now and it was alright.. there were times when I numbed even more because the beer went onto my pants..
it got a little better after I went home, took a quick shower and changed..
I can't handle heat well.. and it's way too hot right now in where I am at.. 30+ celsius..

he doesn't know about my BPD but I said that I appreciated he showed care towards me and said to him that the guys I have met before were not as caring as him.. he didn't understand why i kept on losing my temper a little (there was no emotions on my face) because I hate it when I sweat and when it was so hot on the beach.. but after I went home to get change and as it is less hot.. we got on a little better..
we took a walk next to my home and that was nice

I am not sure how am I feeling, I like having someone next to me and I do like him to some extent.. but I am not feeling as intensely as I used to.. I am probably numbed

and I am getting some headache too..
let me type out more on a word document, read a book or even rest early.. hopefully my feelings will come back to me soon! when I am less overwhlemed.

thanks for your advice and yes I will try to date someone closer to my league because my strong attractions always react to something that is not suitable to me

just went for a swim earlier and clear my mind abit more..
I am feeling much less overwhelmed now.. I guess I didn't know how to react because the guy that I am recently seeing is the only guy who gives me the most healthy attentions in the past 2 years and 8 months in hk..
who is not into alcohol, call me every now and then to speak to me on the phone... try to meet up with me as much as he can..
didn't give me a s*** face when I almost lost my temper in the heat..
not rushing to get me in bed just yet (we have been meeting up twice a week so far and went on 4 dates already)
he's been consistently around and is physically attractive to me
I am starting to get to know him as who he is..
and so far I feel that he is quite an optimistic guy.. simple and not too complicated
not very smart but not sneeky also.. he is direct and will tells me what he thinks.. he seeks for deeper connections and will communicates with me
this is very different from what I had experienced in the past.. I was more attracted to exciting, stimulating, more playful or guys who were not so consistent.. this is the very first time in the past 2-3 years that he is very attentive and consistent..

I don't want to find reasons to pick on him anymore.. just want to find reasons to enjoy this when it last
because love or life is only so short that we can only enjoy the very moment we have right now..

let me find reasons to live a more satisfying life...
find reasons to appreciate more about myself, appreciate others, appreciate the imperfect me
One of the most amazing/ reassung thing is that he didn't run away even seeing me losing my temper.. this feels like acceptance to me
it feels good to be accepted or not picked on even I am not as perfect

Hey, sorry for the delay in response. And you're absolutely welcome, I'm glad my replies were helpful to an extent
Sounds like you've gathered yourself a bit more and cleared you're mind, making you less numbed/spaced out and less overwhelmed/confused and thus also taking away some of the doubts. That's great to hear since doubts and numbed feelings and overwhelming can be so frustrating.
I'll agree with what you write in the end of your last post: he really accepts you FOR WHO YOU ARE, and he doesn't only accept you for who you are, he LIKES you, probably even LOVES you, for who you are. You're GOOD ENOUGH for him, might as well say PERFECT. And that, dear missingyou, is the most important thing - finding someone who takes you with EVERYTHING YOU INCLUDE, BOTH GOOD AND BAD THINGS, accepts you to the full and loves you for everything you are - in this great big world full of unobtainable ideals and demands.

And that, dear missingyou, is the most important thing - finding someone who takes you with EVERYTHING YOU INCLUDE, BOTH GOOD AND BAD THINGS, accepts you to the full and loves you for everything you are - in this great big world full of unobtainable ideals and demands.

this is so true.. and it brought tears onto my eyes.
I think this is the type of love that we are looking for and I think it takes years to build as well..
we are need that full acceptance who loves me for everything I am .. my emotional self, times that I am numbed and withdrawn.. and also times that I am sweet and caring.. (only after I fell)