Is this BPD?

Hello! I'm new to this forum and I've been feeling particularly bad lately so I might as well post something myself.

I'm a 19 yo girl and I've been in poor mental health since early teens (professionally diagnosed). Starting last year, my problems have been getting pretty.. turbulent. Someone who's close to me thinks that I might have bpd and I can indeed relate to many of the symptoms:

- I have a very unstable self image. There are times when I think I'm above everyone else but only in my head. I fundamentally have ZERO self esteem. I feel like I'm the embodiment of wrong.

I'm always aware of how other people percieve me to the point of extreme. I'm never genuine with people, all I ever do is act, and it's exhausting. Because of this I can't establish relationships with people. I always remain an aquaintance. I have no friends.
Though if someone's nice to me I tend to cling to them for a while, but not for long. The second I think I feel a little bit ignored I let them go. Most of my self esteem is influenced by the way people act towards me.
I feel completely alone. Hell I am completely alone.

- I fear abandoned and rejection. I'm quick to feel unwanted and abandoned. I fear that so much that it's preventing me from having a normal life and getting close to anybody. I'm so afraid of rejection (hence, feeling worthless) that I avoid letting people know me.

But interestingly enough, even though I crave attention, when somebody actually starts liking me I suddenly find it offputting.
When it comes to guys, even though I get hurt easily I find myself to be drawn to the ones that don't make me feel good about myself. Even though I suffer I kind of need[i] to get hurt.[/i]

- I'm impulsive and self-destructive. I used to shoplift, I tend to drink too much, I hook up with strangers and unprotected at that, and I barely sleep during these periods of partying.
But I don't even do these things as much as I'd like to simply because I don't have anyone to go with. Sad
Now that the semester's ended I'm staying home with mom and I feel like I'm actually losing it because I can't do these thing anymore.

I've also been wishing to actively be hurt.. I sometimes find myself searching for pictures of injuries and blood... weird, I know.

- I self harm. I have short periods of extreme sadness, anger and general unstability with big mood swings. That's when I cut myself or stick my nails into my skin to the point of leaving scratches and bruises. These periods last from two days to a whole week, but lately they've become more frequent.

- Inbetween these periods I feel empty and numb

-I feel out of touch with what's considered normal. I don't lead a normal life. In any way. You're gonna have to take my word for it. And for the last couple of months I've been feeling particularly unstable. I don't study and care about college at all, I couldn't care less about the future, I don't take care of myself and I don't feel okay.

I've been having thought of suicidal gestures. I don't want to die at all, but I can't go on like this. I feel miserable and I'm growing more and more compelled to do something about it.

I'm sorry, that was a lot And yet, there's a lot more.

I was wondering if this sounds anything like what you've experienced. Is it possible that I have bpd?

Thank you if you read the whole thing!

Of course you know that we can't diagnose, but it does sound like it could be BPD. Good luck to you.

pamelaperejil wrote:Of course you know that we can't diagnose, but it does sound like it could be BPD. Good luck to you.

Of course, I know. I was just wondering if someone with bpd could relate. Thanks and good luck to you too!

Hello and welcome on board
I've been professionally diagnosed with BPD and for a long period of time leading up to this, I was convinced that I had borderline. I read about it and felt a lot of the symptoms described the way I feel. I think that once we're at that point where we keep returning to specific articles about BPD, there might be something to it. Because it means that we're feeling this way often which shoudn't be the case if we were mentally stable individuals.
One of the main criterias for personality disorders in order to be given as diagnoses is that the emotional patterns and the thoughts interfere with daily life and causes problems for the individual and in interpersonal relationships. This is mostly connected with pain.
You write that these problems of yours keep you from living a "normal" life. And once you've realized that, it's time to reach out and seek professional help. Are you currently in therapy? If not, you could go to the doctor who might send you to a psychiatrist. The process of diagnosing BPD is rather long and involves filling out a long interview which is reviewed by the psychiatrist in order for him/her to check if you match the criteria. Afterwards, you'll go through the questions and answers together. You might be asked about other things as well. And usually, the psychiatrist wants you to tell your "life story", ie what your childhood/adolescence was like. Eventually, you might get a diagnose. In this case, the psychiatrist will explain to you something about the diagnose and your specific symptoms, as well as how to treat it, future prospects etc.
I can relate to a lot of the things described by you. Especially the loneliness. And the boredom/emptiness that is just reinforced so much during holiday periods where you haven't got a lot to do, no-one to talk to, etc. It can seem impossible to get out of bed, there's no reason to get out and going, right? Related to this: The numb and empty feeling. That's one of the worst things, I think. Feels like everything is just covered in a lyer of grey. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing seems interesting. There's nothing you'd like to do. Everything is boring and grey and you just feel so down. And those mood swings, oh yes. Every day. Several times. Up and down. 24/7. They hit you like a bulldozer out of nowhere. Also, I can relate to the attention thing: craving attention from a specific person, but suddenly, once you get this, it gets boring.

These were just some of my thoughts about your situation. Btw., I feel you. It's not easy to feel like this. Not at all. I hope you reach out for help in order to get some clarification and maybe a proper diagnose. Even though it seems impossible, keep going. Greetings, cirkusrat.

cirkusrat wrote:Hello and welcome on board
I've been professionally diagnosed with BPD and for a long period of time leading up to this, I was convinced that I had borderline. I read about it and felt a lot of the symptoms described the way I feel. I think that once we're at that point where we keep returning to specific articles about BPD, there might be something to it. Because it means that we're feeling this way often which shoudn't be the case if we were mentally stable individuals.
One of the main criterias for personality disorders in order to be given as diagnoses is that the emotional patterns and the thoughts interfere with daily life and causes problems for the individual and in interpersonal relationships. This is mostly connected with pain.
You write that these problems of yours keep you from living a "normal" life. And once you've realized that, it's time to reach out and seek professional help. Are you currently in therapy? If not, you could go to the doctor who might send you to a psychiatrist. The process of diagnosing BPD is rather long and involves filling out a long interview which is reviewed by the psychiatrist in order for him/her to check if you match the criteria. Afterwards, you'll go through the questions and answers together. You might be asked about other things as well. And usually, the psychiatrist wants you to tell your "life story", ie what your childhood/adolescence was like. Eventually, you might get a diagnose. In this case, the psychiatrist will explain to you something about the diagnose and your specific symptoms, as well as how to treat it, future prospects etc.
I can relate to a lot of the things described by you. Especially the loneliness. And the boredom/emptiness that is just reinforced so much during holiday periods where you haven't got a lot to do, no-one to talk to, etc. It can seem impossible to get out of bed, there's no reason to get out and going, right? Related to this: The numb and empty feeling. That's one of the worst things, I think. Feels like everything is just covered in a lyer of grey. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing seems interesting. There's nothing you'd like to do. Everything is boring and grey and you just feel so down. And those mood swings, oh yes. Every day. Several times. Up and down. 24/7. They hit you like a bulldozer out of nowhere. Also, I can relate to the attention thing: craving attention from a specific person, but suddenly, once you get this, it gets boring.

These were just some of my thoughts about your situation. Btw., I feel you. It's not easy to feel like this. Not at all. I hope you reach out for help in order to get some clarification and maybe a proper diagnose. Even though it seems impossible, keep going. Greetings, cirkusrat.

Hey there! Thank you so much for such insightful reply, I really appretiate it.
I currently have a psychiatrist but the mental health system here is pretty bad it seems. I only got to see him about three times in three months, he prescribed some meds and now I don't go there anymore. I've been put on a waiting list for seeing a clinical psychologist and for some 'psychological testing' but I'll have to wait about 3 months :/ Besides, I've been seeing shrinks since I was 12 and noone could really help me. I'm beginning to think my problem is so deep rooted I'm beyond repair. And I have reasons to believe that.
But not to bum you out, I do appreciate your reply very much. I hope you're doing well

angel1998 wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Hello and welcome on board
I've been professionally diagnosed with BPD and for a long period of time leading up to this, I was convinced that I had borderline. I read about it and felt a lot of the symptoms described the way I feel. I think that once we're at that point where we keep returning to specific articles about BPD, there might be something to it. Because it means that we're feeling this way often which shoudn't be the case if we were mentally stable individuals.
One of the main criterias for personality disorders in order to be given as diagnoses is that the emotional patterns and the thoughts interfere with daily life and causes problems for the individual and in interpersonal relationships. This is mostly connected with pain.
You write that these problems of yours keep you from living a "normal" life. And once you've realized that, it's time to reach out and seek professional help. Are you currently in therapy? If not, you could go to the doctor who might send you to a psychiatrist. The process of diagnosing BPD is rather long and involves filling out a long interview which is reviewed by the psychiatrist in order for him/her to check if you match the criteria. Afterwards, you'll go through the questions and answers together. You might be asked about other things as well. And usually, the psychiatrist wants you to tell your "life story", ie what your childhood/adolescence was like. Eventually, you might get a diagnose. In this case, the psychiatrist will explain to you something about the diagnose and your specific symptoms, as well as how to treat it, future prospects etc.
I can relate to a lot of the things described by you. Especially the loneliness. And the boredom/emptiness that is just reinforced so much during holiday periods where you haven't got a lot to do, no-one to talk to, etc. It can seem impossible to get out of bed, there's no reason to get out and going, right? Related to this: The numb and empty feeling. That's one of the worst things, I think. Feels like everything is just covered in a lyer of grey. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing seems interesting. There's nothing you'd like to do. Everything is boring and grey and you just feel so down. And those mood swings, oh yes. Every day. Several times. Up and down. 24/7. They hit you like a bulldozer out of nowhere. Also, I can relate to the attention thing: craving attention from a specific person, but suddenly, once you get this, it gets boring.

These were just some of my thoughts about your situation. Btw., I feel you. It's not easy to feel like this. Not at all. I hope you reach out for help in order to get some clarification and maybe a proper diagnose. Even though it seems impossible, keep going. Greetings, cirkusrat.

Hey there! Thank you so much for such insightful reply, I really appretiate it.
I currently have a psychiatrist but the mental health system here is pretty bad it seems. I only got to see him about three times in three months, he prescribed some meds and now I don't go there anymore. I've been put on a waiting list for seeing a clinical psychologist and for some 'psychological testing' but I'll have to wait about 3 months :/ Besides, I've been seeing shrinks since I was 12 and noone could really help me. I'm beginning to think my problem is so deep rooted I'm beyond repair. And I have reasons to believe that.
But not to bum you out, I do appreciate your reply very much. I hope you're doing well

Hey again, you'e welcome, glad my reply could help you in some way at least.
Damn, waiting lists and long time between appointments just really sucks... I know what I'm talking about since alone the process of giving me a proper diagnose took a year... Sometimes I wonder if these shrinks as you call them don't know there's a reason why DBT which is a worldwide acknowledge treatment for BPD involves WEEKLY sessions... I just can't deal with having to wait for several weeks between appointments... Today, it's been exactly one month since I last saw my current TP and I don't know how I've survived till now. In general, I just can't deal with holiday breaks/vacation periods since people tend to leave work and leave you alone with your problems and needs.

Sorry to hear that your years in therapy haven't quite been helpful... I think the longer you go without therapy, the more stuck the problems get and it gets close to impossible to "fix" them... Despite having my mental problems for as long as I can remember, I've only been in therapy for 2,5 years by now. And even those 2,5 years haven't changed a lot, to be honest. You must have been having your problems for a long time too, haven't you?

ANyway, I hope that, though you probably won't be "repaired" (because I don't think BPD and relate disorders can be cured or repaired completely), you'll be able to learn coping meahcnisms and develop skills to cope with your problems so that your life can, in the long run, become less painful and frustrating and closer to what is considered normal.

cirkusrat wrote:

angel1998 wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Hello and welcome on board
I've been professionally diagnosed with BPD and for a long period of time leading up to this, I was convinced that I had borderline. I read about it and felt a lot of the symptoms described the way I feel. I think that once we're at that point where we keep returning to specific articles about BPD, there might be something to it. Because it means that we're feeling this way often which shoudn't be the case if we were mentally stable individuals.
One of the main criterias for personality disorders in order to be given as diagnoses is that the emotional patterns and the thoughts interfere with daily life and causes problems for the individual and in interpersonal relationships. This is mostly connected with pain.
You write that these problems of yours keep you from living a "normal" life. And once you've realized that, it's time to reach out and seek professional help. Are you currently in therapy? If not, you could go to the doctor who might send you to a psychiatrist. The process of diagnosing BPD is rather long and involves filling out a long interview which is reviewed by the psychiatrist in order for him/her to check if you match the criteria. Afterwards, you'll go through the questions and answers together. You might be asked about other things as well. And usually, the psychiatrist wants you to tell your "life story", ie what your childhood/adolescence was like. Eventually, you might get a diagnose. In this case, the psychiatrist will explain to you something about the diagnose and your specific symptoms, as well as how to treat it, future prospects etc.
I can relate to a lot of the things described by you. Especially the loneliness. And the boredom/emptiness that is just reinforced so much during holiday periods where you haven't got a lot to do, no-one to talk to, etc. It can seem impossible to get out of bed, there's no reason to get out and going, right? Related to this: The numb and empty feeling. That's one of the worst things, I think. Feels like everything is just covered in a lyer of grey. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing seems interesting. There's nothing you'd like to do. Everything is boring and grey and you just feel so down. And those mood swings, oh yes. Every day. Several times. Up and down. 24/7. They hit you like a bulldozer out of nowhere. Also, I can relate to the attention thing: craving attention from a specific person, but suddenly, once you get this, it gets boring.

These were just some of my thoughts about your situation. Btw., I feel you. It's not easy to feel like this. Not at all. I hope you reach out for help in order to get some clarification and maybe a proper diagnose. Even though it seems impossible, keep going. Greetings, cirkusrat.

Hey there! Thank you so much for such insightful reply, I really appretiate it.
I currently have a psychiatrist but the mental health system here is pretty bad it seems. I only got to see him about three times in three months, he prescribed some meds and now I don't go there anymore. I've been put on a waiting list for seeing a clinical psychologist and for some 'psychological testing' but I'll have to wait about 3 months :/ Besides, I've been seeing shrinks since I was 12 and noone could really help me. I'm beginning to think my problem is so deep rooted I'm beyond repair. And I have reasons to believe that.
But not to bum you out, I do appreciate your reply very much. I hope you're doing well

Hey again, you'e welcome, glad my reply could help you in some way at least.
Damn, waiting lists and long time between appointments just really sucks... I know what I'm talking about since alone the process of giving me a proper diagnose took a year... Sometimes I wonder if these shrinks as you call them don't know there's a reason why DBT which is a worldwide acknowledge treatment for BPD involves WEEKLY sessions... I just can't deal with having to wait for several weeks between appointments... Today, it's been exactly one month since I last saw my current TP and I don't know how I've survived till now. In general, I just can't deal with holiday breaks/vacation periods since people tend to leave work and leave you alone with your problems and needs.

Sorry to hear that your years in therapy haven't quite been helpful... I think the longer you go without therapy, the more stuck the problems get and it gets close to impossible to "fix" them... Despite having my mental problems for as long as I can remember, I've only been in therapy for 2,5 years by now. And even those 2,5 years haven't changed a lot, to be honest. You must have been having your problems for a long time too, haven't you?

ANyway, I hope that, though you probably won't be "repaired" (because I don't think BPD and relate disorders can be cured or repaired completely), you'll be able to learn coping meahcnisms and develop skills to cope with your problems so that your life can, in the long run, become less painful and frustrating and closer to what is considered normal.

Well at least these new meds are kind of helping me think more positively about solving my issues.
I agree it can be bad during the holidays because you're stuck and alone. Though school year makes me very stressed too because it's not easy for me to talk to people. But I feel like with these meds I'm more ready than before to start some progress.
And again, thank you so much! Have a good one

angel1998 wrote:Well at least these new meds are kind of helping me think more positively about solving my issues.
I agree it can be bad during the holidays because you're stuck and alone. Though school year makes me very stressed too because it's not easy for me to talk to people. But I feel like with these meds I'm more ready than before to start some progress.
And again, thank you so much! Have a good one

Hey, you're welcome Good that those meds are working at leat...Are they mood stabilizers? Or anti depressants? Sure it mustn't always be easy at school either, especially because you get so many inputs all the time and with BPD, (at least for me) it seems like I take in things/inputs 1000x more than non-BPD people...And at some point of time, I'm just tired and irritated and exhausted and burned-out and ready for my bed and my cigarette and my diet coke.

What's the reason it's hard for you to talk to people, if I may ask? Is it because you're anxious what they think about you/how they view you, or is it because you don't know how to act in social situations (kind of identity issues) or because people make you irritated, or what's the problem?

I hope you're doing OK. Greetings, cirkusrat

cirkusrat wrote:

angel1998 wrote:Well at least these new meds are kind of helping me think more positively about solving my issues.
I agree it can be bad during the holidays because you're stuck and alone. Though school year makes me very stressed too because it's not easy for me to talk to people. But I feel like with these meds I'm more ready than before to start some progress.
And again, thank you so much! Have a good one

Hey, you're welcome Good that those meds are working at leat...Are they mood stabilizers? Or anti depressants? Sure it mustn't always be easy at school either, especially because you get so many inputs all the time and with BPD, (at least for me) it seems like I take in things/inputs 1000x more than non-BPD people...And at some point of time, I'm just tired and irritated and exhausted and burned-out and ready for my bed and my cigarette and my diet coke.

What's the reason it's hard for you to talk to people, if I may ask? Is it because you're anxious what they think about you/how they view you, or is it because you don't know how to act in social situations (kind of identity issues) or because people make you irritated, or what's the problem?

I hope you're doing OK. Greetings, cirkusrat

I'm currently taking Wellbutrin. They're the only meds that didn't make me feel tired and dead inside.
Yes it's kinda hard at college because I'm in art school and we have to spend nearly all day there so I don't have much alone time which I really need as an introvert. Being with people all day is exhausting.
It's mostly because I just can't relax. I feel like I always have to act and pay attention to the way they percieve me. My shrink says (and I see her point) it's because I have a deep rooted self acceptance issue, so I can never really be myself around people. I can't act like I do at home and I can't let them really know me. I'm never natural. I'm always kinda closed off. There's always some kind of wall. Literally nobody knows me.
It's been like this since like 8th grade, this thing is really sealed...
Even though I rationally know they'd like me more if I'd just be myself, with flaws and all, I just can't. I physically can't. It's so frustrating.
I'm so mad because I literally know I'm not the worst and that people would love me if I'd be more open to them. I just have no control over it.

Haha I'm sorry, that was a vent. Sorry. Anyway thank you for all your attention and answers