Advice for talking to my dr.

First I want to apologize for my long post.
So my story… I am 30 years old and I have been with my partner for 12 years and I have been diagnosed with Bipolar ll and OCD. I have been seeing a therapist for CBT, but recently stopped because she stopped taking insurance. I also see a psychiatrist every 3 months and I currently take 60mg Prozac, 900mg Lithium and 150mg of Clomipramine. I have been on the lithium and Clomipramine for a few years now and got the Prozac September 2017. I am having some not so fun side effects on the Prozac, specifically tremors and memory loss. So I started searching for an alternative to talk to my doctor about and I stumbled upon BDP vs. Bipolar and it got me thinking and now posting.
In taking the nine signs listed on this site and numerous tests I obsessively taken online, I feel this better meets what I am dealing with (correct me if I am wrong).
- Fear of Abandonment (I always have this fear with me and my partner, if I don’t do something I feel is right or we get into a fight or whatever, my question is always “do you still want to be with me” “Are you going to leave” etc)
- Unstable Relationships (I think this refers to someone that isn’t romantically involved with you. If so, I have very few solid friendships, any that I get, I generally will end up ignoring them, making plans and then canceling or even better, going to a baby shower and asking your friend an hour into the party if it’s ok that I leave. I was sweating and shaking at that point I don’t deal well with groups)
- Unclear, or unstable self-image (All throughout my relationship, I have always feel insecure about my self-image, it would get to the point I would get into fights because of people he found attractive on TV. I have that constant fear that something/someone better is going to come along.
- Impulsive, self-destructive behavior (This one is not fun… I am always putting myself into positions where I might have an altercation with someone i.e road rage. I will put myself into spots where if I get in a wreck, it is their fault (not staying in their lane, rear-ending me. All of this stuff is avoidable. There is one intersection by my house that the right lane is right turn only and the lane next to it goes straight, I will go home that route and when people go straight from that right lane, it literally sets me off. I can go from 0-100 on pissed when someone does that. But normally don’t care and shouldn’t it’s not a big deal. I have a struggle with spending money not real reason in detailing that, I spend then immediately feel guilty. Also I have a problem with putting myself in risky and illegal sexual situations hooking up in public, stores, malls, gyms, restrooms, and parks. To just put it out there I have been arrested for my activities and I get panic attacks if I am triggered and don’t act on it (it’s a whole mess).
- Self-Harm (you can call the risky behavior self-harm, but no cutting or suicide attempts)
- Extreme emotional swings (without making a 100 page story, It doesn’t take me long to swing from perfectly happy to having the worst thoughts possible about someone. If something happens outside of my “plan” or “control”, I have a tendency to get extremely angry and sometimes physical. The smallest things are able to send me over the edge and it takes time to calm down.
- Chronic feelings of emptiness (without dragging on, everyday for the last 10 years, I have felt empty and lonely and unsure of life since we are just going to die anyways)
- Explosive Anger (See extreme emotional mood swings)
- Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. (This one may sound weird, lately when I am thinking about the past events in my life I start to question whether they really happened. Time has become a hard thing for me to really understand. There will be times, where I see the clock at 12 and then look down what I feel is 30 min and it’s really 6, I do that a lot if I am sexually triggered. The same can be said, it’s 12 and I look down after what I feel is 3 hours and it’s only been 10 min. during those times, I have little compression of what I have done (I remember, but I don’t know why I did it or how it got to that point). I also have a unrealistic view on life and death, like I don’t want to be here but at the same time I am scared to die. But that fear of death is extreme, it prevents me from getting excited or motivated about things in the future, cause there is that chance I could die before it happens, it will cause panic attacks, if I see a news story about someone my age dying in a medical incident or car wreck or anything really. Because death just seems so easy and it’s going to happen at some point, but im just not prepared for the fact that I will be gone forever (I’m not religious), there is no coming back, there is no seeing how the world turned out…. Like it’s permanent and that scares the $#%^ out of me.

So in summation lol, basically is anyone going through the same thing and how do I talk to my psyc about this without looking like I am doing her job or something. Also what are the medicine treatments for BDP

Again sorry for the long post! Thanks for reading

i was nervous about going to my doctor. first time i went i lied. i cancelled appointments twice before going n then i lied n then after a year i confessed n was hoping for a miracle cure but the doctor asked for revisits n that irritated me so i stopped going.

i suggest asking a friend to come along. our friends know more about us than we know.

and maybe dont expect that cure will occur in one day. it's a long process that takes time for recovery. be honest with the doctor. if your not comfortable with meds then mention this to the doctor. and there are other doctors available.

i changed my doctor once. the earlier one was always overbooked n my appointment would come an hour after the scheduled time.

this didnt happen with the new doc.

I got diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. I find that medications don't really help me very much other than perhaps mood stabilizers like gabapentin. I feel that SSRIs drain my passion and make me feel listless and uninspired which is very demoralizing for me. I don't really think there are any medications that will "cure" BPD, that would be too easy and life is hard. You gotta be harder than the world its self. Instead you need to try and find a way to accept yourself and move with your "unstable" personality. Doctors tend to cover up our issues with drugs that don't really get to the root of our issues. They make us feel like whores how they do it and doctors and pharmaceutical companies make money by selling us drugs so its all win-win for them. Therapy definitely helps though, talking to someone who is an expert on talking with patients, though it might take a little while to find the right therapist. DBT also helps, definitely look into that, it's based on Buddhist/Taoist philosophy which is also interesting to read into even though I'm still an atheist.

You need to look at some of your current issues and turn them into positives. For instance, I use my intense emotional issues to write songs, stories, make art, whatever. I use my anger as an energy which I need to do, because I have a lot of anger at the world. Feeling empty and impulsive isn't always such a bad thing because it may lead you to do interesting things that no one else will have the guts to do and that's something that builds character and will make people drawn to you. As for having no sense of self, I feel that too as well but I more so I just feel like someone that people can't easily be put into a box and I'm actually proud of that. I'm open minded and curious about a lot of things in life. I'm sure if you look at your self in those terms you will feel a lot better about yourself. Obviously you need to be able to control your impulses so you don't get locked up (I've almost had to do time) but it's okay to be a bold person. You also have to remember to not take things such as slights and perceived disrespect too far because it will just tire yourself out and everyone around you, but at the same time, at least I'm (and probably you) not someone who lets people walk all over them. You sound like you've been in a bad place and if you take these steps you WILL become less paranoid. I seriously used to be afraid to even leave my own house because I would be afraid of getting into a car accident...I don't have those fears anymore...


About a year ago I was completely reckless, depressed, committing felonies for quick cash, getting into fights constantly (I'm a guy btw), having really risky sexual encounters, drinking everyday around the clock, doing all sorts of other drugs, blew through thousands of dollars, ended up losing my job, got a DUI, got brutally assaulted by a crackhead, and lost my apartment. A year before that I was intensely suicidal, could barely even leave the house without having a panic attack, drinking disgusting amounts of alcohol and constantly blacking out/passing out in social situations, and constantly felt sorry for myself. I ended up having a mental breakdown over a girl leaving me, tried to kill myself, and was hospitalized for a short time. Now, I'm going back to school, getting good grades, doing some odd jobs, eating much more healthily for the most part, not drinking nearly as much or doing benzos, and I've been working on a record with my best friend that we are almost done with and I know that it's the best music I've ever made. I'm much happier now but sometimes I do fall off the wagon, but I get back on it much quicker than before. I definitely still have a long way to go but what I'm trying to say is that is DOES get better and you CAN do something to change your life.

Thanks for both of the replies! I have been to this psych doc for almost a year and half or more, don't really remember. I have my appointment tomorrow and I don't want to just be like I think I have this. So I printed out a 3 page document that lists the symptoms and signs to look out for and I put a check mark next to the ones I experience and I was thinking about just giving it to her as my explanation. I don't want her to be annoyed or look at me like I'm crazy.

I did the same I made a list of my issues n read them before the doc.