i'm new here - male with bpd

Hi,

Wasn't really sure to register on here as generally i avoid talking about my issues as i find it shameful, embarrassing and in general i'm a very private person but for whatever reason decided to anyway although still not sure why i registered on here. I find there is always more females than males so find it hard to chat and generally avoid such places. Not that i have issue with females i think being a man it makes me feel like an idiot and stupid and i should just man up and get over it type of thing because men should not show emotions.

I'm an adult male from uk, was diagnosed with BPD about six years ago although there probably were many signs prior to my diagnosis going back years due to my childhood, i was very overweight as a child but lost it all with healthy eating and exercise just before i left school, i'm known to self-harm (cutting), attempted suicide in past mainly by overdosing 100+ pills each time and drinking it down with vodka, i have a eating disorder that comes and goes as it pleases (sometimes i purge although nowadays i generally starve myself for weeks at a time whilst exercising an hour a day on treadmill and just drink water when my eating disorder kicks in and been agoraphobic for about five years, i don't leave my home at all under any circumstances.

About six years ago i started doing things like the above although did some stuff like the above when i was in school. I was put in mental health on a few occasions just a few days at a time because i kept overdosing and self-harming, i saw a psychiatrist that i hated and despised, i only saw here a few times and appointments never lasted long as i used to just walk out, i argued with her every time we saw each other, i hated her she hated me type of thing and we never got on. At the time they offered CBT and DBT but being group therapy i told them at the time i can't just walk into a room with multiple people and just chat as i find it very difficult and stressful but they always ignored that fact, i basically never got anywhere, they change my psychiatrist but never seen the new one as then became agoraphobic.

Since then i became agoraphobic about five years ago and have had no help from my GP, psychiatrist, basically nobody, i don't have family to talk to as stopped talking to them a few years ago, my doctor just does not care, they changed my doctor twice now and neither are even interested or ever bothered to speak to me on phone even when it to renew prescription just once a year, my first doctor was great but he left the practice a few years ago and since then i just get assigned to doctors that do not know me or ever seen me, mental health team never bothered getting back to me on two separate occasions a few years ago, basically i was told nothing they can do because i'm housebound i will have to help myself or pay private which i could never be able to afford as i cannot work and even when i did i struggled to keep a job as i always become suicidal, stressed, bored and find it hard to make friends with others so always felt isolated even when i worked.

I go from loving and being nice to total rage and hating people, my emotions change from one minute to the next, i cannot ever know how i'm going to feel in the next few minutes, even eating i find hard to make choices, it's like i'm a ticking time bomb, i misread peoples facial expressions and there emotions, i attack (never physically just verbally) or misinterpret what people are saying, i'm ashamed to say it but i've said some despicable things to people in the past but then i have terrible guilt that can last weeks and other times i just tell myself it's there fault sometimes it is, i either go into complete meltdown or dissociate from the world around me, i get paranoid often and when under allot of stress which is almost all the time i get delusional and hear voices that sort of thing. I could probably like many write a book just on what i go through. I've always have been a loner and generally hate life and the world i live in and wish i could go to middle of nowhere and live alone without any human interaction. I've been on anti-depressants and beta blockers (for anxiety) now for probably 7+ years as first i was diagnosed with depression, anti-depressants i've been on several types and neither work for me but as i been on them so long and can't go to doctors to be monitored i have to be kept on them. I try and hide my symptoms whenever i can and pretend 'i'm fine' or 'ok' as don't want people knowing i have BPD incase they judge me and i try and be different in hope people will like me.

I'm not after sympathy/advice as in being giving links, numbers etc to different places, i got two books on BPD and just wanted to come on here and chat to other people who has BPD as people just don't seem to get it and i find it hard to connect to people socially specially when they say things like 'i understand', 'you will be fine', even though since i been agoraphobic i've nobody to chat/talk to. My friends kind of forgot about me when i became agoraphobic and never heard from or seen them ever since.

I wish i could just like man up, get a grip and get on with life, my life is wasting away before my eyes.

I don't want to burden people on here but wanted to give an insight into my life and see if there are other males on here in my kind of situation? although i'm happy to chat to females to.

Hi,

Wasn't really sure to register on here as generally i avoid talking about my issues as i find it shameful, embarrassing and in general i'm a very private person but for whatever reason decided to anyway although still not sure why i registered on here. I find there is always more females than males so find it hard to chat and generally avoid such places. Not that i have issue with females i think being a man it makes me feel like an idiot and stupid and i should just man up and get over it type of thing because men should not show emotions.

i've been on both sides. before my breakdown i'd tell others to man up, stop whining etc etc.
after my breakdown i've been on a marathon on whining n often have been told 'ur full of negativity, get over it'

i realise its hard thing to get over and that if i could get over i would get over it. now i share my issues only with people who i know wont give such replies. mainly this forum.

i'm known to self-harm (cutting), attempted suicide in past mainly by overdosing 100+ pills each time and drinking it down with vodka,

i would cut and often punch my belly or slap myself out of hate.

i have a eating disorder that comes and goes as it pleases (sometimes i purge although nowadays i generally starve myself for weeks at a time whilst exercising an hour a day on treadmill and just drink water when my eating disorder kicks in and been agoraphobic for about five years, i don't leave my home at all under any circumstances.

even i like to stay indoors. i avoid people.

About six years ago i started doing things like the above although did some stuff like the above when i was in school. I was put in mental health on a few occasions just a few days at a time because i kept overdosing and self-harming, i saw a psychiatrist that i hated and despised, i only saw here a few times and appointments never lasted long as i used to just walk out, i argued with her every time we saw each other, i hated her she hated me type of thing and we never got on. At the time they offered CBT and DBT but being group therapy i told them at the time i can't just walk into a room with multiple people and just chat as i find it very difficult and stressful but they always ignored that fact, i basically never got anywhere, they change my psychiatrist but never seen the new one as then became agoraphobic.

even i dont like my first psychiatrist. he was very busy. if i had an appointment at 6, my turn would come at 7.
i've started therapy at school. he's a psychologist. the good thing about him is that he's punctual.

Since then i became agoraphobic about five years ago and have had no help from my GP, psychiatrist, basically nobody, i don't have family to talk to as stopped talking to them a few years ago, my doctor just does not care, they changed my doctor twice now and neither are even interested or ever bothered to speak to me on phone

no one really cares. everyone is too busy with their lives. the docs here are overworked. they treat patients as cash cows n increase visits so they could get more money. its very tough to get one good friend. i have 3 online friends who are helpful. we sort of help each other out. apart from them i got no one else n i'm starting to accept that.

even when it to renew prescription just once a year, my first doctor was great but he left the practice a few years ago and since then i just get assigned to doctors that do not know me or ever seen me, mental health team never bothered getting back to me on two separate occasions a few years ago, basically i was told nothing they can do because i'm housebound i will have to help myself or pay private which i could never be able to afford as i cannot work and even when i did i struggled to keep a job as i always become suicidal, stressed, bored and find it hard to make friends with others so always felt isolated even when i worked.

i'm at college and i'm struggling to make friends or even have a conversation with people.

I go from loving and being nice to total rage and hating people, my emotions change from one minute to the next, i cannot ever know how i'm going to feel in the next few minutes,

i learnt it the hard way rage doesnt do anyone any good. so now i consciously avoid people who enrage me. i know i'm not well in a group so i'm mostly alone. the other people in the dorm sort of pass jokes at me by falsely praising me that i'm a genius. i avoid them.

even eating i find hard to make choices,

i had to order a bedsheet online n i cancelled order twice before finally placing the order.

it's like i'm a ticking time bomb, i misread peoples facial expressions and there emotions, i attack (never physically just verbally) or misinterpret what people are saying

many people dont like loners so they like to pass comments at us or maybe they genuinely think we need help. i avoid people. sure they may pass a few comments but its ok.

even a cheetah runs away when confronted by ten hyenas. its ok n safe to run at times or be quiet.

, i'm ashamed to say it but i've said some despicable things to people in the past but then i have terrible guilt that can last weeks and other times i just tell myself it's there fault sometimes it is, i either go into complete meltdown or dissociate from the world around me, i get paranoid often and when under allot of stress which is almost all the time i get delusional

with me this is due to loneliness. like i seek advice from people n no one is really there to talk with.

I've always have been a loner and generally hate life and the world i live in and wish i could go to middle of nowhere and live alone without any human interaction.

even i hate life n this world n now i am in the middle of nowhere. in some college in the woods. away from city n home. i'm not really happy. i think our issues go with us.

I've been on anti-depressants and beta blockers (for anxiety) now for probably 7+ years as first i was diagnosed with depression, anti-depressants i've been on several types and neither work for me but as i been on them so long and can't go to doctors to be monitored i have to be kept on them. I try and hide my symptoms whenever i can and pretend 'i'm fine' or 'ok' as don't want people knowing i have BPD incase they judge me and i try and be different in hope people will like me.

not sure about bpd but the classmates here seem to know that i have depression. most of them dont even know what's bpd. they try to talk me out of loneliness but i prefer to be alone. i admire their effort but for my own mental health i prefer to be alone.

I'm not after sympathy/advice as in being giving links, numbers etc to different places, i got two books on BPD and just wanted to come on here and chat to other people who has BPD as people just don't seem to get it and i find it hard to connect to people socially specially when they say things like 'i understand', 'you will be fine', even though since i been agoraphobic i've nobody to chat/talk to. My friends kind of forgot about me when i became agoraphobic and never heard from or seen them ever since.

even my friends have forgotten about me. its been years n havent received any call. it was always i who made the first call. i read a quote 'dont swim oceans for those who wont jump a puddle for you.'

i think the priorities of my friends have changed n its ok. theyre happy with their lives or not. i'm indifferent now to them.

I wish i could just like man up, get a grip and get on with life,

its not easy. at least not for me. i grew some plants a few months ago in my house pot n i realized that motivation cannot do the work of water and fertilizers. the plants were thin n would sway with the wind but once they grew strong they'd overcome the wind.

i think with most of us we'd have toxic upbringing so we're unable to cope with life.

my life is wasting away before my eyes.

this is a terrible sight. i recently had a chance to study in germany. 3 chances n i wasted them all n now i regret that so much.

i go to the gym at the uni. just for the sake of it. it doesnt help my mind but i've always wanted to go to the gym.

I don't want to burden people on here but wanted to give an insight into my life and see if there are other males on here in my kind of situation? although i'm happy to chat to females to.

male. n m watching my life drift away. m 28. lonely. full of regret n hate toward the world.