BPD and always thinking about how others think of me

(possible trigger warning?)

So I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but my dad was when he was young, and so were his three brothers (all of which unfortunately committed suicide). I relate to every single symptom to a tee and have known this for awhile now..

Anyways, I wanted to sort of type out a short vent about something I have dealt with my whole life and a small percentage of you may have as well. Basically, ever since around puberty, I have had a strong mental fixation on how others think of me. I always want to be liked, or respected. I constantly try to get into other peoples minds and view myself from a third person perspective. I am a very unattractive person (very skinny body and disproportionately long, chubby, asymmetrical orangutan face) and I constantly try to come up with ways to see myself in a positive light. But it always falls back to the negative thoughts, and as pathetic as it sounds, is a huge cause of my depression.

Throughout school I hardly talked to anyone besides the other weird kids. I put a fist up to my face and sat in the back of class, deep in thought, hiding from everyone else. I thought that by hiding it would make things better, but never thought about how ridiculous it was for me to isolate myself within my mind during class and make no attempt to socialize whatsoever. I sat inside most of my teenage years playing videogames, and never had my first job until I was like 17. (I'm 20 now.) I got very minimal physical exercise yet never fattened up because I never ate. I am unsure of whether it was anorexia due to how high my stress/anxiety levels were, or if I may have some sort of potential thyroid problem, but I have always been a picky eater. I am 5'11 and 135 lbs..

This want/need for others acceptance feels as though it is my purpose in life. I feel like I'll never be content with myself unless it fits EVERYONES expectations. I always change how I talk/act depending on who I'm in talking to or whoever's around. And sometimes it's hard when two people I talk to seperately speak to me together because I try merging those personalities together, and it ends up failing, and both of them realizing how weird and alien acting I am. (if they hadn't already)..

Does this sound like some of you? I am so confused in life, I just want to look normal and act normal. I can't believe I was dealt such a bad hand... I think about the concept of suicide every day, but never plan on actually following through because of my brother and father. I don't know what to do, I have no motivation and no ambition, I can't even stay kept up in college (extremely behind, at risk of being kicked out), I am literally the definition of a failed child. A paranoid, afraid 20 year old child.

(possible trigger warning?)

So I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but my dad was when he was young, and so were his three brothers (all of which unfortunately committed suicide). I relate to every single symptom to a tee and have known this for awhile now..

Anyways, I wanted to sort of type out a short vent about something I have dealt with my whole life and a small percentage of you may have as well. Basically, ever since around puberty, I have had a strong mental fixation on how others think of me. I always want to be liked, or respected. I constantly try to get into other peoples minds and view myself from a third person perspective. I am a very unattractive person (very skinny body and disproportionately long, chubby, asymmetrical orangutan face) and I constantly try to come up with ways to see myself in a positive light. But it always falls back to the negative thoughts, and as pathetic as it sounds, is a huge cause of my depression.

i think everyone wants to be liked by someone or the other. that's why movie stars make movies. they want to be liked. that's why they hire publicists. that's why people make funny jokes or buy gifts for their partners. to be liked. its ok to be liked but we cannot be liked by everyone all the time.

n at times its better to disagree cause that is good for everyone in the long run. instead of wanting for the whole world to like you, having a few friends with whom we get along well is better.

i used to crave for a pat on the back n validation. i think i still do but it has faded to some extent. earlier i was a beggar of validation n aprpeciation.

Throughout school I hardly talked to anyone besides the other weird kids. I put a fist up to my face and sat in the back of class, deep in thought, hiding from everyone else. I thought that by hiding it would make things better, but never thought about how ridiculous it was for me to isolate myself within my mind during class and make no attempt to socialize whatsoever. I sat inside most of my teenage years playing videogames, and never had my first job until I was like 17. (I'm 20 now.) I got very minimal physical exercise yet never fattened up because I never ate. I am unsure of whether it was anorexia due to how high my stress/anxiety levels were, or if I may have some sort of potential thyroid problem, but I have always been a picky eater. I am 5'11 and 135 lbs..

This want/need for others acceptance feels as though it is my purpose in life. I feel like I'll never be content with myself unless it fits EVERYONES expectations. I always change how I talk/act depending on who I'm in talking to or whoever's around. And sometimes it's hard when two people I talk to seperately speak to me together because I try merging those personalities together, and it ends up failing, and both of them realizing how weird and alien acting I am. (if they hadn't already)..

even i cant hang out with 2 people together. i end up switched my sides to suit both of them. i've been told 'you dont have a stand' cause i change it all the time depending on who is in front of me.
i've seen many people like that.

sorry. i dont have a solution here. i still dont have my own identity.

Does this sound like some of you? I am so confused in life, I just want to look normal and act normal. I can't believe I was dealt such a bad hand... I think about the concept of suicide every day, but never plan on actually following through because of my brother and father. I don't know what to do, I have no motivation and no ambition, I can't even stay kept up in college (extremely behind, at risk of being kicked out), I am literally the definition of a failed child. A paranoid, afraid 20 year old child.

i strongly suggest completing college with good grades. a college degree helps a lot in life. it's only in movies n motivation videos where drop outs make it big. i am not insinuating that there is anything wrong in dropping out, but having a college degree smooths out your career in a good way and makes things easy in getting a good job. it gives you a headstart.

even i would have no ambition till a year ago. but i joined a library to study n recently i go to the park n exercise. been doing that for 4 days now and it's relaxing.
surely i am not super motivated now but i'm glad i'm exercising regularly.

I feel you. Just learned i suffer from this same condition. Feeling so empty and in desperate need of feeling loved i had to look for a formun. Thank you for telling your story.

Marilyn1987 wrote:I feel you. Just learned i suffer from this same condition. Feeling so empty and in desperate need of feeling loved i had to look for a formun. Thank you for telling your story.

And thank you for acknowledging my story... I am starting to think that BPD isn't just a 'personality disorder', but an actual disease like bipolar or schizophrenia. I wouldn't wish this against my worst enemy..

-- Sun Jun 24, 2018 9:19 pm --

Thank you Jaus for your comments... yes, college is something I definitely need to complete so that I have some sort of foundation to stand on... I am so confused and worried about my future and I'm sure that one day I may be homeless

-- Sun Jun 24, 2018 9:22 pm --

I also wanted to mention that this need for acceptance causes me to fantasize about scenarios in which people praise/look up to me. I will literally be at work on autopilot, and playing out scenes in my head of me being a cool respectable person. It is so embarrassing to talk about but it goes to show how deeply disturbed I am and how the statement 'still waters run deep' is so true.

Thank you Jaus for your comments... yes, college is something I definitely need to complete so that I have some sort of foundation to stand on... I am so confused and worried about my future and I'm sure that one day I may be homeless

we cannot predict the future, but you can reduce your chances of being homeless by doing good in college n getting a good job. yes, we're all worried n confused about my future. i've changed my career choices from engineer to writer to teacher to writer to engineer. n have achieved less success in all.

its ok to be confused. its impossible to make a perfect decisions n stick with it. at least for me. what i've learnt now is to make small decisions. like shaving face every day, watering plants in the pot, going to park n exercise every day. these acts are helpful. one thing that helps me decide is i ask myself:
if my son were in similar situation, what would i want my son to do.

I also wanted to mention that this need for acceptance causes me to fantasize about scenarios in which people praise/look up to me. I will literally be at work on autopilot, and playing out scenes in my head of me being a cool respectable person. It is so embarrassing to talk about but it goes to show how deeply disturbed I am and how the statement 'still waters run deep' is so true.

i do this all the time. i've had fantasies where a friend n i are crossing the street, n i save him from an incoming car n get injured in the process. if i see a particular act in a sitcom, i want that act to occur to me.

i no longer have much need for acceptance. it has sort of reduced to some extent. a few friends are all that matter.